01-27-2006, 01:49 PM
I hope I reviewed the right one.
It's not that big a deal, but if he's asking a question instead of writing 'said' you should use words like, "Questioned" or "Queried (sp?)"
I think it's also a good idea to give an adjective or adverb for every action or noun, or just something that better brings out the action.
Its always assumed that when someone snaps, they do it in anger, but maybe you could explain how they snap? Like something like this...
One last thing I suggest to you, is to use other pronouns instead of 'She' or 'Her'. I don't know much about your character, but for someone like Gohan they would call him, "The half Saiyan", or for PD I may say, "The jade Namekian."
But I'm not saying your writing didn't have anything good about it. I liked your choice of words in most cases, as it's fairly sophisticated. I couldn't find a mistake in your grammar, and I liked how you put Violets thoughts into a lot of the actions that happened.
Overall however, I'd give it an 7.5/10. I really like your posts, however, and your entire quest is doing pretty awesome.
Trunky
Quote:Originally Posted by Violet
"What the hell is that?" Super Buu said in the quietness that had formed between the trio.
It's not that big a deal, but if he's asking a question instead of writing 'said' you should use words like, "Questioned" or "Queried (sp?)"
I think it's also a good idea to give an adjective or adverb for every action or noun, or just something that better brings out the action.
Quote:"Shut up, will you?" He snapped.
Its always assumed that when someone snaps, they do it in anger, but maybe you could explain how they snap? Like something like this...
Quote:He snapped at Violet, baring his teeth in a rage.
One last thing I suggest to you, is to use other pronouns instead of 'She' or 'Her'. I don't know much about your character, but for someone like Gohan they would call him, "The half Saiyan", or for PD I may say, "The jade Namekian."
But I'm not saying your writing didn't have anything good about it. I liked your choice of words in most cases, as it's fairly sophisticated. I couldn't find a mistake in your grammar, and I liked how you put Violets thoughts into a lot of the actions that happened.
Overall however, I'd give it an 7.5/10. I really like your posts, however, and your entire quest is doing pretty awesome.
Trunky