Rate the Roleplay Above You

[Jonathan Meer]

What I like:

1) I love the parallel here of Violet and Piccolo and the original show theme of Kid Gohan and Piccolo. Sort of the same idea. Things like that make me feel fuzzy.

2) The personality is quite evident. That's always good.

3) I got a good feel for the whole atmosphere from the details you chose.

4) It's long. That's a good thing.

Criticism:

1) The flow was rather awkward. Reviewing the scenes in my mind, some of the situations don't feel all that natural, especially this selection:

Piccolo smirked. ?I have something in mind. You still got that 1000zn note??

Violet nodded. ?Yep. Sure do. What?s it for??

?We?re making a slight change in your wardrobe.? He replied, his smirk waned.

?What do you mean, slight change in wardrobe? 1000zn can buy me a whole new wardrobe!? She exclaimed, and took the envelope from the hem of her sweats.

?It?s not for that. It?s vital to what I will be teaching you. Trust me on this, you need what I will be teaching you later.?

Taking the much bigger Namekian?s advice, she decided not to gripe anymore about it. ?Well, where to first, then??

?Capsule Corp.? And with that, burst off into the sky in a vivid green streak.

It just doesn't feel right to have Piccolo bolt off after saying "Capsule Corp." without something else. Doesn't seem to fit his personality. That's pretty much my only gripe, but it's a heavy one. 7/10

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post194831