03-31-2006, 03:07 AM
Took longer than I expected, but I finally finished reading it all.
Let me say this: that was extremely well done. So many sensory details evoked a complete picture in my mind, but not so many as to clutter the writing. The areas of hell were portrayed to blend in with occuring events seamlessly, and in the case of the river Styx, added a new dimension to the storyline.
Your word choice was stunning. You used words I'd never considered using, such as amalgalation. Adjectives and adverbs were used in amazing detail, as I stated before.
The plot was also very good, with interesting twists and storylines to follow. The darklighter sub-plot was notably good. Your use of "orbing" as you call it, somehow made it more interesting to me as I went along. The storyline behind it, and intertwining with current events worked out very well.
However, I will need to ask one question. Is Vapor supposed to not be very intelligent? Or lack common sense? It's simply because he as a villian lacked in the intellect area, as many of his actions didn't make the least bit of sense. If he knew the sword made him invincible, wouldn't he do everything he could to protect it, instead of blabbing to 17 that it was his weakness? And wouldn't he try to avoid 17 instead of confronting him?
Otherwise, the story as it played out to where you intended it to end was amazing. I was kept interested throughout, which, considering the length of that sucker, is pretty impressive.
Nevertheless, I need to say that those 3 "extension" posts that were mainly used to satisfy staff's reqs to finish the quest were... lacking. They didn't have near the "interestingness" as the main storyline held. It was just repetitive fighting over and over and over. There didn't seem to be much point to those, and while the power ranger reference to "make my minion grow!" was clever, it was one of those things that just seemed a bit overused to me.
But overall, that was very, very good. I hope to see more writing like this in the future from you. If you ever need another story like that one read, just let me know. I'll be glad to do it. Also, if there was any specific part in my comments here where I was too vague, just ask me to clarify, and I'll go into more detail about it.
Let me say this: that was extremely well done. So many sensory details evoked a complete picture in my mind, but not so many as to clutter the writing. The areas of hell were portrayed to blend in with occuring events seamlessly, and in the case of the river Styx, added a new dimension to the storyline.
Your word choice was stunning. You used words I'd never considered using, such as amalgalation. Adjectives and adverbs were used in amazing detail, as I stated before.
The plot was also very good, with interesting twists and storylines to follow. The darklighter sub-plot was notably good. Your use of "orbing" as you call it, somehow made it more interesting to me as I went along. The storyline behind it, and intertwining with current events worked out very well.
However, I will need to ask one question. Is Vapor supposed to not be very intelligent? Or lack common sense? It's simply because he as a villian lacked in the intellect area, as many of his actions didn't make the least bit of sense. If he knew the sword made him invincible, wouldn't he do everything he could to protect it, instead of blabbing to 17 that it was his weakness? And wouldn't he try to avoid 17 instead of confronting him?
Otherwise, the story as it played out to where you intended it to end was amazing. I was kept interested throughout, which, considering the length of that sucker, is pretty impressive.
Nevertheless, I need to say that those 3 "extension" posts that were mainly used to satisfy staff's reqs to finish the quest were... lacking. They didn't have near the "interestingness" as the main storyline held. It was just repetitive fighting over and over and over. There didn't seem to be much point to those, and while the power ranger reference to "make my minion grow!" was clever, it was one of those things that just seemed a bit overused to me.
But overall, that was very, very good. I hope to see more writing like this in the future from you. If you ever need another story like that one read, just let me know. I'll be glad to do it. Also, if there was any specific part in my comments here where I was too vague, just ask me to clarify, and I'll go into more detail about it.
![[Image: Ruhiel.png]](http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q218/Aerogfx/sigs/Ruhiel.png)