04-05-2006, 10:05 PM
Violet:
Some of this might sound nit-picky but oh well it what I think.
I like posts that while part of a whole can be read individually and still make a full story on its own?sounds easy but a lot of people fall far short of this goal. Your structure and stroying are supurb, you have really gotten a handle of getting out a full idea in under 3000 words. Very nice.
My only problem with the post was that random parts just seemed awkward. Where Violet says ?Clever? just didn?t seemed to fit the exchange she was having with the Plastic King, it felt stuck on there just ot give Violet something to say.
You also have paragraph ending that are I?m guessing structured for dramatic effect but as I said come off awkward.
?He was gone? and ??they shimmered? really stuck out in my mind.
The ?He was gone? was just unnecessary, the sentence before made it clear he was gone. In the sentence ?Thirteen had landed haphazardly over Violet?s back, where their flesh began to meld together...they shimmered? would flow much better without the elpsises. I love using them but they do have a time and a place and this wasn?t it.
Thirteen had landed on haphazardly over Violet?s back and where their flesh touch began to meld together and shimmered as if some inner light had been rekindled.
Would just flow much better. The ??? I try to keep at time where I want an emotional pause or a delayed though and that sentence didn?t need either.
On the thought of awkwardness the paragraph:
?Tch.? He delivered a swift kick to her ribs, enough force behind the strike, the sound of her bones clashing against each other resounding in the courtyard.
Just didn?t work for me at all.
?Tch.? He delivered a swift kick to her ribs with enough force to send the sound of her bones clashing against each other resounding in the courtyard. Make more sense for the reader.
Well that?s about it. You have an amazing handle of your character, keep up the good work, its posts like this that show why you have Sk x20.
Some of this might sound nit-picky but oh well it what I think.
I like posts that while part of a whole can be read individually and still make a full story on its own?sounds easy but a lot of people fall far short of this goal. Your structure and stroying are supurb, you have really gotten a handle of getting out a full idea in under 3000 words. Very nice.
My only problem with the post was that random parts just seemed awkward. Where Violet says ?Clever? just didn?t seemed to fit the exchange she was having with the Plastic King, it felt stuck on there just ot give Violet something to say.
You also have paragraph ending that are I?m guessing structured for dramatic effect but as I said come off awkward.
?He was gone? and ??they shimmered? really stuck out in my mind.
The ?He was gone? was just unnecessary, the sentence before made it clear he was gone. In the sentence ?Thirteen had landed haphazardly over Violet?s back, where their flesh began to meld together...they shimmered? would flow much better without the elpsises. I love using them but they do have a time and a place and this wasn?t it.
Thirteen had landed on haphazardly over Violet?s back and where their flesh touch began to meld together and shimmered as if some inner light had been rekindled.
Would just flow much better. The ??? I try to keep at time where I want an emotional pause or a delayed though and that sentence didn?t need either.
On the thought of awkwardness the paragraph:
?Tch.? He delivered a swift kick to her ribs, enough force behind the strike, the sound of her bones clashing against each other resounding in the courtyard.
Just didn?t work for me at all.
?Tch.? He delivered a swift kick to her ribs with enough force to send the sound of her bones clashing against each other resounding in the courtyard. Make more sense for the reader.
Well that?s about it. You have an amazing handle of your character, keep up the good work, its posts like this that show why you have Sk x20.
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Dante's Abyss 2007 Runner-Up