Yamu's Feedback Shop II

[Yamu]

Spice:

First off: Wow man. I really felt immersed in the scene you created. You described things in just the write amount of words where I really felt like I was there, but without being overly wordy where I personally find myself treading to often. I felt the serene tranquility of Spice on the beach and the clam pondering under the moon and stars.

The main piece of advice I can give to you is sentence structure. You exceptional ability to create a mood and a scene will only be amplified by getting your sentences to flow better. I'm just going to take one of your paragraphs and show you what I would do with it as an example and you can run with it.

Originally posted by Spice
Spice sat on his bed, which was just a bead sheet on the soft golden sand. It was actually very comfy. However, it was very cold out, so he wore a large and heavy quilt made by an old man named ?Grey Prune? by the children three houses down. Spice sighed and closed his eyes, letting his body sink deeper into the sand from the blankets weight.

His quarrel with Lindsay that day had left him drained and sore. The fact that he had to ride home while she sat comfortably on his back didn?t help.

He had also yet to ask about the dance of fire. His curiosity was beginning to overcome him. He had heard of the dance of fire, but never actually thought it was true.

Spice sat on his bed, which consisted of just a bed sheet laid out of the soft golden sand, which had proven to be surprisingly comfortable. The sheet did not protect him from the cold, however, so Spice wore a large heavy quilt made by an old man that the children three houses down called 'Grey Prune'. Spice sighed and closed his eyes, letting his body's weight sink him deeper into the sand.

His quarrel with Lindsay that day had left him drained and sore, the fact that she had ridden home quite comfortably upon his back did not help his physical ills one bit.

He had also not asked about the Dance of Fire and his curiosity was beginning to overcome him. He had heard about it in vague terms, but had never actually thought the stories were true.


I know it doesn't seem like a lot but a well placed comma and some sentence structure changes can really make a post flow better.

Like I said, your imagery was amazing without being overly showy or forced and that is a real feat. What you have in your sentences is getting close to perfect, not concentrate on HOW you make your sentences and I'm sure SK will be yours before you know it.