04-26-2006, 08:00 AM
Aye, aye.
Your length of description hasn't changed, although it feels like a completely different environment because what your detailing isn't one giant, sadistic bloodbath. Nice to see that you can branch away from that and still retain your peculiar flare.
That is a huge sentence. Break it down a little by using a period right after "bathhouse" and transition to a new sentence. Also, cut the comma after "walk by" because that makes any subsequent words in reference to the naked men staring at him. You shlump sentences together when they're fine separate from each other or connected by a semicolon.
"Your," "Fuckin'", and "Hands" are not capitalized. Neither is "cops" at the very end.
Writing-wise, that's what I got for ya, buddy. I will emphasize again how thrilled I am that you can tone down the gratuitousness of some of your earlier works and successfully play on a slightly different, more psychological angle, even if Mino is still kind of crazy and full of hate. He's real to himself, and that's what I like about him.
Your length of description hasn't changed, although it feels like a completely different environment because what your detailing isn't one giant, sadistic bloodbath. Nice to see that you can branch away from that and still retain your peculiar flare.
Quote:Originally written by Minoshia
Quickly he pulled his clothes on, and turned to be directed out of the bathhouse, it seemed as every naked man in the world was inside the house, all standing outside their showers and watching him walk by, handcuffed, collared, and being led by a squadron of policemen for something he had no idea he?d done, or something he didn?t do at all.
That is a huge sentence. Break it down a little by using a period right after "bathhouse" and transition to a new sentence. Also, cut the comma after "walk by" because that makes any subsequent words in reference to the naked men staring at him. You shlump sentences together when they're fine separate from each other or connected by a semicolon.
Quote:Originally written by Minoshia
Get Your Fuckin? Hands up!? A voice sounded off behind him, the barrel of a large Ki rifle pressed against his naked back. He heard a whistle behind him. Fuckin? Cops, always making jackass comments.
"Your," "Fuckin'", and "Hands" are not capitalized. Neither is "cops" at the very end.
Writing-wise, that's what I got for ya, buddy. I will emphasize again how thrilled I am that you can tone down the gratuitousness of some of your earlier works and successfully play on a slightly different, more psychological angle, even if Mino is still kind of crazy and full of hate. He's real to himself, and that's what I like about him.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_