05-14-2006, 12:05 PM
Sorry for the delay.
"The saiya-jin's mind was a muck of chaos." Damn good opening sentence. Sets the tone, slight alliteration, and overall pop-out. Right away, you go into the mind of your protagonist. I like that. It gives the reader not only a feel for the situation, but a better look at the character. I got pretty into the story; I was hooked from the beginning, but the whole reflection on the metal was genius. You've always been able to pull off stuff like that really well, dating back to Jan. You have the crazy thing down pat, and it was a nice contrast of child innocence versus evolving monster. Classic match. But...Sally? I found the name to be a little on the side of "John and Jane Smith." Having Gohan almost to the point of suicidal is a little different from what I normally read, but unfortunately is a very real and very serious emotion that you managed to capture. Being a lover of cliche, I'm looking forward to seeing how he overcomes his misery and self-destruction. Of course, if you're not the happy ending type, you could make him go the way of the Greek tragic hero.
As a stand-alone post, it's decent: gives you enough to satisfy, yet leaves the reader asking, "Okay, where's more?"
"The saiya-jin's mind was a muck of chaos." Damn good opening sentence. Sets the tone, slight alliteration, and overall pop-out. Right away, you go into the mind of your protagonist. I like that. It gives the reader not only a feel for the situation, but a better look at the character. I got pretty into the story; I was hooked from the beginning, but the whole reflection on the metal was genius. You've always been able to pull off stuff like that really well, dating back to Jan. You have the crazy thing down pat, and it was a nice contrast of child innocence versus evolving monster. Classic match. But...Sally? I found the name to be a little on the side of "John and Jane Smith." Having Gohan almost to the point of suicidal is a little different from what I normally read, but unfortunately is a very real and very serious emotion that you managed to capture. Being a lover of cliche, I'm looking forward to seeing how he overcomes his misery and self-destruction. Of course, if you're not the happy ending type, you could make him go the way of the Greek tragic hero.
As a stand-alone post, it's decent: gives you enough to satisfy, yet leaves the reader asking, "Okay, where's more?"
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_