CnC game

[Tapion]

At first I was a bit iffy on the multiple uses of the words 'she' and 'her' in the first paragraph. Seemed a bit too much. But then on a second read through when I remembered 18 had no memory I REALLY liked the usage of those words. Not being able to remember obviously would make a person feel insignificant, no life to recall makes you just another face in the crowd. In that case the usage of non specific words like 'she' and 'her' actually lent itself very nicely to 18's current attitude and the overall feel of the post. By NOT being specific, your putting the reader a bit into her mind.

I feel like 'deer in the headlights' 18 could easily be one of the more distinguishable characters this year. Right now I feel generally bad for her. You did a very good job much as I could tell in such a short post conveying 18's helplessness and pitying the character gives me a major reason to root for her. I'm definitely interested to how things develop for her after getting a bit more involved.

I'd say very solid B+. Most of my praise comes from your character work, which has the foundation to be pretty phenomenal this year. I'd say keep up with what your doing here, but move along at a steady pace too. I don't think this is a gimmick that you can ride from start to finish without mixing it up a bit, but as long as you add some development to the situation it'll work itself out perfectly.

EDIT:

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=10

Burter gave it a D, which is the worst grade issued so far. Obviously something is wrong. Someone helpz meh! Anyone criticism would be appreciated.