06-02-2008, 01:05 AM
Well, I'm not sure there's much wrong with it lol.
The only things that slightly bothered me were:
“I have, too, tried!”
and
reality smashed its massive fist around her,
The first one just seemed that the "too" wasn't needed, I understand why you added it though, to create the desperate tone. It just didn't sound right in my head.
The second part, well, it's hard to imagine a fist smashing around her. Perhaps a fist smashing into her.
Regardless, it was a good RP. I haven't read much from you since when you first joined, so you've improved much since then.
The only things that slightly bothered me were:
“I have, too, tried!”
and
reality smashed its massive fist around her,
The first one just seemed that the "too" wasn't needed, I understand why you added it though, to create the desperate tone. It just didn't sound right in my head.
The second part, well, it's hard to imagine a fist smashing around her. Perhaps a fist smashing into her.
Regardless, it was a good RP. I haven't read much from you since when you first joined, so you've improved much since then.
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DA08 Winner. "Screw them, this was her show now."