06-13-2006, 05:42 AM
You have absolutely zero build up. In certain cases, that "bam-in-your-face" stuff works, but it didn't here. We as readers have no grasp of your character yet because there is no development, and you're already throwing plot elements out into the fray.
Also, 'WTF' with you picking up where the old Toma left off? Saying he's a clone? A creation? What the heck are you doing? I have no idea where you're going with this, and I'm kind of confused as to the nature of it, because there aren't very many details surrounding your character's origin. Build up, man!
Write your roleplays in Microsoft Word if you have it.
Your plot is confusing. Your character has no depth. Create some, and spend time thinking about it.
Also, 'WTF' with you picking up where the old Toma left off? Saying he's a clone? A creation? What the heck are you doing? I have no idea where you're going with this, and I'm kind of confused as to the nature of it, because there aren't very many details surrounding your character's origin. Build up, man!
Write your roleplays in Microsoft Word if you have it.
Your plot is confusing. Your character has no depth. Create some, and spend time thinking about it.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_