See'in'See

[Ander]

Originally written by Toma
?This should do it.?, the saiyan grinned as he retracted a fist, pulling it back as much as possible.

Bardock's Revision

?This should do it,? the saiyan grinned as he retracted a fist, pulling it back as much as possible.

There is no period. The comma goes inside the quotation mark.

Originally written by Toma
?Tell me the nearest location of a city. Just look for a lot of ki signals, preferably small ones, I don?t feel like fighting.? Toma said he stopped mid-air.

Bardock's Revision

?Tell me the nearest location of a city. Just look for a lot of ki signals, preferably small ones, I don?t feel like fighting,? Toma said. He stopped mid-air.

Again, no period. It's actually a comma. Also, you needed to separate the single sentence into two after the dialogue closed out.

Originally written by Toma
?Look down, you ungrateful monkey.? The doctor said as the skull disappeared.

Bardock's Revision

?Look down, you ungrateful monkey,? the doctor said as the skull disappeared.

Once more, no period. You do not use a period unless you are starting a new sentence after the end of dialogue, which you were not. Also, 'the' isn't to be capitalized, as you do not capitalize the first word after the closing quotation mark unless it is a new sentence and not a continuation of the dialogue. Word doesn't pick up on that, because in actuality, Grammar Check is very, very stupid.

Originally written by Toma
?How may I help you?? The shop assistant said with a large, almost spooky smile.

Bardock's Revision
?How may I help you?? the shop assistant said with a large, almost spooky smile.

Same mistake as the last few times. Also, use 'asked' or 'inquired' instead of said. You overuse that word.

Since the above examples are your most common mistake, I will not list any more of them.

Do you have Raichi's permission to use his character in your roleplays? If you don't, it would be considered a common courtesy, as you have not met in character and have no otherwise reason to use him.

Also, you don't need to have an 'OOC' comment at the end of every post. It gets kind of annoying, actually.

Your plot is much better in these last two posts. You are able to flesh out Toma as the storyline progresses.