06-26-2006, 04:25 AM
Sorry Burt...nobody likes Karl...
There's a good sense of realism to your roleplaying. Greasy, ratty, unwashed hair is a good example.
I find it funny that Mura is a human himself, and yet can't seem to stand the "normal" things that "normal" humans do. It's something of a superiority complex to his fellow race that is highly amusing. We all love to do that.
You stay true to character, though. If there's something he doesn't have, he just takes it from somebody else, i.e. breaking and entering for a shower. In your previous roleplays, Murasaki isn't perfect (you need conflict somewhere), and this is another example of his 'ninja skills' being put to the test. He is caught slightly off guard when the family comes home. I assume he sensed that no one was home before his entry, otherwise it would feel random and convenient.
Some of your writing still feels mechanical, although you're getting better. For example:
There's a good sense of realism to your roleplaying. Greasy, ratty, unwashed hair is a good example.
I find it funny that Mura is a human himself, and yet can't seem to stand the "normal" things that "normal" humans do. It's something of a superiority complex to his fellow race that is highly amusing. We all love to do that.
You stay true to character, though. If there's something he doesn't have, he just takes it from somebody else, i.e. breaking and entering for a shower. In your previous roleplays, Murasaki isn't perfect (you need conflict somewhere), and this is another example of his 'ninja skills' being put to the test. He is caught slightly off guard when the family comes home. I assume he sensed that no one was home before his entry, otherwise it would feel random and convenient.
Some of your writing still feels mechanical, although you're getting better. For example:
Quote:Originally written by MurasakiYou explain with action, which is good, but it still feels cut and dry.
Slowly he raised his left hand to the back of his head, scratching his skull underneath his pony tail. He reached up with his fingers tugging at the rubber band that held his hair up. It dragged in his ratty hair but finally he got it free. The rubber band lay dormant within his hand but his hair still was held in its pony tailed shaped.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_

