07-25-2006, 08:52 AM
Oooooh. There was so much more opportunity with the computer situation for humor. The fact that you added that in was good enough. We've all been there. And we've all laughed at the misfortune of man versus computer.
You were right. The ending was rushed. It felt so anti-climatic. Mura went through all the trouble to track him down, and the kill was done in five seconds flat. Bam. Dead. He didn't even fight back. There were a few directions you could have taken to drag it out and make it more gripping. For example, expanding on Kulio's side of the story. Why would an old, fat, balding man spill secrets if he was in a horrible position to defend himself? And for that matter, why did you make him fat, old, and balding?
It tied together moderately well. There was some fluff that had little to do with Murasaki's mission, but one can consider that developing character and contributing to a sense of realism. The let-down was in the ending.
You were right. The ending was rushed. It felt so anti-climatic. Mura went through all the trouble to track him down, and the kill was done in five seconds flat. Bam. Dead. He didn't even fight back. There were a few directions you could have taken to drag it out and make it more gripping. For example, expanding on Kulio's side of the story. Why would an old, fat, balding man spill secrets if he was in a horrible position to defend himself? And for that matter, why did you make him fat, old, and balding?
It tied together moderately well. There was some fluff that had little to do with Murasaki's mission, but one can consider that developing character and contributing to a sense of realism. The let-down was in the ending.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_