08-17-2006, 06:21 PM
RADITZU
As you read this please understand it was not an easy thing to write. Not until I made the decision to put these words on paper did I truly come to face my own mortality? its nothing I would not wish upon even my enemies. Sadly, my space is limited, so forgive me for being brief.
Firstly: my friends. I'm not sure any of you will know how truly grateful I am that all of you were a part of my life. Even in my darkest days you were there for me. Whether it was to tell a joke, lend an ear, or steady my arm, there was never a time when I couldn?t count on each and every one of you. I hope that you will be able to look back and say the same of me some day. I know the last several months have been trying on you and for that I am truly sorry. Know this though, my passing is not something that I want to be mourned. While it is nice to think that some memory of me will live on, I will gladly fade from the world if it means the people I care about smile even a day sooner.
Not in my grandest dreams could I have wished for a more loving family. You did not question me, you did not pressure me, you did criticize me ? you loved me. Even if there were something more I could ask of you, I wouldn?t. The love and support you showered upon me is something I cherished more than I ever truly expressed. The warmth I felt surrounded by those I love and those that loved me is a warmth I wish the whole world could feel. It pains me to know that through my actions I am bringing you pain. Please know, if only in your hearts, that I would do anything within my power to ease that pain, were it possible. Though I will never ask for your forgiveness ? that is not something I deserve from anyone ? I do ask for your love. It is something I will not have much longer to cherish.
I thought long and hard about what I could I could possibly put on this space that would let you know how I really feel. Mother? father? thank you. Though I know those two little words will never be enough, thank you. More than anyone else you gave me the support that I needed. You didn?t question me, you didn?t chide me, you let me live my life. Though I made mistakes, I always had a home to return to. Though I spoke harshly, you always cared. And though I acted rashly, you were there to help and nurture me. Though I can only guess at a future that will never happen, I know in my heart that everything good deed I had done and every good thing I would have gone to do would have been because of your influence. I thank you and love you with all of my heart.
As I said before, my space is limited and, though I wish I could talk to those who touched my life individually, I do not have that luxury.
I committed a horrible crime. I will not and never have contested that. To think that I, even for an instant, had the arrogance to decide another?s causes a pain within me that I can not describe. If I could take back what I did, I would. And gladly. But I can not. No one can. All I can do now is take responsibility for what I have done and accept the consequences of my actions. I sincerely hope that in doing so I will bring even a small amount of solace to those I have hurt with my actions. I do not believe, personally, that taking my life because I took another is the proper way to do things, but the law is not mine to decide. Ironically, it was my attempt to do just that that put me here.
I know many of you have urged me to make an appeal -- to represent my case ? to find a better lawyer, but I will not. This is my atonement. This is the last choice I will get to make, please do not look upon it with pain in your heart.
To any who read this know that I love you and wish you nothing but happiness.