My first ever roleplay on Chubbs

[Celena]

My first ever C&C

A silhouette hovered towards Goku Jr. While a creeping fog enveloped the white stone room they were in.

You should have placed a comma in front of Goku Jr instead of a full stop. I also noticed how you always put a full stop at the end of Goku Jr's name. I advice you not to do that, as some people may confuse it as a full stop, placed in the wrong line. You need to work on your punctuation, by putting your comma?s and full stops in the right places.

However, you do not use a repetition of your characters name, which is pretty good.

Goku jr. was mortified, sweat pouring off of his face

As I said before, remove the full stop from the end of his name. It should be 'sweat pouring off his head'. The word ?of? does not need to be paced after off. The word ?off? on its own fits fine.

There was something strange about her, like he knew her from somewhere,

Instead of using the word, ?like? flesh it out a little more. Say, 'There was something strange about her, it was as if he knew her from somewhere'

except he knew for a fact that he had never seen her in his life.

The words I put in bold do not need to be there. The word ?Knew? on its own is fine. Knowing something is actually facts.

Instead of saying shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't, just use the correct term. 'Should not, would not, and could not.?

He looked around, scared, half expecting to be attacked.

Instead, try spicing up your sentences, flavouring them up. 'The hybrid saiyan looked around nervously, unsure with himself, whether anyone or anything was going to attack him.'

You see, by spicing it up, you get more words for your sentence.

But he was alone. What a thought. He was all alone on this planet by himself.

First off, never start a sentence with 'but'. The same rule applies to 'and', or 'because' etc. Instead of 'But' try using something like 'However'

Overall, it has the potential to be a good RP. I'm interested in seeing how you get on.