09-06-2006, 04:36 AM
Your PM box is full, Recoome. I only have an AIM, so if you do, PM me.
Technical stuff! Paragraph number
entence number.
- 1:2: 'back drop' is a compound word, and should be smooshed into 'backdrop.'
- 2:2: add an apostrophe to the end of 'bodies' (bodies') to make it possessive. Change the word "representations" to "manifestations." It fits better to me.
- 6:2: change the 'then' to 'than,' and the semicolon can become a regular comma. Also, although "naivety" is technically correct, using "na?vet?" is more show-offy.
- 7:1: change the 'then' to 'than.'
- 8:2: use something other than "string-like" to describe her arms.
- Substitute something for "battle" every once in a while. It's overused.
If you don't get an 'A' or something damn close to it, it'll blow my mind. Very well written. What is the main subject of your story? Your focus is very much on the storm, and not of the soldier.
Technical stuff! Paragraph number
entence number.- 1:2: 'back drop' is a compound word, and should be smooshed into 'backdrop.'
- 2:2: add an apostrophe to the end of 'bodies' (bodies') to make it possessive. Change the word "representations" to "manifestations." It fits better to me.
- 6:2: change the 'then' to 'than,' and the semicolon can become a regular comma. Also, although "naivety" is technically correct, using "na?vet?" is more show-offy.
- 7:1: change the 'then' to 'than.'
- 8:2: use something other than "string-like" to describe her arms.
- Substitute something for "battle" every once in a while. It's overused.
If you don't get an 'A' or something damn close to it, it'll blow my mind. Very well written. What is the main subject of your story? Your focus is very much on the storm, and not of the soldier.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_