09-24-2006, 08:32 PM
I like Kola better. It almost individualizes it as a drink that changelings would possess, if that makes any sense.
I thought it was good. Personally, I don't think it's that great of a post to criticize. What I mean to say is, it's a rarity for an opening battle scene to really blow you away. When you think about it, all Burter's doing in this scene is disposing of a few guards. Should we be feeling like he's saving the world? Not really. What I'm trying to say is that I think your post is really exactly what it should have been. On that same note, you do a good job with characterization. Describing the thoughts of the guards, including their hobbies, and the like all give the feel of actual people unique to the story rather than just words on paper.
The only real criticism I would give involves the technical stuff. You switch between second and third person near the start, saying along the lines of "how unlucky did you have to be" rather than saying "how unlucky did he have to be." Also, "his fangs were shown" is a passive statement, and really doesn't carry the aggressiveness it should (thus being passive). To be honest, I really haven't kept up with your work lately, so I don't know if these two things were just slip-ups in the post or if it's something you struggle with.
Overall, I think it gets the point across the Burt's back and that he's rocking. It's good, but I think people might over-criticize thinking that this post should have blown people away, which isn't really what should be expected at all considering what is taking place.
I thought it was good. Personally, I don't think it's that great of a post to criticize. What I mean to say is, it's a rarity for an opening battle scene to really blow you away. When you think about it, all Burter's doing in this scene is disposing of a few guards. Should we be feeling like he's saving the world? Not really. What I'm trying to say is that I think your post is really exactly what it should have been. On that same note, you do a good job with characterization. Describing the thoughts of the guards, including their hobbies, and the like all give the feel of actual people unique to the story rather than just words on paper.
The only real criticism I would give involves the technical stuff. You switch between second and third person near the start, saying along the lines of "how unlucky did you have to be" rather than saying "how unlucky did he have to be." Also, "his fangs were shown" is a passive statement, and really doesn't carry the aggressiveness it should (thus being passive). To be honest, I really haven't kept up with your work lately, so I don't know if these two things were just slip-ups in the post or if it's something you struggle with.
Overall, I think it gets the point across the Burt's back and that he's rocking. It's good, but I think people might over-criticize thinking that this post should have blown people away, which isn't really what should be expected at all considering what is taking place.