Come On. Be a Sport. Please?

[Kaden]

I've been a huge fan of your writing for a while and, while the quality of Reticence is definitely up to par, your execution is not. The progression of events feels rushed and, as a result, there are bits of development that are practically screaming to be embelished.

Eagerly looking forward to word on her disc, the demi saiyan rushed out the door and sprinted across the courtyard, only to be ambushed by a quartet of well-dressed men. One rushed out from behind a tall shrubbery wall and tackled her to the ground, while the other three leapt out of a black luxury car.

While I totally applaud your use of shrubbery I did a massive double-take at that passage. I was thinking "ok, cool, we're going to see what's up with the disc" and all that jazz, and then she's fighting in the next paragraph. I know you could have written out some cool scene with these men-in-black trying to sneak around the house, acting all commando, and really build up the attack on Bra. As it is its just really... blunt.

The fight scene in the first post was fine. Again, it felt a bit rushed, probably since it was being thrown in with everything else, but, again, the quality is still there. I wish the fight had been written to be a bit... darker towards the end. It seems pretty normal, just going along beating people up, and then all of a sudden she's ramming a dagger through some poor bastard's skull. Seemed a bit out of character considering the tone you had given the rest of the fight. It doesn't ruin the fight, but its a touch that I think would have added a lot, and could have been incorporated with no more than a couple of extra sentences.

The wind down at the end of the first post was great. The little text message, the exploding car, the overly dramatic "key to her past" bit: all great stuff.

Your second post did a really good job of keeping up a frantic, frenzied tone as Bra was racing to get her disc back, and the slow down for a plot dump didn't break the flow of the post. The sudden erruption back into slaughtering was a bit abrupt, but that's a very minor criticism.

Again another great wrap up. With the agents dead and Bra standing in a room full of technicians controlling a time bubble, it leaves you open to all kinds of choices.

All-in-all, I think your second post was a lot more consistent with your higher-end writing. That's taking into account the standards like word choice, and plot/character development, but also the flow from one scene to another, the tone of the post, and the themes presented for your character. The first post, while definitely good, felt pretty underdeveloped.