If you wouldn't mind.

[Yamu]

First and foremost, I really like your style. You have a great storytelling ability and all of your posts were a good read and I?m hooked so I?ll be keeping up with the rest of the thread. Your narrative skills are second to none.

One of the things I especially liked was how you ended the first part of the flashback:

Continuing to back his placed his hand behind his back, air filled his clenching fist.

I love it when a writer doesn?t just hand the story out but gives you the creative clue as to what is going on.

You had a few grammar mistakes but nothing that I think anyone would ever count you out for. There were a couple things I didn?t like.

This exchange for one:

?Tell me ninja, what do you know about our organization??

?Um?I kill for money, that?s all I really need to know. Give me the over view in writing, I?ll get to it in time. Right now, I?m just interested in getting a task, as for the rest, its reading material for when I make my daily deposits.?

The back and forth didn?t flow very well, ?you kill for money? seemed like a better answer. Your narration cannot be beat, I could not say a single thing to improve on there but your dialogue sometimes doesn?t feel very natural, almost as if they are thought up at different times.

I also did not like that the first part of the flashback was all italics but the second part was in italics as well as a different color. For continuity I would have just left it the same.

I like what you?re doing with this, if anything I would play up the mental fragmentation of loving to kill, and hating loving to kill.