[C&C] Kaden

[Orion]

Once again, I shall give it a read in the near future and tell you how much you suck/win.

[Kaden]

One down and, what's this? One to go? Oh snap!

[Vad]

This is hard...very hard.

For one, I'm learning more than I am finding things to comment on. What I like about your style of writing is the fact that I can get into Kaden's mind. I can feel his emotions and how he feels about his surroundings. Your use of outside phrases is effective as well. Don't have much more. Sorry =/

That's writing wise.

Kaden as a character:

Excellent. From the time Vad and him met face to face in Juno's saga I've liked how you handle him. I read and feel the wisdom in his thinking. Much different than how I handle Vad, which draws me in.

Eh. I feel as though this isn't enough, but I'm at a loss for words and thoughts right now. I'll add more later on.

<3

[Jonathan Meer]

I'm sliding in here to ask for C&C too, if one wants to do so after responding to Kaden.

/ninja

Make your own thread yo and I'll write up some sweet stuff for you.

C&C coming later tonight Mario; I've got your stuff saved to Word Documents and will be reading it in the off-customer portions of work today.

[Jesper]

It's difficult for me to respond to work like yours. Not because it's so bad that I can't find anything good with it, and not even because it's so good that I can't find anything wrong with it.

If "Shadow Play" was submitted to me as a novel at my workplace (imagine that it was completed, longer, and had the same consistent quality), I would pass it through. Seriously. That goes for both writers. I have no idea what my boss would do, but it would go past initial inspection. There are a few mistakes that I see with your writing, Kaden, and I'm sure I could pull up something from Belle's too. I would suggest a few things, of course:

-Don't use adverbs as modifiers. I do it all the time because I don't read my own work, so I feel like a hypocrite. But whatever. You don't do it often enough for it to be a problem, but I've seen a few that made me go back and read over it again.

-Don't put sound effects in dialogue. I do this, too, and I only recently found it to be a problem in my own work (I've done it as recently as my third KK quest). When putting things like "ugh" and "gah" in your dialogue, try pronouncing those things out loud. At least when I do it, it sounds like my character has a speech impediment or is dying from some horrible disease.

-Let the dialogue tag finish the sentence. In other words, don't end your character's sentence with a period if there's a tag coming right after it, since it's like putting two periods in the same sentence. That's something that I had to stretch for, since it didn't bother me as the reader one bit.

So...yeah. I guess I'll go to the praise section.

Your character is probably my favorite on the site, aside from my own, of course. Like Sage said earlier in this thread, Kaden is so real. I mean, he's not real in that he's fictional, but he acts so down-to-earth that if people actually did fly around and shoot beams of energy from their hands I can see him living next door to me.

Kaden is actually the kind of guy I sometimes dislike in real life, though. xD He's so calm and cheery, even at times when he should be absolutely outraged and pissed off. But it rings true, again, because I know some people that act like that.

I like how you've turned something so pure like a moral compass into something that could be viewed as a flaw in some eyes. There are times when Kaden should kill, or should destroy something, but he doesn't because his stupid conscience gets in the way.

In that same vein, he inwardly despises his own abilities because of his destructive potential, like he's afraid of who he could become. The flaw is that he might hesitate a bit too much someday. It makes Kaden very relatable as a character because we as people are rarely satisfied with what we have or who we are.

Annnnnyway, yeah. That's at least my interpretation. You might have been going for something completely different. xD

Kaden and Belle as characters go really well together. Kaden's subtle humor and casual nature really offsets Belle's impulsive and abrasive attitude. I'd definitely like to see you guys write together more in the future. Maybe you can even throw Sophia and I into the mix sometime as well.

[Kaden]

Wow, thanks, Soph. Greatly appreciated.

[Kaden]

Just an OOC note about my last post. The whole Energy Pill thing was just for story purposes. I didn't gain any PP from it.

[Orion]

Because I'm an IT professional, I'm used to doing things late, but if you give me a recent link to your work, I'll REVIEW YO.

[Kaden]

Shadow Play is actually still the thread we're working on. It's only 20 posts long, but some of them are pretty... daunting.

Looking at your last feedback, sounds like you had already read through post 6 or 7.

[Orion]

Then that's where I shall start!

I might critique Belle at the same time, since you're both there.

[Kaden]

I know he certainly wouldn't mind that one bit.

[Belle Hibiki]

Why Kaden, you make it sound like I'm starved for attention!

(Secret: I'm starved for attention)

If you want to, go ahead. If you don't, that's cool, too.

[Orion]

You sound like you have self-eestem issues.

I'm reading through a post containing your work and Kaden's. I'll be doing both of you.

[Orion]

I'll be doing both of you.

Heh heh. Double entendreu. (sp?)

Here's my review:
























































Got you! I haven't started reading yet. But I will now.

[Orion]

Read half, still have eight posts to go, but God damn those are big eight posts left to go. I'll try to finish it tomorrow.

[Orion]

A huge bit of praise to both of you before I get into the nitty-gritty.

This is a rarity for me on Chubbs, but I was actually interested in your storyline. Most people can write well, but it's not usually until sagas that people catch my eye with their ability to storytell. Shadow Play has hooked me, despite it's length. Whenever I see huge roleplays, I generally skim them probably thanks to a low attention span, but both of you post mammoth roleplays and I was always interested to see what would happen next. The fighting scene against Rock in the stormy city centre was fabulous.

Kaden:

He's a compelling character. His fledgling abilities and his doubts over himself and this whole new world he's been thrown into are great to read. Kaden had a life once, but the discovery of ki manipulation has changed everything. Most characters in roles like this are already well versed in their powers and know them inside and out. Kaden's just trying to get by.

He strikes me that although he has this altruistic trait about him, it's almost a front for involving himself in a situation he sees himself benefiting from. I don't think he does it consciously, and at the forefront of his mind he's being the chivalrous samaritan, but there's a small spark of selfishness that makes his loyalty unsure. Such as in the post where Kaden finds out what the dragonballs can do. He has a split moment where he realises that any wish could restore his lost life, which has deeply wounded him. Despite helping Belle find these balls, you leave it open that Kaden might not be the best friend in the end. It's great to see an added slice of uncertainty and unpredictability to the storyline.

Your writing style is captivating and varied. It was a great throwback when you mentioned Kaden watching the old DA or Friend or Foe where you vaguely but undeniably reference Raditzu. From a fourth wall perspective, it's entertaining to see your new character responding to the exploits of your previous.

What I envy most about your posts is your flair with combining the 'action' and 'perception' segments, as you referred to in my C&C. Even in the same paragraph, you flow seamlessly between a life threatening battle and the thought processes that run through Kaden's mind as he lines up for his next movement. That gives your writing fantastic continuity and lets the reader become further immersed in the situation.

Bad stuff? Hmm. The thing that annoyed me the most was that along side these great illustrations of Kaden's life, your grammar sometimes jarred the consistency. At first I shrugged it off because it really didn't matter, but then I noticed it a second and third time, and then I found myself focusing on the sentence rather than what was in the sentence. It's nothing that a little extra proofreading wouldn't fix, and with the monstrous lengths of each of your posts, I would imagine it's nearly a full time job to do that. Just spots like

The courier’s foot caught a piece of rebar jutting from one of the larger pieces of ceiling that had almost crushing him earlier.

and repetition of words in the same sentence were distracting. You were guilty of this mistake several times throughout your posts:

Lunging forward, Kaden thrust both his hands forward

Like I said, they're barely worth mentioning, but fixing those small blemishes would make your writing even greater.

Belle:

Another well thought out, engaging character. I haven't read much of your work in the past, and I can see why you're regarded as one of the better writers on this site.

Belle, if nothing else, is selfless. He picks up any poor, abused soul's problem and makes it his own until it's fixed. If I remember correctly, isn't Belle trying to get the dragonballs to revive everyone that died during the reign of The Construct? And he almost flipped out when Blaze eluded that the occupants of the overturned museum truck, now missing, were killed by him. Belle couldn't possibly have any personal connection with those random security officers, and yet their untimely demises was enough to enrage Belle to the point of lashing out. That's compassion right there.

It's also interesting to see that his love for all people even extends to the murderer. After the rollercoaster of emotions he endured while fighting Blaze, and full well knowing how dangerous he was unchecked, Belle didn't kill him. It's truly all encompassing and for a half saiyan martial artist who was physically abused by his father to show mercy like that is surreal. It's almost surreal to the point of unrealistic, but Belle's outward manifestations of these traits cement the believability. In a sense, I see a similarity with Orion.

He's also quirky. His fear of girls (although it hasn't featured in Shadow Play to any noticeable degree yet), his ineptitude with literacy and technology in a computer powered galaxy add plenty of extra chances for a good chuckle.

You have a diverse vocabulary. Words like "suffused" and "corona", although I didn't know their meaning beforehand, present a vibrant description of events and aesthetics. You blend these words masterfully into such descriptive phrases as "wine red eyes" and "silky shiver of rain." Tantilising imagery such as that make it hard to stop reading, if only to find out how you'll reference Belle's next minutes.

Not sure if you collaborated with Kaden about how you defeated Blaze, but I really enjoyed it. I didn't see it coming at all and I love being surprised.

Downsides? Not a lot, really. Your grammar is almost always spot on, but sometimes you overuse words. Several times you inserted "claws" in a short space, and I felt that the very inclusion of that word as an illustration seemed a little off. You used it to describe the presence of wind, and although this may be a personal perception, I don't think it blends well with the notion of moving air.

This point goes to both of you, could you try to shorten the length of your posts? Even if you make two or three posts, it breaks it up and makes it simpler to digest and reduces the chance that I'll walk over to the 360 for a self instituted break.

However, kudos to both of you. I will continue to read this story as it progresses, if only to see how it all ends and the true motives behind the elementalists' organisation. I hope I get to work with both of you in depth one day, if I find my way out of THE AFTERLIFE (hint hint.)

^_^

[Kaden]

Just realized I never said thanks for this. Then I felt like a douche.

Thanks, greatly, for the feedback, Orion. You are a scholar and a gentleman.

[Jonathan Meer]

Read through about post 8 or so of Shadow Play. Enjoyed it all so far, but I just finished an exam and got four hours of sleep, so I'm a little too wonky to make it through more.

To repeat what a few others have said, Kaden's greatest strength (as far as literature goes, anyway) is the fact that he's so damn human. When he coils back on the ship because of his fear of heights, when he's staring away from the buffet table and locked upon the Dragonball, when he's steadily growing more and more pissed when confronted with the 'terrorist' theory in the courthouse, he oozes realism. This produces a strange sort of atmosphere while reading about him, in which, while the reader cannot thoroughly predict what will happen next, there is a certain consistency maintained throughout the reading of the character such that, whatever does happen, slides perfectly into the character and feels authentic, even if quite different from what has been seen before. This is, of course, as much a 'good' developed out of the writing itself as it is from the 'history' of Kaden.

My only concern is that, while Kaden is interesting and written terribly well (you have, in particular, a good feeling for pace), he isn't terribly surprising as a character, and may run the risk of becoming stagnant. Perhaps it is because I have not read much of the writing on Kaden (having gotten only about a third of the way into Shadow Play, and reading the entirety of your first topic with the big guy (can't remember his name, it's been awhile)), but he is, in many ways, a 'stock' character. Suave, straight-man, collected, irritable when it makes sense to be irritable, and (unless there are ulterior motives for his tagging along with Belle and the gang) thoroughly altruistic. While Kaden himself may be unique, by virtue of his experiences and history (which, due to its specificity, surely no one has written before), these portions of his character are quite recognizable and easily categorized, without many exceptions. For the short-term, it works beautifully. For the long-term, it may turn out flat.

Again, that might merely be because I haven't read the entirety of your work. It's more an issue for the future, and not the present. One that can be easily remedied. 'tis good stuff, otherwise.

[Kaden]

Again, that might merely be because I haven't read the entirety of your work. It's more an issue for the future, and not the present. One that can be easily remedied. 'tis good stuff, otherwise.

No, that's a definitely concern. I do have plans that will end up changing Kaden, but the intent is for it to be a slow process. A process that hasn't really started yet.

I definitely want to stay on the good side of the thin line between consistency and predictability.

[Kaden]

As is going to be my policy after big events, I welcome any feedback, comments, and criticisms coming out of it. Lots of stuff going on in DA.

I've also started a new Personal RP called "A Paid Vacation" on the Earth forum. I'm challenging myself to finish it in the next two days. So, we'll see how it goes.

As Ander would tell it, Kaden's something of a player, so Jessica is a tribute to that.