Yamu's Feedback Shop

[Kazuya]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....693&page=3


Number 43 down, if that's too much, then just the last four posts, I believe. This is a dual thing, so I guess I'm asking for feedback on Bardock's, as well, as this was a joint effort.

Nonetheless, I think you'll enjoy it. Bardock's last post in that thread was the SHIT.


But uh, have at it. I'm in no rush. =)

[Yamu]

I'll be reading both, so if Bardock posts in here I'll get him too and not count it towards my 'two' limit. Same thing with Eighteen since I read hers but I won't critique someone who doesn't ask for it.

[Kazuya]

k. I guess the only reason why i asked for his, as well, is because both of our stuff is dependent on the other, you know?

[Yamu]

Oh, of course. I was saying I would of course read his so I could follow the story I just wasn't going to give C&C on his posts unless he asked for it. I'm gonna read y'all's as soon as SVU is over.

[Kazuya]

<3 Thanks

[Juno]

Thanks a whole lot, Yamu, that really helped. Inspired me to go write a post right now, in fact!

[Yamu]

Violet:

First and foremost: Wow. You and Bardock wove an amazing story together. The action you both wrote was top notch and you draped it in a layer of deep emotionality that makes Rping what it SHOULD be. Kudos, Bravo, thumbs up, gold stars, and everything else I might think of. You two hit the nail on the head and it went out the other side of the board. I especially like how you topped off the cake with the nice icing of them recovering and painting the ship, ending a thread that heavy with some light heartedness was the perfect choice.

The first two posts I read I was going to scold the two of you for not incorporating each other in your RPs but by that third post you two were totally integrated and streamlined to the point where I have to turn that scold into a congratulations on working so perfectly as a team.

Your personal biggest strength is that you have a great breadth and depth of vocabulary that keeps your writing fresh and new line after line. It can get hard to describe your character punching a guys face twenty different times, or being swat with a tail in your case, but you manage so well I really did not notive until I re-read it.

Problem wise nothing I could find in spelling or grammar. I think between all of your and Bardock’s posts I found one misplaced word, so I didn’t bother to quote it. You have surpassed basic writing and you use advance skills in your writing and you are very much on your way to a distinct style.

There were a couple things that irked me but there are stylistic.

The main thing is that you sometimes allow yourself to get too flowery.

Stick to one simile per an action. It sucks when you have to pick between two you really like but you don’t want to bury the reader in literary devices.

His voice whispered inside her head, like the howling winds that broke over their bodies like the pelting waves of the ocean against sand, unyielding, forcing its way to shore.

Separate the actions so it doesn’t feel like your imagery is more important then the story.

His voice whispered inside her head like the howling winds and his words broke over her body like the pelting waves of the unyielding ocean against sand, forcing its way to shore.

I love similes and metaphors but it is easy to overuse them.

The other overly flowery moment might have been unintentional but the way you chose and positioned the first thirteen words below I read it in iambic pentameter. It made it feel REALLY bizarre like the sentence was mocking me for not being able to write in poetry.

Within the bloody clutch of her disfigured paw, a chunk of ragged tissue lay; with a quick burst of energy, it fell from her hand in a shower of blackened ash, the only memory of it the crater of exposed bone and muscle on the upper part of his arm.

Entirely possible I have an overactive imagination, but if you did try to give some lines meter in the middle of an RP it comes off as pretentious.

I don’t like colored text as I said in my C&C of Bujin and Celipa. I’ve used it on other RPGs before but it really makes your great writing look cheap and gaudy. You already have things like bold or italics that get the job done, using one of these PLUS color is superfluous and makes it look juvenile. Some people think if they use italics for internal thought they can’t use it for a dream or telepathy, but really they are ALL happening in the characters mind and the italics show that to the reader.

I like how you take inspiration from outside and really make it your own. I’m probably the only one on this site to catch the allusion:

Snowflakes danced within their depths, but instead of the gentle fall of white specks she witnessed only once before, this was a blizzard to rival any real storm on Earth. It was like twin snowglobes set into his face, shaken viciously before being set down to settle.

Yet you make it distinctly Violet and awesome and cool so a very good job bringing in awesome visuals.

This is REALLY minor, but it is awkward when you are writing in a thread and you use ‘chi’ and everyone else uses ‘ki’. I would not have mentioned it in a thread you wrote alone but when other people are using one term and you another you should have a purpose for doing it or not be using it.

[Aero]

Might as well get some feedback on my posts in the Odyssey thread.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=8


Just my two posts that are in the thread please.

[Kazuya]

<3 YEah. Frost from the MG series inspired that little part.


Thanks, Wy. You know i missed the hell out of you while you were gone, right? Right. I squealed like a little girl when Alex told me you were coming back.

[Alexander Trafford]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24252
Quest 4

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15545
Quest 3, only the older stuff in this one is new.

Whenever you have time, i was also quite active in DA08 before i died. i'm looking for more critique at my writing in general, grammar and style etc. whatever you can give for advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Yamu]

Aero:
You have the basics down and your working your way into the more artistic writing styles which is good. Your strength is in characterization you always have your characters DOING something as they talk, tossing their hair scratching, smiling; it makes your interactions seem natural.

The word you should remember is smooth. You have good building blocks in story making and in giving flesh and blood to NPCs but it is really hacked up in spots.

This is just a REALLY roughed up sentence.

Dorothy gave—spat—more information to the him. It seemed to just be an extension of what the crumbled paper said, like Aero had only recovered a fragment of the ad from the television store.

Your message is conveyed but it can be done a lot cleaner: Dorthy gave, or rather spat, more information at Aero that seemed to just be a longer form of the crumpled paper Aero had, like he had only snagged a fragment of the real ad from the television store.

The words you use in this quote don’t really fit what I think you want to convey.

He didn’t really mean any of the seductive names he labeled her as—the vocabulary was simply in his repertoire, almost as addicting to say as fix of heroin was for junkies. “We’re interested. The ship; the money.”

Simply saying that he knows pet names does not really give him a reason to use them. You have a few spots like up there with repertoire where you use a one dollar word when the quarter would work better. It is good to have an extended vocabulary to write with but you don’t always have to go for the biggest word, stick to what is the most precise. Sometimes, ‘big’ does a better job then ‘titanic’.

In this quote:

“What’s going on here?” he murmured, glancing at Zangya and then back at the screen.

“We’re getting more information on that entire treasure fiasco Aero mentioned in the bar,” she replied, folding her slender arms across her breasts. “Have you even spoken to him yet?”

“Not yet. I figured that you’d introduce him to us.”

“True.”

You have three character, four with Dorthy, and it is unclear who is speaking what. I go back and figure out it is Zangya and Tommy but it could easily have been Aero. You never want the reader to have to go back and re-read a passage to garner its meaning.

Why did you bold the word black box over and over again? I really did not see a reason for it and it felt bizarre like I would click on it and get a link to a website about black boxes…possibly a porn site. If you tell me why you made that choice I might be able to give you a better way to do it, but with what I have don’t emphasize words in narration like you would if someone was speaking.

The things up above are all pretty small this next one is really the only big thing that bothered me in your posts: You really need to quit using parentheses. There are times when they are appropriate but you always use them when something else would be better such as here:

She hated insects (What woman doesn’t?).

Especially in a third person narrative you can just put a thought like that into the sentence itself: She hated insects, but then again, what woman doesn't?
And:

Two slabs of metal clamped together (Aero’s dirty mind thought of a virgin pussy, not yet opened by the grace of a man such as himself. Even when he wasn’t speaking of women he was still actively thinking about them).

Again this would work better within the sentence not as an aside: Two slabs of metal clamped together giving Aero the mental image of a virgin pussy, still untouched by a man such as himself. Even when he wasn’t speaking about women he was always thinking about them.

The bigger problem you have with parentheses is when you are trying to make humorous asides or references to the reader:

screaming and yelping inarticulate gibberish (if he were more into reading he would’ve thought of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest).

(except for the colors of the clothes that the corpse wore, which stood out like a white man in Nigeria).

Don’t do asides to the reader to make a reference the character himself doesn’t know. This means you can’t use many allusions on Chubbs, but most fantasy and Sci-Fi doesn’t either. It just goes with the territory. If you want to make a post funny just put it into the work itself. The line about Aero thinking about virgin pussy is good characterization, entertaining, and should be put where I’m forced to read it: INSIDE the sentence, not hidden away from everything else like it is not part of the actual story.

Violet: I’m glad my return brings enjoyment and not hatred, so hearing you say that makes me very happy. You still owe me a Yamu drawing for those beads I sent you, girl. *wink*

Minosha: I’m gonna go over your Grand Kai Quests and skim through DA over today and try and give you a broader analysis then a point by point critique of your posts, because I think it would be more useful to you and it is what you want. I’ll have it up later tonight so I have time to think on it.

[Yamu]

Minoshia:

For starters you are a great writer. You are plain and simple great. There isn’t anything I can say about spelling or grammer because there is nothing there.

To push you to super-stardom there are only a couple Rp-specific feature I believe you should focus one. There is really only one technical advice I would give and that would be treat your posts like individual chapters. Your personal threads drift and overlap each other so that a thread feels more like one long post then individual thoughts laid out along a story.

Your greatest strength is when you and your character are alone. You write very deep and meaningful words such as debating the illusion of the after life in your Kai quests or talking to the moon in DA. Your posts spin real artistry, your problem comes in when Minoshia interacts with other characters, he is so focused on the bad ass factor that there never grows a meaningful relationship out of any interaction. I did not read all of your writing in DA but I think what you began with Seventeen is a definite step in the right direction.

Mix the deeper observation Minoshia is capable of INTO your fighting. The last few posts in Bardock and Violet’s RP on Earth ‘Duality’ is the best example I’ve seen of layering your action with deeper meaning. You have both of these tools now put them together.

The biggest advice I can give you is on a characterization basis. First, NPCs would probably hate your character more then you convey. North Kai seems playful with Minoshia despite him being a total asshole. I’ve always kept up with your work when I’ve been active and I’ve always noticed that unless you have Minoshia killing someone you RP them as being neutral if not friendly when someone of your reputation would fill most with disgust or outright fear. It would really take someone near Minoshia’s particular brand of crazy to really be friendly towards him.

The only other thing I would say is that I’ve never really seen Minoshia as ‘evil’. He is sadistic and extremely selfish but you’re not really overtly malevolent. Anything in the way of advice I would say push Minoshia in one direction or the other. Either through these Grand Kai quest push him towards a more gentler approach, perhaps the evil void in Minoshia is not really him at all he just lived with it for so long that he has convinced himself it is.

Or move towards a true darkness. Not just brutality but to a true state of unrequited evil. Start just killing everything on Namek and don’t stop until another PC comes to stop you. I think you need to put more intent behind your character’s dark side. A purpose beyond just despising everyone else. Some truly dark purpose such as to be the eventual ruler of Hell. Give yourself direction beyond just being ‘bad’. I think it will spark new creativity in you if you set a finish line, even if that line is unattainable.

[Alexander Trafford]

Thanks alot Yams, that helps more than you know. I was thinking about the intent thing and i wasn't sure what i wanted to do yet, i want to write a personal storyline explaining why Minoshia is the way he is - but i'm afraid that what i have planned will make people sympathetic towards him. I want to move more in the dark direction, but i don;t know what to do (that would be alright with staff). RPing just killing masses of people gets boring and shallow after awhile, ya know? If i could rule Hell that would be so bad ass. lol. Thanks alot man.

[Szar]

Yamu. I'd like feedback, too. But it's not for this site. If you can IM me sometime I'd like to link you to some posts on another site. If you don't want to read 'em, that's cool. It'd just be nice.

[Tempo]

This is pretty nice of you my man. Would you mind taking a gander at my thread?

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24067

Its only 4 posts. Thank you verrrrry much my dawg.

[Piper Juunanagou]

No harm in asking, I suppose.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24219

That's my last King Kai Quest. I have mixed feelings on the thread. #11-14 is all I'd like for you to feedback. Thank you, kind sir.

[Yamu]

Paragus:

I loved the song you used in your post and I do the same thing, splicing lyrics in the middle so the reader gets that music in their head as they are reading. I have no idea how the RPG as a whole feels about it, but I think it is an awesome way to set the mood and add an extra layer to your RPs. I would say keep that up.

Make your power-up more dramatic, especially the first few times. I’m normally the first person who rolls their eyes when someone takes three paragraphs to describe one punch, but intentionally going SSJ for the first time is something you can take some time going over all the little minutia until you explode in a brilliant golden flash that knocks the walls down. There is reason the first time someone reaches a new level in the show they take an entire episode to show it, it is worth spending time over to build up the excitement.

You have some minor grammar errors throughout all of your posts. You use ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’ a lot. Be careful. ‘Your’ is possessive, ‘you’re’ is a conjunction for ‘you are’.

‘The elite’ isn’t a good pronoun for your character. You need to make sure that the reader cannot question who it is. Use ‘the elite saiyin’, though something that is uniquely your character is even better ‘the one eyed warrior’ etc.

You started a post this way:

“Listen Guys. We don’t have to do this.”

“Im gonna beat you so hard your ancestors are gonna feel it ”

While me reading through your thread it was obvious Paragus began and the big thug spoke second but you want to think as each post as a chapter and make it clear. Dialogue is also the best place, in my opinion, to build characterization and flavor your writing into a personal style.

For instace

Paragus held his hands up palms facing them as he backed towards the door, “Listen guys, we don’t have to do this.”

Has a completely different feel for Paragus and the scene then:

Paragus clutched his mug and spoke into the dark brown liquid already questioning whether seeking out Dimiras was a good idea, “Listen, Buddy. We don’t have to do this.”

I’m sure one of these images were in your head as you wrote your post, but by not writing it out either of these are easily inferred by the reader and they create a very different mood for the post and can set the tone for the thread as well.

You do this several times where you leave dialogue unmodified. Give Paragus, your fellow PCs, and your own NPCs more life by describing HOW they say something not just writing out that they say it.

You are a good writer, you’ve mastered most of the basics but still have some little hiccups that are preventing you from getting into the advanced stuff. The biggest thing you need to focus on improving is finding a voice for your writing. It is sort of an esoteric ideal but you need to bring out details in the story that are important to you as the author. The best way to do this is use things that have meaning to you and they will transfer to the reader. Imagery that provokes a reaction in you. Action that you think is badass. Cliffhangers that make you want to get right back into writing. This will help build a style that is uniquely you since the imagery and characters will come directly out of you.

[Yamu]

Android Seventeen:

First off, I love surrealism so this who thread thrills me on a very primal level. There are so many elements that you flesh out to its fullest that make your posts an exciting read.

I like that your NPCs are not merely facets of Seventeen’s own personality but maintain their own bias and personality within the Void.

I like that the Dark Assassin is an unspeaking, unfeeling, agent of death. There is an old adage that the less a bad guy speaks the scarier he is and while usually I disagree you make a frightening force out of this rule of thumb.

You do a supreme job of blending well written and paced action that is blended with meaning and emotion. This is, to me at least, the pinnacle of RP writing: A battle scene where the character grows and progresses through the struggle and the outcome of the fight.

You have couched this thread perfectly within your story elements: going through your past experiences with your present eye, spirit guides form other points in the past, and the relentless pursuit of your ‘future self’.

You have a crafted a brilliant story that is incredibly well written. For me you hit all the right notes at the exactly right time. I even went back and read the scenes before the one with Rime and you still pace and write the story with in an inch of its life. Every scene as well as each post has a clear beginning, middle, and end as well. I really cannot add on any higher praise, man, your writing is up there with my favorites not only on the site but just in general.

You change up scenes between a focus on action or emotion and sprinkle in enough humor to make Seventeen seem like a whole person, not just an action facimile.

You had a few minor mistakes, but there was nothing habitual for me to harp on and the best writers flub, even published ones.

Keep doing what you’re doing until you get bored with it because it is awesome. I look forward to writing with you again and I’m sorry that I can’t give a better critique then: “You fucking rock.”

[Tempo]

Thanks a bunch man. I will try to remember most of those for my next rp and for many more to come.

[Piper Juunanagou]

Thank you very much, Yamu. You just worked wonders for my muse, lol.