[C&C] Serendipity

[Jesper]

Right.

Well, I've already started, but I can't give you a guess as to when I'll be finished. It could be anywhere from short to massive.

[Kaden]

I always prefer massive.

[Jesper]

Well, there you go. I told you it would be somewhere in between.

[Android-18]

I have a great idea already. I probably wont be able to do it tonight. Hopefully tomorrow morning/night.

[Kaden]

Should I wait, then? Or would it ruin your idea if people moved around?

[Android-18]

Well I guess you can RP, my idea isnt all that important.

[Belle Hibiki]

Will be reading through this thread sometime tomorrow/today. Figure I better keep up.

[Kaden]

Ok, then I'll throw something up when I get back home.

Also, I finally put up a bio for Kaden. Just a head's up.

[Belle Hibiki]

Finished reading through. Overall, pretty good. Comments:

Sophia: You started weak, but got better. Your first posts in particular seemed strange, containing what I thought were some contradictory statements. My number one advice for you would be to avoid needless qualifiers. Example:

The bandit gasped and stumbled backwards onto his backside. As he began to rub his jaw angrily, Sophia looked at her hands, laughing in amusement.

The "in amusement" doesn't need to be there. She's laughing, which is something people do when amused, and she doesn't seem to be the type to get off on other people's pain. Qualifiers are sometimes necessary, but in this case (and at other points in the work), it needlessly extends a sentence and makes it boring.

Kaden: As you've probably guessed from your glowing reception, you're the best writer in the thread. Your performance is consistently competent, and there's some stuff in there that's really good. As a writer I tend to focus on action and reaction, not getting too deep into my character's thoughts, but you effectively painted Kaden for me in the first post with the internal dialogue. Grats on that.

You've stated elsewhere that you write off the cuff, and that's clearly served you well in some areas, but it's also tripped you up in others. Because most of your writing is so good, the weird spots seem to stand out all the more. This can be seen, in fact, in your first paragraph:

Finding time to just sit back and relax was becoming harder and harder, it seemed. All things considered, Kaden couldn't complain about the courier gig he had landed. The work wasn't hard, or strenuous, but the hectic schedule made it almost impossible to make serious plans. It seemed that every time he tried, his cell would start ringing and his boss would have another emergency. So it was with unsurprised sigh that Kaden rolled over and grabbed his phone off of his bed-side table.

Everything is good, flows smoothly, and opens a window on the character's life. And then you hit the last sentence, and I felt jarred. The scenery is not laid out for me before I'm suddenly dumped into what I can only suppose is the character's bed, answering what I can only suppose is the aforementioned, dreaded phone. A clearer statement would have been:

So it was with an unsurprised sigh that, at a quarter to ten, Kaden rolled over in bed and grabbed his phone off the bed-side table.

(You could substitute 'grabbed his phone off the' with 'answered the phone on his', really, if you feel that makes it better.)

Like I said, small stuff. I'm pretty sure you could fix most of these kinds of things by giving your stuff a once-through before posting it.



That's what immediately stands out to me. I was going to do Alexandra and Dimitri, but I'm probably putting that off to tomorrow as I simply can't give as detailed a feedback to you two as I gave to Kaden and Sophia.

[Kaden]

Very much appreciated, Belle. Thanks.

I tend to get really stop-and-go when I write. That usually leads to clunky areas when I switch between the two of them. It would probably do me well to try and temper that.

[Jesper]

I'll keep that in mind, though I'll agree to disagree with some of it. <.< Thanks.

[Belle Hibiki]

I don't ask that you agree with me, only that you grade my stuff in return.

... Okay, not really, but I'd appreciate it, since I know my writing is far from perfect.

[Super Buu]

I actually think Kaden's bit there was alright, since the 'bed-side table' part tells you he's in bed. But that's just my opinion, and your C&C is still amazing.

[Android-18]

I can't wait.

[Kaden]

Posted.

The most important post I've done about Kaden's backstory so far.

[Kaden]

Who wants next?

[Jesper]

I might get a post up today. If you want to go ahead and post before I do, Alexandra, feel free.

[Belle Hibiki]

Alexandra: While I haven't consciously followed your writing, I've been exposed to it several times over the years. One thing that I've consistently found is that you tend to write a lot, but say very little. No matter what Friend or Foe might suggest, in writing less is more. This doesn't mean that every sentence must be trimmed down to its bare bones, but that if you indulge in description, let it serve a purpose. Guard against the over verbose whenever possible, particularly in action sequences.

Some sentences seem awkwardly constructed. To catch these, try reading your work aloud, either to yourself or, even better, to a friend. Very often the human ear will pick up what your mind might otherwise skip over. Bottom line, if it doesn't sound right in the ear, it's not going to sound right on the page.

When possible, go for the specific over the vague. Example:

He had made it to the roof in no time at all, and she cursed this ever so quietly.

Don't just say that she swore. This is a chase scene, immediate and visceral, and it demands the same of your language. "Shit", "Fuck", "Goddamn", "Crap" - all are immeasurably more preferable than the ambiguous mention of a curse. Even if you don't go that route, you can still tighten up the sentence by eliminating a few choice words:

He had made it to the roof in no time at all. She cursed quietly.

You end up with the same statement said with fewer words. It reads easier, and although it could stand to be tightened up even further (adverb, I'm looking at you), it is, in my opinion, more serviceable.

[Belle Hibiki]

As a side note, after reading Kaden's latest post, I'm totally convinced they should meet up sometimes. They'd either become the Odd Couple or rivals, since they seem like total opposites. Ki vs. strength, city boy vs. woodsman, thinks too much vs. thinks too little... I could go on.

Edit: And Dimi, I'll get to you eventually. I haven't forgotten! It's just that I'm four days behind on my own thread. I want to finish a post for that first.

[Android-18]

Wow, not what I expected...