C&C: Uncertain Prophecies

[Juno]

Uncertain Prophecies (Telepathy Training)

Whoo. C&C please. I'll return the favor!

[Juno]

Bump.

[Tamsin]

I am not a great expert, so take my words with a grain of salt. I have read what you have written so far and I have mixed feelings about it.

The opening of the roleplay was quite good. It could have been better, but that is always the case when it comes to writing. As the roleplay countinues, the writing and grammar remain good. However, I noticed that you have a tendendcy to "jump" from scene to scene. It was already present in the Prologue, but it was not that particularly bothersome. But later, the gaps get bigger and it really starts to hurt the fluidity of your work. It is like you are walking and admiring the einviorment around you, but you trip over a rock once in a short while. So I would recommend working on making your roleplays progress a bit more smoothly.

I also noticed you are sometimes scarce on detail. I am not saying you are not including detail. Nor should you involve too much detail (or as a magazine I once read put it, "describe every damn leaf on the road") since one of the joys of reading is to fill the gaps with your own imagination. But a bit more description would not hurt and it would give a bit more depth to your writing.

But what bothered me the most (and this is more a personal preference rather then a writing critique) was the complete lack of first impressions. If Zangya was coming to Namek for the 100th time, her arrival would be negligeble and could have been skipped altogether. But when you come into contact with a foreign einviorment and foreign culture for the first time, first impressions are really important as they reflect on the individuals personality, cultural background and past experiences. But you decided to skip that part and jump right in elsewhere. While it is your choice to do so, I feel that it made the roleplay look a bit akward and broke continuity somewhat.

If you will C&C my work in Knave`s Artifice (located here. You can skip my last roleplay as it is simply a lame excuse to leave Earth), you will see I personally am not a particularly great writer. But I have given you my honest opinion on your writing. Take it as you will.

[Juno]

Thank you, Amadeus. I will C&C your work as quickly as possible.

[Tamsin]

Thank you, Amadeus. I will C&C your work as quickly as possible.

No problem. Take your time, there is no rush.

[Sage]

I have to say this right now:

I like how Amadeus is always so professional about everything. It's like your whole life is a job interview. You're very polite, use very proper, clipped (that's a good thing) English with no contractions and stuff. You're a living User's Manual.

It makes me laugh. There's nothing wrong with it. At all. Your professionalism will get you ahead in life. I just find it amusing.

[Tamsin]

I have to say this right now:

I like how Amadeus is always so professional about everything. It's like your whole life is a job interview. You're very polite, use very proper, clipped (that's a good thing) English with no contractions and stuff. You're a living User's Manual.

It makes me laugh. There's nothing wrong with it. At all. Your professionalism will get you ahead in life. I just find it amusing.

Thank you, Bra. I will take that as a compliment. I would say anything more, but I would probably start writing a novel and totally derail this thread from its intended track.