[C&C] Civil Unrest

[Piper Juunanagou]

A few days ago, I started working on my first real storyline as my custom character and I would greatly enjoy any C&C. I'm not really sure how it's working out though, so any form of advice, criticism, or compliment would be very welcome. I would like to thank in advance anyone with the spare time to read it over.

It's about 4 posts, although the very first post is probably the size of two. Feel free to comment on part of the story if you don't have the time to read all of it. I'll welcome any helpful insight to how the story plays out to readers.

Here's a link: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25345

[Carter]

In general, I love the story so far; there is so much mystery with the time travel and what not, not to mention the hot headed Vad who just spices things up. I especially like how well of an intellect your character is, however, that does seem to be your style. Nevertheless, it works here like never before. People love to see smart, strong women.
An example of this is where Piper is reluctant to drop her guard, with good reason. However, you’ve done a good job of portraying your character without making them look undisruptive. Like how, sure she had the gun and the advantage; that was until she realized the bullets had been removed. Whenever I read your work, whichever character you’re into I always have the overwhelming sense of a chess game. Tactical strikes that give your character an advantage, that is until some unknown (Possible a chess piece you didn’t quite see as a threat) force comes along and knocks your character right back. I mostly enjoy how no matters the situation, in your stories the advantage always manages to slip from one side to another; Great work. The only thing that bothers me is your sense of protocol, don’t be afraid to allow your character to fall into risky, odds stacked against, and dire situations. You may think that you will bring about the end of your character, but if you truly like, feel, and/or love your character, you may be surprised that they come up with ways to prolong the story before you realize you did anything. Loving Piper, totally looking forward to working with you. As always =D

[Piper Juunanagou]

Thanks for the input. Glad to know someone's reading along =)

And don't fret in regards to me not letting my character fall into risky business. That's one of my favorite things to do.

[Sage]

I have been reading. It is very well done. I will make a better commentary when I feel better.

[Sage]

Fffffffffffffffuck.

This is harder than I originally anticipated.

Okay. Piper is a very believable and engaging character, but more importantly, your storyline hasn't been dull. Springboarding straight off of Vad's thread into your own with a great deal of fluidity, nothing felt disjointed or 'hung-up', as often happens when you leave RPing partners and such.

I absolutely hate Father Gomez and I always get noticeably irate when he shows up. So, awesome characterization for the win. I get the whole, twisted southern parishoner stereotype about him, and I hate him. I want him to die, but in the best possible sense of the phrase.

My favorite - and, admittedly, incredibly biased - part of Piper is how closely she parallels Sage. Intriguing, for me, however, is that her reaction/adjustment to her situation couldn't be more different from Sage's.

Anyway, more to the point and stuff. *Ahem*

I have to admit, I don't really react much to the soldiers around Piper. Most of them don't really seem terribly significant to me, so if I had to suggest something I would suggest trying to... I don't even know how to say it. I guess try to characterize them more deeply. If that makes sense.

Your description of Piper's surroundings is amazing. The sense of urgency, spatial awareness, everything is bang-on. I totally pictured the scene where Piper looks down from the skyscraper at Gomez in the crowd below in my head just like a scene out of a movie. It was epic.

I would almost suggest making Gomez a recurring bad guy, since he's just so amazing, and since Piper's own backstory is already so rich, it might really complement her, but I could totally see killing him off appropriate.

And that's another thing. Piper's life up until (and, arguably, including) now, sucks. And we're made completely aware of this, but not in a heavy-handed manner. Very good job, I can only hope I do so well in my own efforts.

For how rapidly you've been revealing information about Piper's past, you've done it clearly and concisely. In a way, I'm a little bit jealous. :p

Good job! I hope this was useful; I really had trouble communicating my thoughts on this one for some reason, so I apologize if it sounds convoluted at all.

[Piper Juunanagou]

Thank you very much for the input.

In regards to a few of your remarks, I do plan to further characterize the soldiers. And Father Gomez (along with the other village members) will be reoccurring antagonists.