Friend or Foe 3 C&C

[Juno]

So, here's how the game works. People post their roleplays here for C&C, and what you do is you give them some critique and a numerical rating, if you so choose, and then you post your own. You MUST give C&C. However, if you wish to forego the numerical rating, no one's going to rail on you unless they specifically asked for one. But yeah. Seeing as I'm the first poster, I get a freebie. =] I like freebies, haha. But yeah, I'd like this roleplay C&C'd, please:

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=5

I'm asking for critiques and I would like a numerical rating, please and thanks.

[Kaden]

I'm not really sure why, but I was surprised at how well your post read. Not really sure what I was expecting.

Aaaanyway, good use of punctuation. I know that sounds like kind of a lame thing to say, but you actually used a semi-colon correctly on more than one occasion. That's worth a mention, I think.

Taking a step back and looking at the entire post, you have a good flow and clearly present what you wanted to get done. Given the judge, I'd say that's a good thing. Also, it's easy to see where Juno's priorities are and what kinds of actions he'll probably be taking later on in the event.

Now, while the overall flow of the post is good, there are some sentences that just read a little awkward to me. Your third and seventh paragraphs seemed a little chunky. I guess. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe it's the word choice, maybe it's the sentence structure, but they just didn't read as easily as the rest of the post for me.

One thing I feel obliged to mention is your use of other characters. At this stage, I think it's safe to say that some people still aren't even sure about their own characters yet. Your use of Sage, for example, was... bold. I'd be interested to see what Sage has to say about it himself, if anything.

Having read your description of Juno, I was actually expecting a lot more of his thought processes to be present in your RP. You set it up so that, in his mind, your character is always playing around with the little things that people do, but there wasn't much of that in your post.

Beyond that, I don't have a whole lot else to say. It was definitely a solid post. I guess my only suggestion would be to take a minute every couple paragraphs and read aloud what you just wrote. That would probably take care of any sentence-flow issues you have. Or maybe not. For all I know, everything sounded perfect to you.

I really hate giving numerical ratings on posts -- I don't think they're actually helpful -- but since you requested one, I'll rate you on how willing I would be to pay for your post: 4/10.

EDIT: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=5

That's actually my only RP in FoF thus far. Obviously, I tried to include things that people wouldn't know if they hadn't read any of my other stuff as Kaden.

If you want to include some kind of numerical rating, knock yourself out. I really don't care. I'm mostly just interested in the critique.

[Kaden]

=(

[Kappa]

Hey Kaden, I'll read over your stuff in a bit; just finishing up some homework.

In the meantime, the following would be my least favorite post out of the six I've written. Which is why I would like constructive criticism so I have an idea how to avoid the hurdles I don't notice myself...

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=11

[Jesper]

Ugh. You make it so hard for me to comment on your post. I even suck at critiquing the work of lesser writers.

That said, it was a pretty solid intro post. Your word usage was as adequate as ever, and there wasn't a misplaced punctuation mark that I could see in my initial look through it (and as an editor, I appreciate that).

I don't have many complaints, really. *shrug* Your post set out exactly what you probably wanted to do--introduce your character to the crazy events that are about to unfold. I guess with that being said, your post didn't actually say a whole lot as to what was happening. But I suppose that you made up for the lack of action with well-placed character thoughts and backstory, which I'm sure the people who haven't read your posts are glad to read.

And with that said, I didn't run into the problem that I had run into when I was writing with you in Serendipity--sometimes what you write, while adequately and sometimes splendidly strung together, doesn't add much to the actual post. I suppose it's an RP equivalent to fanservice in movies. xD However, here, everything was relevant to the situation and your character. So...kudos.

That's the extent of my criticism. Seriously, you're at a point where all I can say to you (without putting in more time than I'm willing) is good job. You're a wonderful and highly respected writer in these circles that probably doesn't need a whole lot of criticism. <.<

Sorry my C&C sucked balls. xD Anyway, since you seem to be against a numerical rating (and I really don't know what I'd give you, anyway), I'll refrain.

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=...stcount=10

I'm fine with a rating.

EDIT: =(

I'm just going to leave this up here. Wizard didn't realize how the game works. <.< Just...uhh...don't forget mine.

[Kappa]

Ah, I see how this works. Give and take, I get it.

Well I've got alot of homework tonight and I won't be able to critique till later. Does anyone want to give mine a shot, anyway?

[Piper Juunanagou]

To Sophia:

Lemme just start off by saying I'm not the best at critiquing work. Most of the time, I usually feel like nothing but a glorified cheerleader *sigh*. Nevertheless, I'mma try and give you something constructive.

For starters, you have stellar grammatical prowess. You pulled off several varying types of punctuation that made me happy (I always think it's nice to see semi-colons). I don't recall any misused commas, which is something that always vexes me...just ask Vad, lol. Your vocabulary and word choice is excellent, and I'd like to cite your forth paragraph as being one spot where I found myself going "that's a cool sentence."

I enjoy your character, and I found her interaction with Sage near the middle of your roleplay to be well executed. All in all, it was a very solid and entertaining read. Around an eight in my books, soldier.

And here's mine: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=2

[Super Buu]

I liked all the descriptions in this post, your word choices really helped to add vividness to my mental picture of the situation. Which is good for an intro especially. Like how Piper 'cracked' her eyes open instead of just opening them.

The dialogue was great as well, I think this is something you've improved on. It seemed to flow very naturally between Piper and Szar, and was complimented well by the descriptions, added laughs etc.

Oh, and I'm going to take a bunch of drugs now and see if it gives me telepathy. Then I'll be on the news saying that your post told me to do it =o The British tabloids will lap it up.

My post:
http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=...ostcount=2

No need for numbers, just rate it with your words =P

[Kaden]

I enjoy your character, and I found her interaction with Sage near the middle of your roleplay to be well executed.

See? I'm not the only one who likes Sophia.

[Kappa]

I'm a C&C virgin here and I don't know how helpful I can be but I'll give it a whirl C:

Rose, I'll start by saying I really enjoyed your writing when you were Super Buu and after reading your post I can say that hasn't changed.

Your paragraphs aren't too long or too heavy, which has a positive effect on the fluidity of the scene (at least for visual readers like myself) and most important- you do that without cutting out important details. That "to-the-point" style of writing, quality over quantity, always leads to a more cinematic experience for the reader.

Uzumaki was illustrated well. Whether or not it was true to character remains a mystery to me as I've yet to read more with him, but the Uzumaki you presented was compelling and a good contrast to Rose.

My favorite line would be: "Apparently, the universe had gotten tired of waiting for her to choose what she wanted to do, and it had made the decision for her. Destiny by default." Its just a good way to conclude the post; and provokes the reader (me) to continue to read and take on destiny with 'er.

Hmm :/ I don't see anything that needs improvement. Maybe I'm a bad critic?

Mine: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=5

[Sullivan]

Wizard: Pretty good.

When you said that your character was gored, I pictured a literal goring - the barbed scorpion tail puncturing your character and piercing out the other side. It was, in my opinion, too drastic a term to use for so mild an injury.

The last bit about his roommate seemed more like a ramble than a needed addition to the post. I can see how it would comply with your character's age and experience, giving him the ability to relate his wisdom to a broad spectrum of situations, but it almost seemed to me like this did little but state that Oliver dislikes scorpions, which we could assume by the fact he was being pursued by large man-eating ones.

I have no qualms with anything conventional because I didn't spot any typos and the post read well. It was good.

Uh, I'd give it a 7/10 or a 7.5/10. Nothing spectacular but a solid post. I don't see anything that could really use improving, either.

Mine:

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=...stcount=10

[Super Buu]

Lots of good fighting, all solid stuff. I liked the twist with Dimitri and Kokukashin getting syringes, that was a nice way to make the battle more interesting. Do more stuff like the bit like the last bit of dialogue, which gave some insight into the character of Dimitri. Maybe it's just me, but his personality seems to be getting darker, which I'd like to see extrapolated. Essentially, I wanna see more interplay between the characters; that's what makes the best fights.

You had some awkward sentences in there. Mainly it's just run-on sentences which you can chop in half, rearrange etc, an example being "He deftly moved to his feet and began running forward in one fluid motion with his feet pounding against the now-cleared pavement whose debris had been swept up in the action." Kind of a mouthful. Try "He deftly moved to his feet and began running forward in one fluid motion. His feet pounded against the now-cleared pavement, whose debris had been swept up in the action." I've pretty much left it as is except the punctuation, but it reads a little better. Plus, it's always good to vary up your sentence structure and include shorter, 'punchier' lines, especially in a fight scene.

I look forward to seeing how you progress in the saga.

Me: http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=...ostcount=3

[Kaden]

That you're known as being a very solid writer is no mistake. The fight scene in that post is fairly short and sweet, and made all the more interesting by the sprinkles of Rose's "dual" nature throughout. The whole "monster within" mechanic can be very entertaining if done right and if you continue to use as you did in that post... well, I'd call that "right."

You use short, simple sentences with great efficiency. They give a certain amount of punch, mix up the flavor of the post without disrupting the flow, and create emphasis without having to go to too much trouble. My only word of warning is to be careful about over-using them. A sentence like "But the noise had stopped" effectively creates atmosphere the way you use it, but I know some people just get hung up on starting a sentence with "but." Overuse also dulls the punch.

Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot I can say without being nitpicky, so that's probably what the rest of this is going to sound like.

On the whole, your word choice is excellent. There were a handful of choices that broke the flow for me a bit, though.

"She grit her teeth" was one of them. After reading that, I spent more time wondering whether or not I would have used "grit" or "gritted" in a post written in the past-tense.

"the remaining two creates were undeterred" was another awkward one for me. The meaning is definitely clear, no doubt, but actually saying the sentence was a bit weird, especially considering the fluidity of the rest of your post.

"the columns of ki making no headway" is the last one that sounded off. Maybe it's just because I've been using Excel too much lately, but I definitely associated column with a vertical structure of some sort, but knew the beams were being launch horizontally. It just made for an awkward image in my mind.

Like I said, pretty nit-picky. Flow, word choice, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure are all solid. You seem to have a very good grasp of your character and her mannerisms, even if that's not the actual case -- I haven't read more than a couple of your posts with Rose. I usually have a problem with "paragraphs" that are only a couple lines long, but you managed to make it work for your post. It was engaging and entertaining, but in a light, fun kind of way.

Hopefully that was helpful.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=5

That's for me. Sorry it's such a long post, but what I'm curious about is whether or not the length was detrimental to the quality of the post or not.

EDIT: If there was something you were hoping to get feedback on, that I didn't touch, feel free to PM me or just reply here.

[Kaden]

Ok, ok. If someone just moves this along, I promise to stop replying and killing the thread.

[Super Buu]

Don't stop replying, your in-depth criticism was incredibly helpful for me and I assume Juno as well. People just get lazy and it takes them a while. =P I'll post again sooner or later.

[Kaden]

Tch... fiiiine.

[Kaden]

Ok, ok. If someone just moves this along, I promise to stop replying and killing the thread.

D=

I'm sure someone wants some feedback.

[Jesper]

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=...ostcount=8

<.<

[Kaden]

Hey! No cuts!

=(

[Jesper]

You didn't say you still wanted C&C. You just said to move it along. xD

But fine, I digress. I'm sure you want a different opinion, though, so I'll just pretend that I never posted.