A little help returning to an RP-style?

[Chase]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26361

Lately, I've been writing things way different to how role-playing is usually done, which ended up with me losing the perception of length, paragraph size, complexity, etcetera, for a normal role-playing post.

I'm aware the last two posts were generally a bit forced, worded weirdly, and with a pace that goes up and down like the current RON-EURO exchange rate, but that's mainly from outside issues. Namely, being written at 5 AM, and being written with a hungover, respectively.

So, any suggestions, comments, criticism, please and thanks?

[Cain]

Unhearable = inaudible.

There are a few grammatical errors.

"is what he would have said, but instead thought, because he knew Dee wouldn't possibly believe him, after all, he didn't believe it before either; and as we all know, saying things which don't change the outcome is extremely inefficient."

The bold. . . Is an illegal switch of perspective, in terms of writing. Conversation is more open. Anyway, the switch in perspective words, when not in dialogue, "I, just like you," is an error.

It should be. . . "...as he knew, saying things which didn't change the outcome was extremely inefficient." Don't address the reader unless it's in a second person situation. (One of the other writers --probably a few masters-- may know of other cases when to do this) Others may disagree with this entirely, but the usage of extremely in that case seems unnecessary.

The italics. . . "After all, he didn't believe it before either;" Starting at after all you should begin a new sentence.

The above two errors are reoccurring, and may be a good place to start practicing proper grammar. Hopefully you can get one of the experts here to help you out.

On to the story.

Chase is creepy. His half-smile is creepy. His ability to get drunk on just a sip indicates he's got liver damage, and the talk about bottles of liquor indicates how it happened. Probably not where you were going, but it happens that way.

***

It poses a story of sorts, that Chase seeks out super powers, with potential to engage. He goes, looking for a fight in some cases. This is a character that's real enough. You might want to study the mental aspects of this character, and go from there.

***

All in all it reads like an American Bleach instead of a Dragonball Z, which isn't a bad thing. Your style is completely up to you. You're off to a really good restart.

[Chase]

Unhearable = inaudible.

There are a few grammatical errors.

"is what he would have said, but instead thought, because he knew Dee wouldn't possibly believe him, after all, he didn't believe it before either; and as we all know, saying things which don't change the outcome is extremely inefficient."

The bold. . . Is an illegal switch of perspective, in terms of writing. Conversation is more open. Anyway, the switch in perspective words, when not in dialogue, "I, just like you," is an error.


It should be. . . "...as he knew, saying things which didn't change the outcome was extremely inefficient." Don't address the reader unless it's in a second person situation. (One of the other writers --probably a few masters-- may know of other cases when to do this)

Wow, I actually wrote that. I'll pay more attention next time. Like I said, I've gotten all too used to stories which directly address the reader, so I'll try to keep focused on removing that.

Others may disagree with this entirely, but the usage of extremely in that case seems unnecessary.

Actually, this was to highlight what Chase thought, to stress the fact that he assumes he's right in cases such as this. Replacing 'as we all know' with 'as he learned through his previous experiences,' should make that a bit more clear.

The italics. . . "After all, he didn't believe it before either;" Starting at after all you should begin a new sentence.

The above two errors are reoccurring, and may be a good place to start practicing proper grammar. Hopefully you can get one of the experts here to help you out.

I'll keep that in mind, and focus on getting the grammar down right.

On to the story.

Chase is creepy. His half-smile is creepy. His ability to get drunk on just a sip indicates he's got liver damage, and the talk about bottles of liquor indicates how it happened. Probably not where you were going, but it happens that way.

Well, the liver damage thing isn't at all what's going on. It should have been clear since then, but I suppose I'll make it clearer in coming posts, that he faked being drunk because everyone around him was drunk.

He observed everyone and saw that people were "drinking alcohol, stuttering, stumbling, and dancing with women". So he began to do those things so he could 'socialize' (note: not 'fit in', he doesn't mind standing out), however he took the most efficient route he could see. Namely doing all those things together. So he drank some alcohol, invited a girl to dance, at which point he started stumbling, and when forced to speak, stuttered as if drunk.

It's probably not all that clear, but as luck had it, I wasn't fully sober myself when writing that post. I'll be sure to keep it in mind and try to explain stuff like this better.

***

It poses a story of sorts, that Chase seeks out super powers, with potential to engage. He goes, looking for a fight in some cases. This is a character that's real enough. You might want to study the mental aspects of this character, and go from there.

***

Well, that's really not at all where I'm heading with the character. I've got Chase's character all down, the problem is just managing to express everything, both consistently and coherently.

All in all it reads like an American Bleach instead of a Dragonball Z, which isn't a bad thing. Your style is completely up to you. You're off to a really good restart.

To be honest, I wouldn't want it to read like a Dragonball Z-type, because it's not fitting for the character. He's an accountant for crying out loud, heh. Can't imagine 'American' Bleach, but yeah, I suppose everything will start to shape up once I get more writing down.

Thanks for everything, I'll try to pay attention to everything.

[Cain]

Whoops.

[Chase]

Spiritual pressure in Bleach. The limbs from thin air also make me think of Bleach. American = Superman = desk worker too

Err, if you mean how I used my ki sense similarly to spiritual pressure, then yes, I suppose it is similar. It's mainly because of things I will explain at a later time though. I suppose it is pretty similar to Bleach in style, wonder if I should have had his old man be a fighting guy, heh.

Well, he'll be much less a superman, but yeah, desk worker woo. Superpowered fingers to type on the keyboard, much?

Either way, thanks.

EDIT: Good job removing the post while I was replying. xD