[C&C] Moyki

[Moyki]

yes, this is my c&c thread. All my writings that I want feedback on will be posted here.

So, my first post is up in my first thread for Moyki. Been forever since I wrote. So I request feedback.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread....post550733


I would like on going feedback on this story as it progresses.

edit: also, it would be great if moderators could clean up some of the [captions for commands] for me as they go along. not asking for an editor, just would be nice if u see bolded words messed up or something to go along and correct it.

[Jarka]

I'll storyline C&C once you put another post up (I never read prologues as an indication of the authors merit since they're usually a "let's get you up to speed" kinda deal).

The only comments I have so far are such (2 & 3 are grammar nitpicks):

1) I think you've got an interesting premise
2) Try to avoid starting sentences with conjunctions: and/but/or/yet. Or, separate them from the rest of the sentence with a comma if you feel it is necessary (See what I did there?).
3) Watch the use of indefinite pronouns. If you use she, he, it, or they, make sure it's clear who you're talking about. Generally, the subject of sentence A should be the subject of sentence B if B is a pronoun. "George and Regina walked to the mall with their dogs. They were smelly." Who is 'they' referring to, the dogs or the people?