Quest: Ghost Ship (Space)

[Piper Juunanagou]

Sigfried and I are going to do some awesome and exciting crap.

Name: Ghost Ship [Unique]
Difficulty: Medium
Requirements: 5000 (combined) CA
Description: Many years ago, one of Earth’s cruise liners was struck by a changeling fighter and left ‘dead in the water.’ The ship, Titan, was abandoned by the Earth’s military during the chaos of the invasion. While many salvage groups attest to its location, none have ever returned from the wreck. This has led to many rumors that the craft is haunted by the angry spirits of its passengers, calling for the blood of the men and women who abandoned them for dead so many years ago.

Well it’s your lucky day, because you stumble upon a salvage group who found the ship’s coordinates. The salvagers believe this will make you rich, and they want you to come along with them to replace their sick man. Surely all those ghost stories and missing crews is just the rambling of a few drunken sailors, right?

[Piper Juunanagou]

Sigfried and I are done now and would like to turn our quest over for grading.

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28353

[Jarka]

Whoot to the first completed quest! Congrats, guys!

C&C:
I really liked that you two brought a twist to the story beyond just making it about a haunted wreck. Also, you get an super A+ for effort: you wrote double the "guideline" amount of words for a medium quest, and it was all quality writing to boot. I actually kind of wish this would have been a hard quest: I was really intrigued by the story and didn't want it to end!

You both have kind of different writing styles, but they seemed to mesh well together. Sometimes two authors joining up can be too jarring when they switch viewpoints, but you pulled it off. Kudos for that.

Sigfried, watch how you start your paragraphs. You tend to start with "Sigfried blah blah blah..." or "He blah blah blah" and it can get a tad repetitive. Vary the start of sentences ("While humming nervously, Sigfried blah blah"), make some first sentences about another subject that connects to Sigfried, ("The emptiness of the ship twisted Sigfried's stomach") and make a list of "synonyms" for Sigfried, such as 'the boy', 'the shapeshifter', and so on. Also, pythons don't crush their prey. They give them super hugs until they die of asphyxiation or cardiac arrest due to constricted blood vessels.

Piper, I felt you had a teensy bit too much exposition too soon. When Piper was having her vision in the middle post, it gave away everything about the shocking twist. I wish you would've held back a little bit more to leave the reader in some more suspense, like preserving the identity of the betrayer until the climax. Just a little something to keep in mind for the future.


Reward:
850z and 10XP

[John Doe]

Just finished reading it. Let's give this a shot...

Piper, it always makes me feel good inside when somebody uses a semicolon correctly. Solid writing overall, save for a typo or two. There was one point when you posed a question without using quotations or italics, and I was confused by it.

[To her amusement, the hatch had not only slammed shut, but the wheel had also been spun all the way to the locked position. Could you close these mechanisms from the other side? Frowning at the notion, the redhead grabbed the old wheel and gave it a tug, but for all of her super strength, Piper couldn’t get the stupid thing to budge.]

I didn't know if you wanted me to think that Piper said this aloud, thought it to herself, or the narrator asked the question. This is a much more nitpicky critic, but I'm still curious.

Sig, I like the way you write dialog. You seem to write it just how it would sound, which I think is called colloquialism. I know you get this a lot, but your posts would improve a good deal if you proofread them before posting. I noticed the use of "you" instead of "your" and the occasional typo here and there.

Reward: 750z and 5XP each

[Kaden]

24 hours for any more grades to come in.

Meant to do this yesterday, actually, then spaced it. Sorry for the delay, Piper.

[Jonathan Meer]

Piper: Your two great strengths are the metaphor and linguistic pacing. You've got a good feel for what reads right and what doesn't. There's the occasional line that's somewhat unfortunate, but it's rather rare, and is quickly swallowed up by other, better lines.

I haven't read any of your stuff before, I have to admit. I don't know who Mel is, I don't really know who Piper is, and I don't really understand the whole 'Sarge' thing. But this has given me a good reason to find out. Good shit.

Piper's Reward: 5 XP 800 Zeni

Sigfried: Some of your metaphors/similes are absolutely fantastic 'hanging open like sores on a corpse.' Some of them are less so. Overall, your posts need a good dose of proofreading, perhaps after letting them sit for a day. Lines like "He wasn’t in the mood to play horror movie by ignoring an obvious transaction with some kind of demon ship just because he had his nerves rattled and he sure as shit wasn’t going to let some thick headed salvage halfwit kill him by trying to force ignorance upon him." just plain don't work.

But, you've got a feel for the genuine, the surprising, the unpredictable. Sigfried turning into a python was fucking awesome, but to have him disgusted by the taste in his mouth? Perfect way to cap off a post. Little details like that are what make an entire post, and you're quite good at them.

Sigfried's reward: 3 XP 600 Zeni

[Sigfried Hunin]

Bump?

[Kaden]

OOC took control of my time yesterday and today. I apologize.

Piper: 7 XP and 800 Zeni

Sig: 6 XP and 750 Zeni