[C&C] Vad

[Vad]

Hate to copy some of my fellow members in making one of these threads, but I've been curious for a while on what some people think of Vad as a character.

Right now I'm looking for an opinion from my current work with Sage.

Retribution II

Thanks in advance! <3

[Kaden]

I'll do yours if you'll do mine.

=O

[Belle Hibiki]

I'll do yours if you'll do mine.

=O

I like where this is going. :gtongue:

[Vad]

I'm not the best, but I'll give it what I can.

[Jonathan Meer]

Just finished reading Retribution II. That’s the extent of your work that I’ve read, so my commentary on your character is sticking to that.

I’m intrigued by this contrast between Vad as a tenacious and alert warrior, and that he needed to be ‘restrained’ upon learning about his wife. As a reader, though, I would be terribly interested in hearing more from Vad himself, and less about his physical actions. There aren’t too many windows into Vad’s brain, and there, I think, is the depth of his feeling, which is a strong point. You’re quite interested in the physicality of Vad, and everything I read in Retribution II was concerned with that physicality. Such an approach is reasonable insofar as it was not boring, but I did feel rather detached from Vad as a person, though I wanted to become attached. Perhaps you do this on purpose.

There was, of course, the prominent instance in the middle of the thread, during which Vad is in a coma, that you offer a glimpse into his mentality, and it is beautiful. I haven’t had the opportunity to read your earlier posts, so I don’t quite know who Trixie really is (beyond that she’s Vad’s wife), nor do I understand the relationship between Vad and his parents. Nevertheless, the comatose portion was sublime. I understand that you can’t just have Vad go into a coma every post, but this sort of a naked glimpse into a character’s mentality is a powerful device, and judging from how well you employed it in this thread, I recommend you continue along that vein.

You have a very developed sense of weakness in Vad, which makes the fights suspenseful. That he often loses makes him all the more real.

The storyline is fascinating. I’ll be reading more as it is written.

[Jesper]

Your passion for your character is apparent throughout the roleplay, which I find kind of inspiring in a way. It's easy to tell that you have a plan for Vad, and although the direction you take him can be transparent at times, you manage to keep your readers entertained at every turn. I'm glad you made an NPC that actually has relevance to your character and didn't just make one and ditch it in the same thread it debuted in. Vad loves Trixie, and she's been there every step of the way.

I...uh...well, I'm glad you didn't overstep some boundaries with Vad's relationship with his wife as you did in other roleplays I've seen you in. I mean...I know Vad has a pretty primal relationship with Trixie, and you got more graphic than you had to when describing the acts of lust between the two characters. You didn't do that much here, and I think you benefited from it in some ways. In the future, keep in mind that subtlety will ultimately win over a larger audience.

Writing-wise, it isn't perfect. I think that you have some grasp over grammar, but you either don't care or you don't proofread. Your grammar gets better as you go along in this thread, but the first few posts are spotted with mistakes (some sentences don't end with any punctuation, and some sentences that should be separated with commas aren't). You would do well to read over your posts thoroughly until you get enough forethought and experience to cut down most of the mistakes while you're typing them.

Although it's not nearly as important, there's an aesthetic aspect to posting on forums, too. This is the one time I'll tell you to deviate from when you would write an essay or even for a novel. You've probably noticed by now that writers here add an extra space after each paragraph; I assume it's because it makes it cleaner and easier to read. In fact, I know that you know that because you do it, too. xD But sometimes you forget to make the extra break, and the result is that a paragraph completely runs into another. Aesthetics don't matter as much as the actual writer, but it can make the difference between having someone glance over your post and someone actually reading it.

You have some talent, and it'll only continue to grow if you work at it, just like anything else. So bottom line is that while it isn't perfect, it's still good enough to garner an authentic Sophia thumbs-up. You'll, uh...just have to imagine it.

[Vad]

Thank you, Jon and Sophia for the words of wisdom. I shall keep it in mind as I continue my adventures.

It is much appreciated.

[Kaden]

Hey, Sophia, stop stealing all of my opinions, you jerk. Unfortunately, a lot of what I was going to say is in the aforementioned jerk's post.

Regardless, here's what I got.

As you mentioned in the ChatBox not too long ago, one of the most interesting things about Vad is his... vibe, I guess. He's a badass and fuck anyone who gets in his way. Whether or not that's actually true is irrelevant. He has that primal, animalistic approach to pretty much everything he does from ravishing his woman to ravaging whoever happens to look at him the wrong way.

There are glimpses of a genuine, not-quite-so-psychotic assassin -- ex-assassin, sorry -- in there, and it generally works pretty well, but can feel kind of scizophrenic -- see what I did there? As a reader, I don't really want to empathize with a dude who's missing his wife when he just got finished chainsawing through dozens of armed alien invaders.

Wait... I think that was Gears of War. Point still stands. I suppose.

There are times when it works alright. There was a scene during Juno's saga in which you talk about how Vad's sorrow -- or grief or whatever it was -- over missing Trixie turned to rage which gave him the strength to tear through someone's neck with a serrated blade while screaming with a savage fury. Or something along those lines. It worked.

There's a careful balance you gotta strike. You're still working on it, but it's coming along. I liked the whole "Trixie as a hostage" means of motivating Vad. I think it gave you a lot to work with and while overusing the device could be a little too Super-Mario, it might be something to think about fleshing out for a future storyline.

Speaking of overused plot devices, you can't really talk about Vad without mentioning Trixie.

I'm kidding, relax. I do have mixed feelings about her, as a mechnic, but there's absolutely no denying that you've made it obvious how important she is to Vad. She plays a very integral part of Vad as a character. It helps give a glimpse into Vad's more... normal side. My problem is that she comes off as... hmmm... I think "fake" is the word I'm looking for.

Vad, as a character, has crazy baggage that's readily apparent to the reader. Trixie, on the other hand, seems relatively normal -- talking personality, not the whole demon-who-lives-in-his-head thing. Is she just as damaged? Was she originally into Vad because of how messed up he is? Are we supposed to care?

The whole Vad/Sage team-up is hilarious, conceptually. Given that Vad's badassness is purely, uh, implied? and not so much based on his actually strength in the game, it would be really interesting to see how he handles getting beat down by someone like Sage or Kaden or Sophia. Someone who's a bona fide not-fighter.

So... yeah. Hope that's, like, helpful.

[Vad]

I'm kidding, relax. I do have mixed feelings about her, as a mechnic, but there's absolutely no denying that you've made it obvious how important she is to Vad. She plays a very integral part of Vad as a character. It helps give a glimpse into Vad's more... normal side. My problem is that she comes off as... hmmm... I think "fake" is the word I'm looking for.

Vad, as a character, has crazy baggage that's readily apparent to the reader. Trixie, on the other hand, seems relatively normal -- talking personality, not the whole demon-who-lives-in-his-head thing. Is she just as damaged? Was she originally into Vad because of how messed up he is? Are we supposed to care?

Out curiosity to the above mentioned section did you happen to read The Love of a Mistress and/or Broken Reality? If you did, then that critique is appreciated greatly because I know I need to improve. (Either way, thanks a bunch =D)

To my knowledge I wrote the history between Vad and Trixie. That's demon realm stuff and is located somewhat in the The Love of a Mistress and mostly in Broken Reality.

To give you a short summary here:

Trixie met Vad while she was in high school in the Demon Realm. (Should probably write her own bio, eh? Plus I haven't completed the...compiled version of Vad's history yet)

Trixie was living a normal demon life (my version of the demon and crud), anyway, she lost her boyfriend to a car wreck. Vad started appearing in the demon realm because he was imprisoned physically and the dimension pulled his mind into it. -- Even as I'm writing this it's coming off weird, I haven't fleshed this out. It's all on paper, I just need to revise it and get it out of my mind. -- Anyway, she meets him, he offers her a new life.

It's really a girl meets boy story. The realm is oppressing Trixie because she's slowly going mad with the death of her boyfriend. Ditching school and her life to embrace Vad's mind she exits the demon realm. The first occurrence to her outside the realm with Vad is written in the first Retribution thread. They assault the facility together.

Thanks for the Critique Kaden, I wrote all this to answer any questions you might have had, or not. I enjoy that people find him interesting.

Thanks.

[Alexander Trafford]

They have high school in the Demon Realm?

[Kaden]

I read a few posts in each of those threads, but I didn't read the whole things.

[Cain]

Trixie and Vad are older than Shou. Vad is a watchful, full grown and stronger male who decides to let it slide that Shou was probably checking out his wife's ass. This is laudable, and shows that he's not quite a total confrontational prick, despite a preformed idea I had of him (though it could've just been about him needing the partner). Trixie's comment, "nice young man," makes her seem like she's eighty, but also makes her seem like she's maturing (because people say things like that at a young age when married or together after school), added to by her doing her husbands hair. It feels like an odd, off the scenes Vegeta-Bulma relationship.

Vad has normal primal glances at his lover, wife in this case. After the second meeting with Shou, Vad and Trixie give off a cool super hero couple vibe of explaining their lighter talents.

Some of the reading is confusingly similar to James (NPC), assuming neither of us has read much of one another. James is also an ex-assassin, also martial arts master, though Vad makes his servitude to warring a little more apparent. Otherwise it seems Trixie is a little more fleshed out than Vad so far. Not to say this is a bad thing, as good NPC's are awesome in my opinion, and so is a mysterious anti-hero protagonist that's revealed through his actions.

This post:
http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.php?p=...stcount=13

I found this post ending too quickly. It was enjoyable. Poor Sage is a meek paralleled to a loud, eye-catching Trixie, which was enjoyable in some strange way. It reminded me of Twilight in a good way (fuck yourselves).

[Vad]

I wish to request a different kind of C&C. This time I want to get some opinions on the information I've been compiling for Vad's roster. His history, Trixie's Realm overview, and one of the bloodlines regarding my version of "demons."

The quote below has all three links.

References
History
The Demon Realm
Demon Bloodlines

[Cain]

Yeah. First off some freewriting while reading the first link.

The history of Vad seems a little bit pieced together. Doing narcotics at her husband's grave. . . Well, maybe, but only if she had a junkie group hanging out with her. Otherwise she could still be neglecting Vad at home while doing narcotics, like is all too frequent in certain parts of the world.

Next, this paragraph is good. There's a feel of historical accuracies in the associations between Earth and Vegeta-Sei.

Next, getting better. History is interesting unlike reading from a textbook can be. Comic Book esque vibes.

There's a contradiction here:
"Trixie's true parents were not to be spoken about; she only had visions about them. They were the reason Vad was permitted to enter the Demon Realm. Beatrix is a the offspring of two of the most feared Daemon Capita soldiers."

You said her true parents were not to be spoken about, and then you spoke about them. You also changed tense. "Beatrix was the..." not "Beatrix is the...".

Regardless of certain errors you're really putting out the extra effort to flesh out your character, and with time your pages will probably be perfect. That part's up to you, as many pages like yours (the main page here), for a while, have errors.

And second, this shows an adept ability to take notes. All three are broken down well, utilizing different headers. I learned a few things about taking notes for a story here. Thanks.

[Vad]

Sweet Jesus, I love you. Couldn't find that contradiction last night. <3

Fixing!

As for the tense changing, I've been doing that in my roster stuff. Thank god it hasn't transferred to my IC posts. D=

I usually catch it, but it slips through sometimes. Thanks mate!

EDIT: To address the pieceing together of his history. It's exactly what I did. I guess I need to make it flow together a little more. I had to grab different parts and make sure they were accurate to what I've envisioned and what worked. The history and information is meant to be an OOC view at it. So what I post is going to be vague. The reference material is going to be in depth and accurate. However weird that seems.

[Vad]

With DA over and Vad on his own. I'm curious to know what you guys think of the direction I'm going and how I'm writing him. I would like to know your thoughts and opinions.

[Vad]

Orion demanded I give this another shot and I heeded his threats. <3

My most recent thread is here. It's currently in progress. For those who've read Vad, you'll want to examine if I've changed how I write him in my absence of posting.

For those of you who haven't read anything of mine before I recommend you start with Retribution II located here.

I'm looking for opinions on how well I handle fight scenes over anything else. I was told by a friend that I tend to handle them really well. Thoughts?

Thanks.

[Jarka]

Retribution III

Per your request, time for me to nitpick! *rolls up sleeves*

I've mentioned before how much of a noticeably stronger writer you are now than in your earlier posts as Vad, and that sentiment holds true in this thread. The storyline definitely has promise, and I can see how it will be a challenge for you to write, seeing as how you are so used to the Vad and Trixie dynamic at this point.

Grammatically, you have a strong hold of things. The biggest error I came across was your comma usage.

"Snapping his left hand into the air in front of him Vad formed a shield and charged forth"
should be
"Snapping his left hand into the air in front of him, Vad formed a shield and charged forth"

You have parallel errors to this throughout the thread. Basically, if a sentence does not start with the subject, it will likely need a comma before the subject is introduced. If you begin a sentence with "Verbing", "Verbing a noun", "Verbing adverbly", "Verbing a noun with a preposition", "Preposition with a noun", or some variant, it will need a comma before the actual start of the sentence. A lot of people go off of the "If you would pause when speaking, put a comma." but that rule can lead you astray (although it can be a handy guideline).

In a similar vein, watch for parallel sentence structure. Your writing really shines when you vary up how your sentences are written. Not every sentence needs to be super long and descriptive; a short sentence can have a lot of impact, too. Sometimes you fall into the habit of having too many "Verbing a noun, Vad verbs another noun." style sentences, and it can get too much of a repetitive rhythm. A good example of varying sentences you used (with edited in commas in bold):

Isabella looked at her mother then to Vad. With a flustered sigh, she stripped from her clothing and untied her hair. Letting the purple locks fall down her back, she placed her hands together and formed a pyramid with her fingers. Purple energy shot forth from the girl's hands and merged with the dying spirit of Vad Zulenka. Instantly and with a bright flash of light, the older woman was thrown from the bedside as the energy from her daughters merger collided with that of Vad's saiyan bloodline.

Also, when a person is speaking or thinking, if their dialogue gets broken up, you do not need to start a new paragraph.

"What!? You can't be serious!" The younger woman shrieked, withdrawing her hands from the man's wounds in disgust.

"I barely know him!"

is a bit confusing. Is Isabella still speaking? Is it her mother? You don't want the reader to have to WORK to figure things out.

"What!? You can't be serious!" The younger woman shrieked, withdrawing her hands from the man's wounds in disgust. "I barely know him!"
is grammatically correct and not confusing. Generally, only do a line break if it's a new speaker, or make it explicit that it is the same speaker.

There are some times in your writing when you'll have an exposition followed by flat description of the exposition.

"M-mother! He was married to an Imperial Blood Valkyrie!" A look of terror formed on both of the women standing before the degraded saiyan warrior.

It was true. Trixie Zulenka was of imperial descent and she possessed the rare form of Imperial Blood. Capable of mimicking the other bloodlines, she possessed untamed raw power that until recently had laid dormant. With it unleashed her father saw it fitting to return her to his side. Now Julia, Isabella's mother, and her daughter were left with the tattered shell of a once great warrior.

I feel like there's a better way to say it without essentially repeating verbatim. Something like (not perfect, I know, but just throwing an example here)...

"M-mother! He was married to an Imperial Blood Valkyrie!" A look of terror formed on both of the women standing before the degraded saiyan warrior.

Vad winced. Capable of mimicking the other bloodlines, his wife possessed untamed raw power that until recently had laid dormant. With it unleashed her father saw it fitting to return her to his side. Now Julia, Isabella's mother, and her daughter were left with the tattered shell of a once great warrior.

You still get that narrative aid (what the hell does it mean to be an Imperial Blood Valkyrie?) without really telling the reader; it gets attributed to Vad in that reading. Any time you think to yourself "I need to explain this," figure out a way to tie it into the narrative instead of just doing an information dump. It will really make the demon realm (and your writing) come alive.

Off of the super nitpicks, you really do have a great handle on Vad and this storyline is shaping up to be really interesting. I appreciate that you're maintaining Trixie's perspective as well (I was somewhat worried from the first post that it was just going to be like, "LOL WUT A BITCH" and then be done with her). That kind of tension and personal confusion in her motives make her feel like a really fleshed out character instead of somebody who just got put on a bus because you didn't feel like writing them anymore. On that note, I know you're comfortable writing as Vad and Trixie, but don't forget to flesh out Isabella (and her mother?). We haven't heard much from or about her yet. You are good at making complex, three-dimensional characters, so I look forward to seeing what you're going to do with her.

[Orsalis]

Words cannot express how angry I am that this site keeps on dumping everything I type. Startin to piss me off a little bit. Anyways.

I think that the thing I want to see the most from your writing is more time spent on each scene. You seem to rush through each post, not really spending enough time on descriptive details or really establishing the scene. For example, I have no idea what the house he's staying in looks like, I don't know any colors or have a description of Isabella other than her hair color. I think if you spent more time on ever scene, really ruminated there and showed us what the scene looked like, gave us sights, sounds, tastes in the air and little glimpses from what you see in the theater of your mind it would all be greatly improved. I wanna read your stuff and have the scene bubble out around me, I wanna see what Vad sees and feels.

I think that is the same problem with a lot of your fights. I feel like you sorta rush through them and that either leaves them too vague and confusing or too bland and point-to-point.

That said, I really love that I can read your writing and hear your character's voices. I understand the conflicts that Vad is going through just because I know his character. I think that one of the reasons that you do rush is because you're invested in the characters and you know them very well. You see and understand the scenes and you just kinda wanna write through it before you forget it or have to do too much work with each piece. I really want to see you paint a picture and show us more what things are like through Vad. If that happened, it would lengthen your posts (which I think would help you,) really draw the reader in and help us understand what is going on.