[BT1] Orsalis v Jayd Review

[Jonathan Meer]

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28420

Just going to be left open perpetually. Orsalis wins by default.

But, of course, C&C-ing never hurts.

[Victoria]

Well, I'll give ya some C&C.

There were a lot of typo's in your posts. I know you don't like to proof read, but it would help for the reader to understand some of the things going on.

I found some of the flow in your post hard to follow. Your fight scenes just seemed a little straight forward and flat, but maybe that was just me. I also was hoping to get more depth and insight into your character. That's what I loved about writing with Sigfried, your writing is so artistic and deep with him. With Orsalis it feels stiff and forced (then again, it could just be because this is a tournament and your opponent didn't reply). Also, wanted to point out, I don't think you needed to punctuate "Dragon's Mouth".

Other than those things, you definitely score points for posting twice by yourself, and for doing a really good job of getting Jayd's character down for knowing nothing about him (I've RPed with him, so I thought I'd let you know, it was nearly dead on).

[Orsalis]

TY for the feedback! I didn't edit the post cause I knew Jayd wasn't gonna post, but I will be much more vigilant when it comes down to "the real thing."

I was very afraid of Orsalis being stiff, and to be honest he's kind of a one dimensional character in a lot of respects. He's not very "human," I guess. I'm working on that, and hopefully I step up my game in his next post. Thanks, Vic!

[Shane Warnock]

Noticed some grammatical errors. For instance in the first RP, first paragraph you wrote 'before point directly at the crowd', when it should have been 'pointed'.

There was humor in it which I liked, for example, Orsalis flicking the mic out of the announcers hand without even realizing it. Indicates a clumsy character, but at the same time, Orsalis is still a dangerous character. It's a nice contradiction.

Your RP's lacked detail in some areas. I felt in the seventh paragraph of your first RP you could have given more detail on the crowds reaction to the fighters.

On the flip side, you gave us an entail on Orsalis's feelings toward the fighter. Orsalis ripping off of the robes indicates that he is eager to get the fight underway.

Took this from the first RP.

A back hand spring landed him back on his feet and he brought his hands up to bare quickly.

Needs to be reworded to make more sense.

For instance, 'He performed a back hand spring, landing on his feet and then quickly brought his hands up.' would be appropriate in this instance.

I feel you improved in your second RP, but still some grammar errors.

In all, my vote goes to Orsalis.

(lol, yeah I know you're through by default)

[Sigfried Hunin]

Thanks man!

[Jarka]

I'm voting Jayd.

[Jonathan Meer]

Tabulation - ∞ votes for Orsalis

Orsalis wins Round 1.