[BT1] Shane Warnock v Edward Reynolds Resolved

[Jonathan Meer]

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28429

Closed in three days (as long as 5 post minimum is reached)

[Sigfried Hunin]

Shane Warnock:
I had a really really hard time understanding what was going on in your first post. It was a combination of the use of your powers and just a really vague, muddle description of what the character was experiencing. I wasn't sure if he was high or crazy or what. Apparently it was foresight, but I wasn't sure how the foresight really applied? I dunno, but it really threw me for a loop. Later in your second post, he brought back a microphone which had pretty clearly been broken in Ed's post, but I suppose that isn't like, a huge deal. I'd like to see more from your character and maybe under different circumstances I can get to know him a little better.

Edward Reynolds:
I really enjoyed these two posts. For a character that isn't really a "fighter's fighter" per se, the writing really carried him. The posts were comical, broke the 4th wall in just the right way and made me literally laugh out loud several times. he layering that's going on in the posts is pretty neat. Some of it was a bit confusing, and I think a more liberal explanation of some of the powers or events that are complicated would help a ton.

In the end I'm for Edward Reynolds. His writing was excellent and he really made his character shine.

[Shane Warnock]

Shane Warnock:
I wasn't sure if he was high or crazy or what. Apparently it was foresight, but I wasn't sure how the foresight really applied? I dunno, but it really threw me for a loop.

Crazy high? Are you talking about the part where Edward had been replaced by a form of himself. I explained that he had been hallucinating. I made sure I explained everything that had happened. It's one of those posts where you had to read every word to understand it, as opposed to just skimming through it. (Not saying you skimmed through it either though)

Shane Warnock:
Later in your second post, he brought back a microphone which had pretty clearly been broken in Ed's post, but I suppose that isn't like, a huge deal. I'd like to see more from your character and maybe under different circumstances I can get to know him a little better.

I wrote in it a way that explained that he had used foresight in Alex's post when he crushed the mic. I thought that was written clear enough.

Every time I used foresight, I made it evident using italics, acompanied by a referal to the act that I actually used the ability.

[Sigfried Hunin]

Right, I'm sorry if I misread it, it was just a little confusing to me as a reader. Like I said, I'd love to see more from your character and see what you can do with him!

[Victoria]

Shane:

Your post was slightly confusing. It made sense after I realized it was foresight, but perhaps next time more of it should be italicized. The way I read it, it felt more like you were repeating the same paragraph three times. It didn't work. Also, there were a few errors here and there, typo's and grammar mistakes. If you don't proof read, that will help. It also didn't make any sense that Edward's post had the mic break, and then you had another one. You can't time travel...and his post wasn't foresight, that would be meta gaming. Either way, it didn't work. However, I think you did a good job of trying to incorporate your characters abilities. I definitely think that if it were made less vague it would have been a lot better.

Edward:

I laughed out loud, which, probably makes me look stupid since I'm at work...lol. I love Edward. Your writing really brings out the character, you have a good way of writing your characters in a way that brings them to life. I can hear them in my head, I can see what they're doing. All I can really say is that there were some typos (which is sad, your post ended with a typo, otherwise it would have been more impacting). I think you have a good style. Some of the best writing on this site.

Although the fight was lacking in actual fighting, really, it was good. My vote goes to Edward Reynolds, his writing was just overall better.

[Jarka]

I wrote in it a way that explained that he had used foresight in Alex's post when he crushed the mic. I thought that was written clear enough.

Every time I used foresight, I made it evident using italics, acompanied by a referal to the act that I actually used the ability.

I don't think you can use foresight in that manner. You can't use it to un-do an action that has already occurred. Since Edward's post was from Edward's POV, it doesn't make sense that Edward would be able to see Shane's foresight.

Edward:
Don't be afraid to vary the length of your paragraphs. The second post (and the first post, to a degree) had mostly the size paragraphs, which can get a bit repetitive in rhythm of a post (super nitpicky, I know) and make it more challenging for a reader to find their place. If, when scrolling through your post, you notice everything the same size, make a few adjustments to change it up - it's just a formatting change, for the most part. As usual, I enjoyed your writing - your comfort with writing as Cap'n Reynolds really shows. And, trapping a fist in Edward's ribcage is a horrifying mental image. Thanks for that.

Shane:
I do agree with Sigfried that some things weren't very clear, particularly the hallucination in the beginning. I think the problem was that your exposition was buried in the middle of a pretty long descriptive paragraph. Perhaps it would've been a bit clearer if it would have been:

Edward Reynolds flashed Shane Warnock a toothy grin and then his slick, gelled white hair darkened to brown. A black band formed on the end of his hair which grew into a ponytail. His facial structure changed, as did his body. The leather jacket formed into a black blazer, the leather top into a white shirt, the leather trousers into black trousers, the boots into crisp, clean black shoes.

The shades faded to reveal an identical version of Shane standing opposite him. The toothy grin faded into a serious expression while Shane’s mouth opened in shock.

This was the same person Shane had seen in his dreams over and over again. This was not a dream though because Shane was not asleep. He must have been hallucinated then, but why? He had never hallucinated before. He had smoked marijuana once, but that was as a teenager in secondary school.

Then you don't lose the exposition (Edward explicitly transformed into Shane) or the explanation/reaction (it's a hallucination) in the middle of description. You are right in saying that all of the information was there, I just think improving the formatting could have helped in this case.

In the end, I vote Edward Reynolds

[Shane Warnock]

After reading Sig's C&C I facepalmed and thought, 'Oh Gosh, I've lost this one'.

Aside from the tourney, it is my second time using Shane's foresight ability. I guess it's been a learning curve handling Shane, considering the fact I haven't been RP'ing with him for that long. I'll take everything that's been said and use it to develop Shane and turn him into a character that'll be enjoyable to read.

[Sigfried Hunin]

Once again man, I really like the character, I just got a lil confuzzled. I think he has a TONNN of potential for bein a sweet "classic anime" char.

[Alexander Trafford]

Shane Warnock: Great style for a DBZ, anime RPG. I'm really digging the character, but it doesn't feel as though you have complete control over him yet, which is obviously understandable. I think that this character has a lot of potential, and once you get more comfortable with him you'll be a more proficient writer than you were with Xenia (that is you, right?). I just think that this character style better fits your abilities as a writer, it just comes off with that anime, kinda action-y feel. I dig that. Mechanics and description may need some work as I was confused and had to reread sometimes.

Ed: You know I dig you as a writer. I always have. Takes me back to the ol' rivalry days when you would whip my ass. This character is almost a change of pace from the likes of Piper and A17. Your writing just seems looser and lighter. It's just as smooth and mechanically sound, which is obviously good. I dig the humor too, just good stuff all around. My only complaints would be formatting and structure. Sometimes I found myself almost reading in a sort of trance, reading then pausing at equal increments, etc. Switch it up a little bit. CATCH ME SITTING ON THAT FASTBALL AND THEN DROP A CURVE.

Vote: Edward Reynolds

Shane, if you shore up some of the mechanical, description kind of stuff, then you win this fight, in my opinion. I really, really dig your character. I mean that. Let's RP sometime.

[John Doe]

Shane: Old record, but I was confused by the whole foresight stuff at the start of your posts and how you used it and all that. You did better with the foresight when it was very short visions. I think it's a good way to keep the post moving along nice and smooth. I also enjoyed how you incorporated a bit of his back story with the old principle alongside the action, and flowed smoothly. Quite smooooooth, ma man. (smooth x4)

Edwardo-kun: I enjoyed the use of inner thoughts throughout your posts; getting glimpses into the character's minds is something I like. Plus the funnies. Some typos, like the typo at the end of your second post (which made me sadface) were spotted, and the fact that your paragraphs were all similar size. All of those things didn't really bother me (because I do them too, and much more frequently).

Yeah, votes! Best to not break the chain. Edward Reynolds! I don't envy whoever has to fight you next round.

[Celena]

Edit: Damn it. Not again.

[Shane Warnock]

Yeah, I was Xenia.

I'm confident that I'll hit my confort zone with Shane during the Red Stallions quest which I plan on partaking in, and then things will really start to get interesting.

Shane, if you shore up some of the mechanical, description kind of stuff, then you win this fight, in my opinion. I really, really dig your character. I mean that. Let's RP sometime.

Sure, I'd be down for that, and thanks.

[Mal Nova]

Bah! I really liked reading both of them. I dont know if I can really say anything about Edwards so much... There may have been a point of two that lost me but that's it.

Shane, I think you need to work on and try to perfect the Foresight in your writing more. Once you get that done writing with it and using it will be so much better...

My Vote: Shane

[Jonathan Meer]

Final Tabulation: 5 votes for Edward Reynolds

Edward wins Round 1.