[BT1-QF] Orsalis v Edward Reynolds Review

[Jonathan Meer]

This thread will be closed in 72 hours, provided five votes have been reached, and the voting did not result in a tie.

As before, all votes must be in bold, and all votes must be accompanied by a substantial comments-and-criticism.

[John Doe]

Sheesh, over two days and no C&C? Shame on all of us!

Orsalis: Starting with the good, I noticed you like using alliteration, specifically "black blades bared" and stuff. I love that specific writing device, so, thumbs up for that. As well, you did a great job of describing the gross images you get when you fight a regenerator. Now the not so good. For starters, Edward wasn't the "Warlock." That was Shane. Then there's the usual "you should probably read over these before posting them" comment. I usually don't either, but it helps me avoid common mistakes like using "too" over "two" or adding an extra "and" when it's not needed. Overall, good stuff.

Edward: I noticed you varied the size of your paragraphs, something a lot of people mentioned last time. Just letting you know we know you noticed us noticing that. The humor was good too, though sometimes it felt a little forced, like you were trying to cram every pop-culture reference or meme you could all at once. Moderation is good (though I lol'd at Hammer Time, those jokes always get me). As well, most of your writing was solid, with a typo or misplaced word here and there. Also, you like to use the word "maw" don't you? It's ok, I do too.

A side note for both of you. What does "kip" mean? I looked it up and it was like, "sleep", but you guys were using it like "kick" or something. I thought it was a typo but you both used it the same way. I hope they didn't make a new word on me and I'm out of the loop. That, or Edward was just making fun of Orsalis' mistakes.

My vote will turn towards Edward.

[Piper Juunanagou]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kip-up

[John Doe]

Word combinations, how do they work? With a - I guess but whatever. Thanks for clearing that up.

[Sigfried Hunin]

For starters, Edward wasn't the "Warlock." That was Shane.

I was referring to Shane. SHANE had attempted those tactics before. Are there any examples you have of my not reading it over? Cause I did like... 4 of 5 times lawl. If you saw something, definitely point it out to me cause if I made a mistake it's probably cause I didn't know it was a rule of grammar.

A "Kip up" is when you kick off of something and right yourself midair. Like this.

[John Doe]

Ok, I thought you were referring to Ed because he was the one who started with those "tactics," I apologize.

[Sigfried Hunin]

Ok, I thought you were referring to Ed because he was the one who started with those "tactics," I apologize.

Nah problem mate, if you misunderstood it then I didn't write it well enough. But yeah, I can't find any typo stuff... can you point it out to me so I can know what I did wrong? I must not know what the error is, so I really don't wanna redo it xD

[John Doe]

But yeah, I can't find any typo stuff... can you point it out to me so I can know what I did wrong? I must not know what the error is, so I really don't wanna redo it xD

It's not so much "typo" as it is "using the wrong word." I did it myself for a long time in the saga, replacing "rifle" with "riffle." The spell check didn't go off, and I never reread my stuff at all to catch it. It's becoming one of the most common errors a writer can have.

As well, I don't think you mixed up "too" and "two" in your tournament posts (I think I saw one in your Jayd fight or the common thread and just wanted to bring it to your attention. The posts outside of this fight did not sway my decision in any way. Gonna make that clear ), though I did spot this in your first post.

"With a sickening gurgle, and a bubbling stream of blood rolled down Edward’s chin, a loud gasp washing over the crowd."

The "and" doesn't need to be there, but most spell checkers won't spot a grammar error like that.

[Sigfried Hunin]

It's not so much "typo" as it is "using the wrong word." I did it myself for a long time in the saga, replacing "rifle" with "riffle." The spell check didn't go off, and I never reread my stuff at all to catch it. It's becoming one of the most common errors a writer can have.

As well, I don't think you mixed up "too" and "two" in your tournament posts (I think I saw one in your Jayd fight or the common thread and just wanted to bring it to your attention. The posts outside of this fight did not sway my decision in any way. Gonna make that clear ), though I did spot this in your first post.

"With a sickening gurgle, and a bubbling stream of blood rolled down Edward’s chin, a loud gasp washing over the crowd."

The "and" doesn't need to be there, but most spell checkers won't spot a grammar error like that.

TY man, I glazed over that like, as many times as I've read it. I NEED A LEGION OF PEOPLE TO READ EVERYTHING I WRITE OR I'M DOOMED TO FAILURE FOREVER.

[Mal Nova]

Orsalis: In your first post, you were easily able to describe everything that happened. But what stuck out in my mind, that juttered(Is this a word?) the flow you had going was, this here: A heavy kick crashed into the underside of his jaw with all the force of a 'field goal kick,' Other then that, the description and flow were great, in my honest opinion. Though, at the begining somewhere I initially thought you were going to make me have to pull out a dictionary...
Second post....You see... I never read anything about the her or the name before,.... so that threw me for a loop. Had me curious... but threw me for a loop.. Guess I had people swinging on mine about something similar...Maybe you should have given more of an informative peice?


Reynolds: I think there was something similar to Orslisis Field goal kick, that had me pause in yours, but it was less noticable I think, and I dont want to go hunt it down, I believe it was the accordian peice. Your flow seemed to remain the same throughout the entire RP and came out very well.
Secon Post... I swear there was a section that stuck out in my mind, but I guess you are doing it on purpose, but it kind of knocks the flow off...

I do have to say and wonder if the Regeneration was a bit over played in this bout, if not god modded in a sense, and I dont think it was really by the user of it.


I'll choose not to vote. Unless asked to and really need to.

[Alexander Trafford]

Edward: The humor seemed forced at time, and perfect at others. And since humor and witty comments appear to be Edward’s primary form of communication, how much I enjoyed your posts was directly correlated to whether or not I smiled or chuckled, more or less. Technically, you’re writing is more or less flawless. I’m not a grammar stud myself, so that may not mean much, but to my eyes you write perfectly in a structural and technical sense. I saw a few grammatical errors but nothing to fret about. You varied up sentence length and paragraph length, which was one of my complaints last time. It kept my focused in on your words and I didn’t zone out at all.

On the other side of things, it seemed like you let Orsalis control, move and advance the fight. Not so much in your second post, but I felt like your first post treaded water, rather than push things forward. Orsalis basically chose the fight’s themes. In the first post Orsalis established that the fight would physically revolve around your regeneration. And in the second post, and a bit in the first, he set the tone for the more personal, emotional conflict: Orsalis’ determination and anger and Edward as the antagonist to his determination. At every turn Orsalis was pressing the fight, and Edward (the character’s here, not the writers) was there stifling his advance. As a writer, you sort of carried those themes that he set down, which is fine because it gives the fight continuity, but I didn’t think, at least in the first post, that you really added anything of your own into it, if you know what I mean.

Orsalis: You need to proofread. Grammatical errors were frequent, as well as weak sentences, both of which can be patched up with proofreading. I’m not much of a proofreader myself, so I know why you don’t, but I know that it will help this. What you should try, and this is a tip that I use myself, is rereading a paragraph after you finish it, and adjusting it then. That way you don’t have to go through the whole thing at the end, as you’ve done it as you go along. I know when I finish a post I’m like ‘fuck this, posted’. So when I do it as I go, I don’t have to deal with that. Only downside is sometimes, especially in combat scenes, it can stifle your ‘flow’, but if you have a good grasp on what you’re doing then rereading it might actually get you going even more.

Technically, you were not as good as Edward. I was surprised and impressed by your vocab, but your sentence structured and strength were not as impressive as his. Fortunately, I’m not much of a grammar nazi. Stylistically, I thought you were superior. As I read the post I was thinking that Orsalis was the protagonist, and by that I don’t mean ‘good guy,’ since Orsalis is clearly a blood thirsty sadist. I thought that, in your posts, You managed to focus on Orsalis and his internal feelings and transformation and frustration as the fight moved on, while still keeping Edward relevant. Which is awesome. There was one time where I thought that you could have done more:

“Orsalis could barely feel the heft of his chest, the only sound he was aware of was air passing through his mouth. He was alone in the darkness of defeat.

But then…”

I’m not a fan of the auto-switch. He went from done to back in like… one space. Later on you explain that, but as I read it I was like no, please, come back. A bit of introspection here would be tit, I think.

All in all your second post was superior to your first. It had more emotion, it had me leaning forward in my seat in the middle (despite the minor frustrations at your grammar).

Vote: Orsalis. This was a tough vote. I think Edward is a better writer, but Orsalis carried this fight. His posts had more emotion, they set the pace, and his style and how he handled this fight just impressed me. I laughed at parts of Edward’s posts, which was the purpose, but in parts of Orsalis’ posts I was like leaning forward, speed-reading, trying to take everything in.

But I mean, great fight all around. I hope this C&C is useful.

[Jonathan Meer]

Five votes haven't yet been reached. This topic will remain open until five votes have been reached.

If five votes haven't been reached in 48 hours from the time of this post, then the victory will go to whoever is in the lead. If it is a tie, then the next vote will break the tie.

[Shou]

I'm going with Orsalis on this one.

Orsalis balled the stock of Edwards quips, character traits and overplayed Edwards character. Edward seemed to take the bait, buying into playing a passive role, and forcing the humor at points (which I get with trying to play a humorous character). Edward is no doubt a better writer, but his story wasn't luring me in as much as Orsalis's. I guess emotion really does shine in these posts because I wanted to see what was going to happen next when I read Orsalis's posts. There were the grammatical errors, but I'm no grammar nazi.

Vote is above.

[Belle Hibiki]

Jesus Christ that got violent in a hurry.

Most of what I was going to say had already been said, particularly by Alexander. I'll just echo the sentiment that Edward seems like the better writer mechanically and stylistically, but suffered from what seemed to be forced attempts at humor that overshadowed the genuinely funny moments. I'd recommend not using pop-culture references in your posts at all if you can avoid it; I felt like I was being pandered to, which ain't cool. Also, your first post seemed to be just occupying space - I could skip it and not really feel like I missed anything.

Ors pushed the narrative along for the first bit. I felt that your style suffered from a little bit of the purple prose - not too much, but there were definitely some sentences that just stuck out as plain odd. Your character was brought out fairly well through the writing, though, like Edward's. And like Trafford said, the way you went about it put this crazy maniac as the 'hero' of this decidedly unheroic battle.

Both writers did well, here. It's actually extremely difficult for me to choose which one. Edward had awesome moments in his posts where I smiled when I read them, and better technically throughout. Ors was better at painting with words, consistently good overall, but didn't feel like he had those moments of excellence that really jumped off the page like Edward's.

If Edward had reigned in his Funnies a bit, this decision would be easy. But I can't judge him based on what he might do next round - I've got to judge based on the current one. And for the current round, I think Orsalis has got it.

[Edward Reynolds]

Boy am I glad the fact that I also did absolutely nothing in my fight with Shane didn't matter at the time. Whew!

[Belle Hibiki]

In the cold light of morning the whole "AGH YOU DIDN'T PUSH THE STORYYYYYY" thing rings a bit hollow to me.

Still vote for Ors, though.

[Alexander Trafford]

I enjoyed reading Orsalis' posts more. That is why I voted for him. I tried to describe why in the post above. If I didn't hit the nail perfectly on the head, then my bad. Doesn't change my vote.

Also, I thought that Orsalis' posts in this fight were better than Shane's in the previous round, so if you did the same thing in both rounds, you stood a better chance of still winning last round then this round. That makes sense to me.

[Victoria]

Well, I'll throw in a fifth to help this along.

Edward,
What can I say that I haven't already? I find your stuff hilarious, and sometimes that's a good thing. Although I feel like you may do it a BIT too much with Edward...he's that sort of character. I want to say that you made him to be comical, and without that, he just wouldn't be Edward. I couldn't find anything really critical to comment on. All I know is that I want to know more about the character.

Orsalis,
I love your writing, you know that. The thing is, I just found that it paled in comparison against Edward. I've never been a huge fan of putting "lol" in any way in a RP, but I understand you were trying to keep up with the way Edward's character is. I found some of your sentences a little redundant, or out of place. Your narrative is good (I'd say that's your strength, pushing a story), but some of your structure could use work.

My vote goes to Edward.

[Alexander Trafford]

Final Tabulation:

Orsalis: 3 Votes
Edward: 2 Votes

Orsalis wins and advances.

[Jonathan Meer]

Final Tabulation:

Orsalis: 3 Votes
Edward: 2 Votes

Orsalis wins and advances.