04-11-2006, 04:45 PM
That's all verbs, verbs, verbs with no adjectives.
You need more description in there. Such as "Chiaotzu got up from bed tired and rubbed his eyes" can be "The prince rose from his bed, shoving off lazily as he rubbed his eyes with a loose fist." The adjectives and adverbs can be very good. Also, try to use pronouns. So instead of 'Chiaotzu' you could say 'The Prinece,' (as I did) or 'Earthling,' or even 'Child-like creature.'
So it'd be nice if you could try again with these things in mind.
You need more description in there. Such as "Chiaotzu got up from bed tired and rubbed his eyes" can be "The prince rose from his bed, shoving off lazily as he rubbed his eyes with a loose fist." The adjectives and adverbs can be very good. Also, try to use pronouns. So instead of 'Chiaotzu' you could say 'The Prinece,' (as I did) or 'Earthling,' or even 'Child-like creature.'
So it'd be nice if you could try again with these things in mind.
"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl."
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