C&C 'Retribution'

[Alexander Trafford]

Can i get some C&C and my personal RP, it's three RP's, none are of extreme length and i think it's a pretty good read. If you don't want to read the whole thing, pick one of them please. I just need some pointers to improve my writing, and what im doing well and what im doing not so well in. Thank you for your time if you do this.

Retribution- In Crimson

C&C por favor....

[Alexander Trafford]

plz?

[Ander]

I'll have a review tomorrow, Mino. =)

[Ander]

Here we go, Mino.

Structure/grammar/mechanics. You have a tendency to capitalize things that don't need to be capitalized. Such as:

Originally posted by Minoshia
1.) The Irrational Konatsa-jin Prince
2.) ...inside was another being, His Ki unsensable...
3.) A Young woman falling to the ground, the Evil he had implanted in her mind gone, Her peaceful self returned.
4.) And then Nothing...

Overall, you only capitalize proper nouns and words at the beginning of a sentence. The first is an adjective, a describing word. No caps. The second is a pronoun, something in place of a noun, but is not proper. No caps. The rest, verbs, regular nouns, etcetera, still no caps.

That's pretty much the only problem I have with that. There are misspellings aplenty, but oh well.

The first thought that came into my head while reading this was, Oh my god.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were an actual sociopath. That's how freaking realistic and empathic the piece was. Your description was unreal. So graphic! When Mino got on the bus, I was on the edge of my seat. The "passive killer" was brilliant, especially coupled with the na?vet? of his bumpkin victims. Although, admittedly, there were pieces (the woman's head, for instance) that I felt were a little too graphic, but they were very necessary to emphasize the depth of pure evil in your character. There was a slight tinge of humor with the disbelief of the people Mino tried to command, which is a very realistic reaction to somebody who makes that kind of ludicrous request. I liked that. It dissolved a bit of the "god complex" that runs rampant in other roleplayers. His whole demeanor seemed to me as that of a crazed uber-Christian, which I found sickeningly entertaining.

Overall, I was captivated. Engrossed, more like it. I would enjoy if you put more of the passive killer in there. Like, his rage is all vented, and now it's that quiet kind of villainy where they just snap one moment, commit an act of violence, and then return to being completely calm. But, that's just me. If you keep going the way you are, it'll turn out fine as well.

[Alexander Trafford]

thank you for the advice bardock. i'll definetely keep everything in mind.

[Alexander Trafford]

anyone else....?

[Yamu]

For starters your imagery is astounding. You communicate your ideas with a visual flair that?s leads me to believe I am seeing exactly what you saw in your own head when you write, and that?s harder to do then you think. I loved the dream sequences where he ?sees? Hellfighter 17 and Selipa together, as well as the splitting of the woman?s head. On those notes I also believe this would fall under a ?Mature? RP, because while I think it is superb it IS on the adult side?right up my alley.

It is also obvious you have a firm handle on your character. A lot of people with strut around having their characters pretty much be the badest ass around, but you can see how others would see Minosha on first glance, a little child. Many have trouble looking at their character through other?s eyes.

The only thing that seemed to bother me was that your sentences seemed choppy, vary your sentence structure and punctuation to give your work a better flow, and draw the reader into a stream of thought that washes over them, not a rapid fire of short thoughts that it like a jackhammer.

Such as:

Originally posted by Minoshia

Minoshia exploded into consciousness. He knew everything he had seen was real. Anger blinding his vision, Silver streaks blazening his eyesight. His aura blazing around him, roasting the wooden artifacts of the small hut. The Prince let his mind cool. His aura diminishing around him.

I would possibly write:

Minosha exploded into consciousness knowing everything he had seen was real. Anger blinded him as silver streaks blazed across his eyes matched onlt in their fury by the fierce aura that surrounded his body, roasting the wooden artifacts of the small hut. Slowly, the Prince let his mind cool, his aura diminishing around him.

I hope this helped.

[Hellfighter 17]

OMG like I totally read the first half and I swears I'll finish it tonight after I save the world from flying koala bears. =(

[Alexander Trafford]

did u ever finish reading it u man beast of koalas?

[Hellfighter 17]

They made a surprise attack last night, sorry. >.>

I'll mainly be conentrating on the last two, as they have the most schtuff.

The first paragraph of your third RP confused me; I wasn't sure if he was attacking them ore merely finding his seat. Although sometimes leaving your reader not knowing can be good, confused is not so good unless it's a major twist, which this wasn't. I really like the thought process of that post, though, but having more physical signs of it would have been better, even though you sai dhe wasn't shakin' and all that, some desrciption og how he was physically would have been nice, but the line

Originally posted by Minoshia
Minoshia squeezed his own fist, his nails diggin slits into his palm.

was great. I love when people add stuff like this, it can be seen as such a minute detail, yet very effective.

As for the second one, I think that as he was walking into the museum and when he was screaming at them the first time he showed have showed signs as I said when he was on the bus. Otherwise, I think you did a good job on the thoughts and actions carried out. As said before, though, you need to work on grammar and schtuff. If you don't have Word, you can just send your RPs to me beforehand and I'll fix it up.