Yamu's Feedback Shop

[Yamu]

I seem to have some free time on my hands this week and a five day trip keeping me from RPing so I?m opening up for business. So anyone who would like for me to read and place some C&C on their work post here and I?ll get to it. I am honest though so you?ll get what I truly think.

[Yamu]

Well, the good first. You have the most creative fight-writing I?ve seen in a while. When you had Bojack kick through two of them and then bend the knee to rip through them, I was astounded. Sometimes battles can become monotonous and yours seem fresh, clean, and original.

The comparison of ?innards? to a pi?ata made me smile, making a completely appropriate simile out of such unrelated objects is simply badass.

I also loved the interlude to a regular Joe Schmoe sitting on his couch and watching the festivities. I would definitely find a way to find a way to incorporate more ?viewers? from different planets into your posts from now on. Also, try and find a way to incorporate them into Bojack?s mood. When the excitement is up, even if its on an interpersonal level, have your chosen viewer leaning forward until the climax where Bojack pulls off the big his and the viewer cheers his or her head off. Just a thought.

One BIG thing I did not like was how you ruined the vampire suspense with an ?OOC? post. I think you could have hinted at it a little better, there really wasn?t anything in the post to hint at his past except for:

Undead?
and he reflected then that he was not so very different from these creatures not so very long ago,

And lets be honest that could mean ANY thing.

I?m guessing he?s a traditional vampire. I would have thrown in something as he was bathed in the zombie?s blood about how it was painful to see so much of what he usually desired but is now to foul to even think of drinking. Possibly making a comment to himself about how pretty 18?s neck looked, yet he knew he would find no satisfaction there.

Also this passage confused me:

An argent streak (or bright pink from the Trueader?s perspective, the color of heat or, the lack thereof) of liquid that the Ader recognized as the same material on his legs head steadily for the saiyan?s arms, and leapt from the earth melting into place as armor on his nude upper body. All this in one fluid motion then to such solidity. It still impressed the Ader.

I still can?t really derive any meaning form it.

I hope this helped.

[Hellfighter 17]

Me, f00'. I'll probably be posting something within not too long, too.

[Yamu]

*scratches head* The good and bad walk hand in hand so I really don?t know where to start?so I?ll just type.

I was loving the whole flashback process, I kind of hoped you were going to keep it up through the whole thing. I would have started with Rildo squaring off against his final opponent, work my way back to the beginning then make my big finish the battle. But, hopefully this path will lead you where you want to go.

Problems with it though. If you knew you were going to be writing three whole post in flashback I would not have ?Bolded? them. Usually the Bold or Italics are used to separate short part of a text?I would have used dashes or some other matter to separate the first since we all new the rest was going to be flashback. I only say this because the bold was painful to read over time for me.

Another problem was the beginning of I believe post 3, the first paragraph sis not seem to fit your framework. I could just be way off but it ruined the continuity to me and just flat out confused me until I just removed it.

There was some minor spelling and punctuation/quotation mistakes but I really don?t look to far into those unless they detract form the writing which yours don?t.

Overall, you are giving a above average narrative great flavor by giving it a new format, which I wished you were keeping up. It was an enthralling read that I wanted to see what happened next. I think it shows class that you are using the open opportunity to delve into the past of your character and let Chubb?s know what makes Rildo tick.

You still have a few more posts to go for SK, I think if you stay on this path long enough you should be glowing green in no time.



HF, Gimme a link and I'll be there.

[Yamu]

Well Hellfighter, there are no technical problems with your post and I think your problem right now is that you don?t really have anything to RP about. It?s difficult to give you some real C&C when it appears your post is more to fill the requirement for FoF then any hardcore RPing. The emotion just isn?t there.

You have a firm grasp on your style which is uniquely your own. My one piece of advie I guess I can give while your in the story slump is find a creative reason for HF?s new sense of direction. The possibilities are near limitless and I think it will be worth your time to make it part of your character, possibly even something long term.

I?ll throw some ideas back and forth with you on AIM tonight with you and we?ll see if we can find a good path for it to go, though knowing you, you already have something up your sleeve.

[Yamu]

Recoome, your spar was good though I really couldn?t say anything was spectacular about it. I would say that you need to sit a little longer with your writing, let it grow and build give your words some meat. You have the foundation to be a great Rper just let your thoughts sit for awhile and give them some detail.

Scar is starting of pretty interesting. You and Nappa seemed to bond a little TO quickly. It is one the best things in an RPG to build relationships and you should give it time and reasons so that the bond seems more real, but now that you have it keep building it and keeping finding new ways that you and Nappa can fight and RP together.

You are just starting out and it shows but you have what it takes to make it. The best advice I can give is to flesh out what you have, you?ve got the skeleton of some good RP?s now just give them the muscle to move me.

Overall, well done, you are on the right road, widen the path a little. Also find someone who?s writing you like and RP with them, I?ve never written better then when I?m trying to impress somebody, it really helped me grow as a writer.

Also, I try not to harp on spelling and grammer but at one point you mispelled Recoome. That's one of the things you want to pay attention to.

[Alexander Trafford]

My new stuff in Master of Assassins, i just wanna see if im improving on the areas u and Bardock said i should improve.

[Yamu]

Well it should be a compliment that the only things I can find wrong are technical not creative.

Your writing is a lot more fluid thin Retribution, it shows that you are working on though it felt at times to me you were actively trying to add the comas in, but keep working at it and I?m sure it will be as smooth as a baby?s bottom.

The only real problem is capitalization again.

You use a lower case ?i? a lot instead of the proper ?I?. Just skim over your last post and it is pretty obvious.

Second, do not capitalize after the commas. You can see this several times in the beginning of your first post though it appears sporadically through out the entire thing.

This is kind of an offshoot of the sentence above but the word ?and? should never be capitalized.

It feels stupid to pick at these things but your imagery and storytelling are so spectacular your RPs should not be dragged down by these mistakes.

I really enjoy the play on Good and Evil and how something born of hell is hoping to re-baptize the world by killing someone ?more evil?.

[Hellfighter 17]

Originally posted by Yamu
Well Hellfighter, there are no technical problems with your post and I think your problem right now is that you don?t really have anything to RP about. It?s difficult to give you some real C&C when it appears your post is more to fill the requirement for FoF then any hardcore RPing. The emotion just isn?t there.

You have a firm grasp on your style which is uniquely your own. My one piece of advie I guess I can give while your in the story slump is find a creative reason for HF?s new sense of direction. The possibilities are near limitless and I think it will be worth your time to make it part of your character, possibly even something long term.

I?ll throw some ideas back and forth with you on AIM tonight with you and we?ll see if we can find a good path for it to go, though knowing you, you already have something up your sleeve.

'Course. >.> Thanks, I'll try to find something to RP about. j00 rocksu.

[Burter Jr]

Yamu, go rp =(

[Yamu]

I'm in flight...I have to wait till Friday when I land on Earth.

[Super Buu]

Props to Yamu for giving out free C&C with no (immediately apparent) hidden costs.

[Yamu]

A couple notes for you King Cold.

First, while confusing I think if you had spent a little time re-reading to see if it made clear sense to an outside source it would be better. I like where you are going with it and it could lead to some interesting characterization if the ?red-eyed? and ?blue ?eyed? changelings are really mere facets of Cold himself. You have amazing RP idea now you need the style.

You post was a little confusing, at the end I saw what you wanted to convey but as I read several parts were unclear. I would definitely next time you are finished re-read everything like you have not written it and see what the writing brings to mind and what you need ot clarify. I know it can be difficult but the whole ?lack of senses? thing REALLY confused me at first it wasn?t till reading for a bit that I got it. Same thing with the ?blue-eyed? changeling?I had no idea that was who was talking to begin with.

Second, if you are going to use colors for different characters speaking, as I have done on other RPG?s so it did make mea little nostalgic, you REALLY need to preview first and make sure that the colors are where you want them to be. At one point in your post the blue bled over into your narration and basically creates an unprofessional image.

AS you work on clarification I would also work out a more fluid sentence structure.

Originally posted by King Cold
Night-time covered the planet. Stars enveloped the sky and shined bright on the night sky. The silver eyes of the changeling looked across the land, looking for a place to train. His eyes stumbled upon a clearing, with a cave. Approaching the cave, his ears could detect faint echoes of monsters and beasts. Looking inside, his vision ended suddenly; he could not see anything inside it. ? Maybe it?s from the night. I hear some things down there and I need the training, so I better go there. Slowly stepping inside the cave, his eyes closed. A draft of warm air blew in his face as his body entered the mystical darkness.

Just doing a little retooling so you can see how things can kind of flow together better.

Night covered the planet, enveloped in the warming light of its multitude of stars. The silver eyes of the changeling looked across the land, looking for a place to train until they stumbled upon a cave. Approaching the rocky opening King Cold?s ears could detect the faint echoes of monsters and beasts. Peering into the cave the changeling king realized he could not see an inch after the opening. ?Hm?perhaps it?s just the darkness obscuring my view. There is something down there and I?ve been aching for a fight! With that he slowly stepped inside cave, closing his eyes as a blast of warm air caressing his body as he entered the mystical darkness.

I think you mainly need to work on passing your ideas across more clearly. You have some superb ideas they are just not translating well. Technique will come with time though, just don?t give up and try proofreading to ensure WE say what you do in your head.

[Piccolo Daimoun]

My Post, Please.

Any post you want, except the beer drinking one. That was purely for one, and to shake up the story. Thanks dude.

[Yamu]

PD, I tried to read your entire post but I?ve been pressed for time lately and have only been able to do page two.

Technically you are flawless, punctuation, grammar, sentence structure, all are perfect some minor screw-ups were clearly exceptions to the rule.

The thing I would work on with you is putting more emotion in your battle scenes. You created a nice mood in PD?s interactions with Hexx, but during your battle with the red and green demon there was just very little there to engage the reader?just not enough emotion. I really can?t give a way to help, one of those kind of intangible elements, but?more passion.

I DID like your Spirit Claws and how they hurt to use, I?m hoping you have plans to expand on this, such as every time he uses the signature attack a little of him dies?it actually TAKES a little spirit to uses the Spirit Claws. Or maybe he just feels intense pain at using the attack, something he always has to live with; he must receive pain to deal out pain.

I also thought the brief black-out memory at the beginning of your last post was quite a nice touch. Don?t be afraid to delve more deeply into things like that, cast a different light on the present by showing his life in the past.

[Yamu]

For your first post I am more then a little impressed! Technically superb and you actually melded emotional and story elements into a spar which is hard to do. I can not wait to see what you do with some ?real? RP?s.

There really isn?t much advice to give you seem to have an above average handle already on how to write the only thing I would say is that some points seem very?I don?t know how to put it, telegraphed; to much like a manual and not enough like a story. Think poetry as your writing.

Originally posted by Pan

Pan stumbled to her feet panting very heavily. The female saiyan started to power up uncontrollably. Her power was rising and rising until she let out a scream of power and her headband came flying off of her head and her hair stood on end. She calmed down after a very loud scream of power erupted from her lungs. Her aura was beaming and her power had crumbled the ground beneath her and all she was standing on was one little bit of ground that was still standing around her.

While there is nothing ?wrong? with this post, there is just very little excitement sent to the reader. I will refer you to Bardock?s RPG Guide:

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...=9357&sid=

Scroll to part II. Description and Details.

Bardock really knew what he was doing when he put this together, and I think it would be beneficial for any newbie an even some old fogy?s to look it over just for the hell of it.

Basically?you are not doing anything ?wrong? there is just a lot you can do MORE right.

[Yamu]

Dodoria, I really cannot say a single bad thing about your posts (I read the last three). The only thing I would definitely say is that from your OOC posts you feel the need to write at a certain level to prove something to somebody. First, you should write for you and the best way to get better it to KEEP writing. Second, when you are going for something like Spiritkin go ahead and plan for it to take a couple weeks, powerups are not just handed out.

Your posts were technically perfect except for at one point you spelled ?knight riders? ?kight riders? which would not have been so bad except for it was in all caps. Then, just a personal pet-peeve to deal with continuity, Dodoria ordered two breakfast burritos and then ended up ?finishing his burger?. This is just nit-picky but any little criticism helps me don?t use something like ?beautiful? twice in a row. If the stars are beautiful then the ocean should be something else.

My favorite part was where Dodoria wanted the moon to explode to ?prove it was mortal?. THAT is some top of the line writing.

My one ?serious? problem was the beginning of your second to last post I believe. I did not understand why it was ?supposed? to be boring when the first several paragraphs could have been shortened into one:

Dodoria spent the next three days of recovery sleeping, eating at Fatty Burger, sleeping, and enjoying his favorite spot at the beach. As he sat listening to the gentle lap of the waves as he had done each previous day at sunset, his own pink color painting the sky in the sun?s setting rays, he knew he KNEW that tommrow?tommrow was the day he acended.

Really, nothing bad to say about your posts you have the groundwork, just write and write and write and you get better and better and better. I really liked the beach scenes and I think you might want to play up imagery like sunsets and sunrises in your future RPs, elements of nature make for great personal reflection as I just kind of tossed in above with the whole pink thing.

[Yamu]

Olibu. I?ll give the big picture first then go into the little things. First, Saga writing can bring out the best and worst in writers. I know how difficult it can be to give quality posts in a limited frame, but you actually had something here if you had run with it. I just felt it was much to short. I would have focused on the indecision a lot more, given the post some passion. The choice: Kala Mountains or go with the group? Clock ticks down further and further as blood oozes from wounds and Satan ravages closer and closer. The element of an important decision drawn out with a timer would have built up a lot of excitement in the reader and given you more to write on.

What I liked: You have several expressions I have not seen anyone else use. ?Chocolate-tanned? and using Titan as a ?pronoun? for Olibu. Also your humor?though the funny parts could have been executed a little better such as:

Originally posted by Olibu
A green, almost reptile like creature stood across the stadium, tail gashing and splitting the soil, and corpses, frequently.

I would have put:

, tail gashing and splitting the soil (and corpses), frequently.

There are other punctuations besides commas, explore!

Also, I believe ?saffron? is a yellow color?and I thought you were describing blood?

Also at the very beginning you used the word ?bodies? when I believe you meant ?body?.

Keep up the good writing!

[Ruhiel]

This one

If you have the time to look at this post, it'd be much appreciated. I think my writing level is degrading, so hearing someone else's feedback would be great.

[Yamu]

Android 20: Wow, I totally was enraptured by your second post. It was smooth as silk as you transitioned from the present to the past, your whole voice seemed to change, and it was like two authors speaking in tandem like the choruses of Ancient Greece. If THAT was degradation, well?man. There is really nothing I can correct on that second post, I loved every word of it. For a personal flair I would have thrown something in on the end like:

?A.? his voice now just above a whisper.

I just like extra detail in this sentimental moments. I plain and simple loved that post.

The first post was a little sketchy to me though. I was just more confused then anything else. You went through a huge description of Earth THEN almost repeated the same thing as seen through Gero?s eyes. I would have just started with Android 20 apologizing then realizing where he was, THEN going on to describes where he was. I just felt odd seeing Earth, the having to RE-see it.

Personally I like a little mystery?I don?t like the answer just handed to me, even if the question is easy.

Originally posted by Android 20
An explosion occurred.

Just seemed, beneath you. Something like:

Then everything went black.

Boom.

Fire and noise chased Gero into unconsciousness.

Just something less explicit would have fit more nicely into your style.

Part two was amazing though?it is rare a go back and re-read a post just for the enjoyment and seeing the seen play out in my mind again. That was one of them.