07-01-2006, 09:39 AM
Today (Friday) was quite interesting.
I wake up to a phone call, and as usual since I'm tired and have only a couple of more hours before work, I ignore it. I finally get up, feeling really shitty and sick, and go check my phone. We (Erin and I) rush out the door to get to work on time, and on the way I check my voicemail. I get a message telling me that a not-that-close-friend of mine passed away last night from heart failure. The man's body was essentially a biological time bomb, so it was to be expected. I don't mean this in a bad way, but imagine Hagrid from the Harry Potter movies except twice the weight, smoking, and his skin is scaly due to bacterial growth. His feet were literally looking like a rotting infestation. He never wore shoes. This was entirely due to a sickness he has had his entire life, and he has spent his life taking medicines and pretty much having a miserable life as a doctor guinea pig. Recently he opened a gaming store to play Magic at till it got run out of business. I hadn't really seen him that much since, but I actually am happy he's finally at rest.
I get to work, feeling ready to throw up, and my boss calls me over and asks both me and my gf to work Sunday, which is the day of the week that we request off together. Pissed me off a bit, but someone missed their flight back from Cali this weekend and someone else is on a break from having been in the hospital, so I just went with it. Its not like we aren't dying for money right now.
So annoyed at this, I go through work. I made about 50 dollars less than I should have tonight (you'd have to work this job to understand why I say that). I had a lot of really crunk guys tonight to serve, and even this one trio on my last table that left me thirty cents, no joke, and just got up and left. I dropped his tip onto the table (Something had happened right before that; I'll get to it) and just said I didn't want it. The two entire tables before that had been Little John wannabes that left me about 2.13 between all 20 people, which means that I went -20$ as far as current earnings (I didn't make enough from them to cover the chef's tip, so since they didn't tip me, I lost money from pocket to cover the chef's tip on their meals).
Right before that final table when I got angry and just dropped the tip (noone even cared, they were some rude fuckers, everyone I had tonight was pretty much 'get my beer and fuck off boy' type customers), I had gotten pissed because I wasn't even supposed to get that last table. But the person that it had been given to arranged some deal with the person that was supposed to be sat instead of me and through this switching, I end up with an extra table and they get off with no table, going to the back to just sit while I get told to do my job.
I go walk Erin outside to the car, trying to talk to her about it and she is pretty angry beings that she's one of the hostesses. She decides she's going to go home and sit for the next two hours till I could get those people that end up stiffing me done with and can clean (I got screwed over on the cleaning too, people pulling power/favoritism with specific people in charge). My manager walks outside, sees me talking to Erin at the car, and just yells for me to go back inside (not angry, just one of those small 'here's your slap on the wrist' deals). I go "I have to go, Jin's yelling." and reach inside to hug her (I'm standing just out of reach of the door b/c of the way this SUV parked next to her, meaning she could only open her door about one foot wide, enough for her to slide in if I stayed back). She is already pissed, and apparently thinks that I'm just turning and walking off, so she goes "Fine, bye" and slams the door.
Right on my fucking hand.
I swear, I sit there for about two seconds in shock and keeping myself calm so as not to punch out a window until she realizes it and finally opens the door freaking out apologizing. My manager yells again, and I'm pretty pissed, so I turn and walk back inside while she's running after me apologizing. I was pissed since I'd already been trying to be nice and talk to her, and it resulted in her losing her temper and nearly breaking my hand. I go run it under cold water and she starts saying that she'll go refill my table for me while I ice it down. I take the pitcher from her and promptly tell her "No, just let me go take care of this table that I somehow ended up with." even though I now have this red line all the way across the center of the back of my hand and can barely bend it. Last table, I don't really care.
She says something about "Fine, bye" again as I am walking back to take care of my customers. I later call her once I get back and she sounds depressed and comes back to get me. I have, at this point picked up the thirty cents tip and ask if anyone wants it, b/c I didn't give a shit about it by this time. Noone does, laughing b/c its so small, and I just turn and throw it into the back room that's empty (no customers are around at this point). I just walk off and get my cleaning done with my throbbing hand.
She gets back and we go get groceries, and wince at how much the bill is since we are hard up on money at this moment. Finally get home, I try to help her unload things with my hand still hurting and finally come over here to sit down on the computer. I touch the mouse and I hear from over my shoulder "I cut my wrist again."
I swear to god you could have heard a needle echo off of a pillow.
She hasn't done anything like that in four years. I had finally gotten her to quit that habit. I went over to talk to her and at some point during it, I basically got really silent and just started crying, as everything that's been stressing me started hitting me. You could physically see this fracture breaking through multiple layers of wall until it hit my core, b/c I was just sitting there shaking over and over and pouring tears, staring off into space. I heard her crying and begging me to say something, and I was slightly aware of myself mouthing words and trying to tell her "I can't", "I love you", and "My fault" or something. I was physically speaking the words, but they weren't coming out. I was hearing myself in my head saying so many things, and it was like this chorus of thoughts arguing with itself, everything that I've thought during depressed moments, everything other people have said, just... everything. Like taking ten radios on different stations and blasting them into your ear while playing Full Metal Jacket and a GWAR concert.
Finally I found her still crying for me to "PLEASE SAY SOMETHING" and I managed to finally just say "I'm sorry". She begged to know why I was sorry, since she said she's the one that did it and that it was stupid and she realizes now just how stupid and childish it was, and I lost my voice again, just staring at her shaking. I guess I was in shock and everything had finally struck me. She was like "Please, just say SOMETHING, anything, even if you tell me you hate me and never want to see me again, say SOMETHING" and I managed to say "I love you" and then "I'll do better".
I ended up pouring my heart out to her while she tried to tell me that this wasn't my fault, that it was the stress from her family problems again and my family and work and money and everything, and all I could do was profess that I wasn't doing my job properly at giving her the life that she deserved and that I'l do better. I'll figure out a way to give her this, and get her away from her pain. I have to. I will do anything for that.
Everything's ok now, and she's terrified that I'm going to hold it against her. I won't. This time. I'm scared, of course, but she realizes that there is a reason she quit in the first place, and I'll give her that one mistake. Especially since she saw how much it hurt me again.
I don't know how to explain what happened to me, but I'm basically a tiny breath away from cracking. I don't even feel like its that much pressure, but on the same end... I realized just how many barriers and walls I have around me, and just how fucking apathetic I am about things. I complain... but the things that truely matter just bounce right off. A friend of mine died last night, and all I could do was hang up the phone, casually tell Erin about it, and go about my day. I mean, we weren't that close, but what the hell?
Anyways. very long rant... But I just... felt the need. I need to do something. Everyone else can live this being kids life, and I want to be able to have some fun and play CoH (REALLY enjoying this game) and hang around here and stuff. But I also want to start a family and give her the life she deserves. I don't have a decent car. We have money problems right now. We are barely going to make rent. I hate my job. I hate PEOPLE due to my job. FUCKING INGRATE people.
Something has to change. This pathetic not getting anywhere stale life where I can't accomplish anything is pissing me off.
I'm going to stop typing now. I said everything important about three to four to ten paragraphs ago, and I just can't stop myself from typing... so I'll just quit.
I can't believe I failed like I did with Erin. I know on one side that I haven't failed and that everything will be ok... but on the other side... She promised me four years ago that this would never happen again... But everyone is entitled to one mistake, and I can't jump on this and increase her stress... but I feel like I failed so much right now, b/c I feel that I should be doing fucking better right now for her to keep this shit from happening.
STOP.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQECQOSBrPY
EDIT: I don't even know how I'm dealing with this. I really fear questioning, b/c I'm probably doing something to myself mentally... I haven't drank a drop of anything we have (which isn't that much), I haven't starved myself... I haven't done any physical pain. I haven't surrounded myself with emo poems and shit, I haven't listened to loud music, I haven't receeded into self pity. I've just... I really don't know. I didn't even play CoH tonight. I just glanced down and realized that four hours have simply passed, and I don't really know what happened to it, only that I sat on the computer looking at the bills and bank online and reading stuff on here. I guess the walls are back in place.
I wake up to a phone call, and as usual since I'm tired and have only a couple of more hours before work, I ignore it. I finally get up, feeling really shitty and sick, and go check my phone. We (Erin and I) rush out the door to get to work on time, and on the way I check my voicemail. I get a message telling me that a not-that-close-friend of mine passed away last night from heart failure. The man's body was essentially a biological time bomb, so it was to be expected. I don't mean this in a bad way, but imagine Hagrid from the Harry Potter movies except twice the weight, smoking, and his skin is scaly due to bacterial growth. His feet were literally looking like a rotting infestation. He never wore shoes. This was entirely due to a sickness he has had his entire life, and he has spent his life taking medicines and pretty much having a miserable life as a doctor guinea pig. Recently he opened a gaming store to play Magic at till it got run out of business. I hadn't really seen him that much since, but I actually am happy he's finally at rest.
I get to work, feeling ready to throw up, and my boss calls me over and asks both me and my gf to work Sunday, which is the day of the week that we request off together. Pissed me off a bit, but someone missed their flight back from Cali this weekend and someone else is on a break from having been in the hospital, so I just went with it. Its not like we aren't dying for money right now.
So annoyed at this, I go through work. I made about 50 dollars less than I should have tonight (you'd have to work this job to understand why I say that). I had a lot of really crunk guys tonight to serve, and even this one trio on my last table that left me thirty cents, no joke, and just got up and left. I dropped his tip onto the table (Something had happened right before that; I'll get to it) and just said I didn't want it. The two entire tables before that had been Little John wannabes that left me about 2.13 between all 20 people, which means that I went -20$ as far as current earnings (I didn't make enough from them to cover the chef's tip, so since they didn't tip me, I lost money from pocket to cover the chef's tip on their meals).
Right before that final table when I got angry and just dropped the tip (noone even cared, they were some rude fuckers, everyone I had tonight was pretty much 'get my beer and fuck off boy' type customers), I had gotten pissed because I wasn't even supposed to get that last table. But the person that it had been given to arranged some deal with the person that was supposed to be sat instead of me and through this switching, I end up with an extra table and they get off with no table, going to the back to just sit while I get told to do my job.
I go walk Erin outside to the car, trying to talk to her about it and she is pretty angry beings that she's one of the hostesses. She decides she's going to go home and sit for the next two hours till I could get those people that end up stiffing me done with and can clean (I got screwed over on the cleaning too, people pulling power/favoritism with specific people in charge). My manager walks outside, sees me talking to Erin at the car, and just yells for me to go back inside (not angry, just one of those small 'here's your slap on the wrist' deals). I go "I have to go, Jin's yelling." and reach inside to hug her (I'm standing just out of reach of the door b/c of the way this SUV parked next to her, meaning she could only open her door about one foot wide, enough for her to slide in if I stayed back). She is already pissed, and apparently thinks that I'm just turning and walking off, so she goes "Fine, bye" and slams the door.
Right on my fucking hand.
I swear, I sit there for about two seconds in shock and keeping myself calm so as not to punch out a window until she realizes it and finally opens the door freaking out apologizing. My manager yells again, and I'm pretty pissed, so I turn and walk back inside while she's running after me apologizing. I was pissed since I'd already been trying to be nice and talk to her, and it resulted in her losing her temper and nearly breaking my hand. I go run it under cold water and she starts saying that she'll go refill my table for me while I ice it down. I take the pitcher from her and promptly tell her "No, just let me go take care of this table that I somehow ended up with." even though I now have this red line all the way across the center of the back of my hand and can barely bend it. Last table, I don't really care.
She says something about "Fine, bye" again as I am walking back to take care of my customers. I later call her once I get back and she sounds depressed and comes back to get me. I have, at this point picked up the thirty cents tip and ask if anyone wants it, b/c I didn't give a shit about it by this time. Noone does, laughing b/c its so small, and I just turn and throw it into the back room that's empty (no customers are around at this point). I just walk off and get my cleaning done with my throbbing hand.
She gets back and we go get groceries, and wince at how much the bill is since we are hard up on money at this moment. Finally get home, I try to help her unload things with my hand still hurting and finally come over here to sit down on the computer. I touch the mouse and I hear from over my shoulder "I cut my wrist again."
I swear to god you could have heard a needle echo off of a pillow.
She hasn't done anything like that in four years. I had finally gotten her to quit that habit. I went over to talk to her and at some point during it, I basically got really silent and just started crying, as everything that's been stressing me started hitting me. You could physically see this fracture breaking through multiple layers of wall until it hit my core, b/c I was just sitting there shaking over and over and pouring tears, staring off into space. I heard her crying and begging me to say something, and I was slightly aware of myself mouthing words and trying to tell her "I can't", "I love you", and "My fault" or something. I was physically speaking the words, but they weren't coming out. I was hearing myself in my head saying so many things, and it was like this chorus of thoughts arguing with itself, everything that I've thought during depressed moments, everything other people have said, just... everything. Like taking ten radios on different stations and blasting them into your ear while playing Full Metal Jacket and a GWAR concert.
Finally I found her still crying for me to "PLEASE SAY SOMETHING" and I managed to finally just say "I'm sorry". She begged to know why I was sorry, since she said she's the one that did it and that it was stupid and she realizes now just how stupid and childish it was, and I lost my voice again, just staring at her shaking. I guess I was in shock and everything had finally struck me. She was like "Please, just say SOMETHING, anything, even if you tell me you hate me and never want to see me again, say SOMETHING" and I managed to say "I love you" and then "I'll do better".
I ended up pouring my heart out to her while she tried to tell me that this wasn't my fault, that it was the stress from her family problems again and my family and work and money and everything, and all I could do was profess that I wasn't doing my job properly at giving her the life that she deserved and that I'l do better. I'll figure out a way to give her this, and get her away from her pain. I have to. I will do anything for that.
Everything's ok now, and she's terrified that I'm going to hold it against her. I won't. This time. I'm scared, of course, but she realizes that there is a reason she quit in the first place, and I'll give her that one mistake. Especially since she saw how much it hurt me again.
I don't know how to explain what happened to me, but I'm basically a tiny breath away from cracking. I don't even feel like its that much pressure, but on the same end... I realized just how many barriers and walls I have around me, and just how fucking apathetic I am about things. I complain... but the things that truely matter just bounce right off. A friend of mine died last night, and all I could do was hang up the phone, casually tell Erin about it, and go about my day. I mean, we weren't that close, but what the hell?
Anyways. very long rant... But I just... felt the need. I need to do something. Everyone else can live this being kids life, and I want to be able to have some fun and play CoH (REALLY enjoying this game) and hang around here and stuff. But I also want to start a family and give her the life she deserves. I don't have a decent car. We have money problems right now. We are barely going to make rent. I hate my job. I hate PEOPLE due to my job. FUCKING INGRATE people.
Something has to change. This pathetic not getting anywhere stale life where I can't accomplish anything is pissing me off.
I'm going to stop typing now. I said everything important about three to four to ten paragraphs ago, and I just can't stop myself from typing... so I'll just quit.
I can't believe I failed like I did with Erin. I know on one side that I haven't failed and that everything will be ok... but on the other side... She promised me four years ago that this would never happen again... But everyone is entitled to one mistake, and I can't jump on this and increase her stress... but I feel like I failed so much right now, b/c I feel that I should be doing fucking better right now for her to keep this shit from happening.
STOP.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQECQOSBrPY
EDIT: I don't even know how I'm dealing with this. I really fear questioning, b/c I'm probably doing something to myself mentally... I haven't drank a drop of anything we have (which isn't that much), I haven't starved myself... I haven't done any physical pain. I haven't surrounded myself with emo poems and shit, I haven't listened to loud music, I haven't receeded into self pity. I've just... I really don't know. I didn't even play CoH tonight. I just glanced down and realized that four hours have simply passed, and I don't really know what happened to it, only that I sat on the computer looking at the bills and bank online and reading stuff on here. I guess the walls are back in place.
![[Image: reijinchefsig.jpg]](http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b121/warpzone116/reijinchefsig.jpg)
"I'm gonna fuck that unicorrrrrn"
![[Image: superbuuelectricityne4.jpg]](http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/3128/superbuuelectricityne4.jpg)
Wow, Reijin, compared to your problems, mine seem pathetic squables that can be easily solved. =\ ![[Image: marcus.png]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v348/neo_fighter6699/Sigs/marcus.png)
![[Image: RadOct.jpg]](http://frozendust.com/sig/raditzu/RadOct.jpg)
![[Image: HFSeventeen.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v687/hf17/HFSeventeen.jpg)
![[Image: Ruhiel.png]](http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q218/Aerogfx/sigs/Ruhiel.png)
