Asking for Feedback

[Yamu]

Well, I spent a lot more time then usual on this post and I plan to spend more on subsequent ones so I want to see what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong as I dig in deeper and deeper. I would ask you focus on the last (third) post as it took the most effort and is the meat of the story.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...13920&sid=

Any feedback you can give would be appreciated, C&C, Grammar, any thing you liked or disliked I would love to hear.

Thank you for your time in advance. The post I?m asking you to look at is kind of long and I appreciate the effort spent to give me the criticism.

Thank you.

[Rem-13]

You had the courtesy to do mine sooo...

Excellent post. Your use of metaphors was very well done, I loved them. They were spaced out fairly well, but I think one or two more would have tipped the balance over to too many. It was fine this time but its something I have seen taken overboard before.

I really like your 'writers voice'. You write the story as if someone was actually speaking it, and that is something many people lack. What I found is, however, that sometimes your sentences run off a little too long and ruin that storyteller illusion. I think if you work on delivering the same punch that that one comma ridden sentence has in maybe two shorter sentences it will improve the overall quality and feel of the style I believe you are trying to pull off. You know better than me on that front how you want to sound, though.

Your descriptions are well done, but come at me in blocks. Once or twice I found them a bit tedious. Maybe if you sprinkle some sort of action or characters thoughts in between (which you DO do on occasion) that area might be slightly improved.

I'm not going to speak on plot, because I can't until the whole thing has played out.

Overall, one of the better pieces that I have read on this site. Im not to good at this feedback thing, but I hope I helped.