choutzu

[Bardock]

I'm Bardock, I'll be your mentor. Since we take pride in our roleplaying here, I expect you to pay close attention and to learn from what I am teaching.

Your roleplay looks like it was written in a hurry. Your grammar is bad: the dialogue is all chunked up in the paragraphs. Your spelling's not so great either. The main problem, however, is your run-on sentences. The words keep going and going when you need to split them into separate sentences with period marks. Most of this is easily solved by writing your roleplays in Microsoft Word, but some of them you have to manually fix.

Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make the piece flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.

The sun rose as usual but Choutzu was already awake. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when Tien awoke.

"Hmm, what smells so good?"

"Good morning. Your breakfast is ready," Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table.

The two friends ate in silence. When the meal was done, Tien got up and walked out the door, ready for another day of extensive training. Choutzu followed. He was ready to do whatever it took for him to become strong so that the next time the world was in danger he would be there to stand beside the Z-Fighters to protect the planet he loved.

Your first mistake was a simple spelling error. Your next mistake was using 'awoke' in place of 'awake.' The second is past tense, which is what we write in, not present tense. You used the word "he" in-between 'when' and 'Tien,' which doesn't belong there because it makes no sense. Notice how I separated the dialogue (speaking parts) from the rest of the paragraph. It makes it easier to read for three reasons: you can tell someone is talking, you can tell who is talking, and you don't have to strain your eyes.

The first letter of a sentence is always capitalized. There is a comma after "hmm" because sound expressions need a pause after them. Tien is asking a question, therefore there needs to be a quotation mark to show that. Again, the first letter of a sentence is always capitalized. I split up the sentence with a period mark because there were actually two sentences in one, and they can stand all by themselves. When ending dialogue, you always need a comma before the closing quotation mark.

I split up another sentence. I used two commas for pauses, making the sentence flow better. The sentence ends at "training" so I used a period mark. A short 'Choutzu followed' made a simple sentence that could stand on its own, and so I started up another one. Both 'took' and 'was' were in their present tense forms, 'takes' and 'is.' You needed the past tense versions. Lastly, the Z-Fighters is the name of a group, making it a proper noun, so it needed to be capitalized.

As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were training, Choutzu felt someone coming. He looked at his friend to see if he felt it too. The look on Tien's face told the Z-Fighter everything he wanted to know.

"Mr. Tien, who is that?"

"I don't know little buddy, but we will find out soon because it is coming this way."

At that moment they saw him. It was a huge man in saiyan armor. He had long blue hair that matched the pigmentation of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes, which Choutzu could see were a bright red. His eyes remained closed for a quite a long time.

The two thought that he could not sense them, but then he said with his eyes still closed, "You down there with the three eyes! Do you know where I can find some fighters?"

Okay, you spelling 'training' wrong and need a comma for a pause. You spelled 'looked' and 'coming' wrong and needed to split the sentence. You needed a period mark for your next mistake. Again, Z-Fighter is capitalized. Another pause, another comma. Choutzu is asking a question, so he needs a question mark. You need a comma before the words 'but' or 'and' because that makes it a compound sentence, one of the only right ways to do two sentences in one, but they have to be linked together using those words. You spelling 'coming' wrong again.

Another period. You spelled 'saiyan' wrong. Another sentence. You spelled 'pigmentation' wrong, but good word. Another pause. 'Choutzu' is a name, and names always need to be capitalized. Another period. You spelled 'remained' wrong. You said 'quote' instead of 'quite' which is what you meant. I split up another sentence. A comma goes before the word 'but' for a compound sentence. In dialogue set up that way, you need a comma before the opening quotation mark, and capitalize the first word in the dialogue. I put an exclamation mark instead of a period, because he is calling over loudly. 'I' by itself is always capitalized. Lastly, we end questions with question marks.

"Yeah, right here!" Tien screamed up at the giant. "I'll take this one Choutzu."

"No Mr. Tien! I want to see if my training is paying off!"

There was a sign of determination in his face.

"Are you sure buddy? His power level seems to be a little higher than yours, and who knows?maybe he is hiding his true strength."

"I am fighting, Mr. Tien!" Choutzu yelled.

Another comma for a pause, and an exclamation point for the screaming. You need a period mark to end a sentence. You need to capitalize the first word in a sentence. Another exclamation point for loud talking. You left off the 'i' in "if." Again, an exclamation point. Capitalized first word twice in a row. Question gets a question mark. You used the wrong "than." 'Then' is in reference to time and 'than' is used for comparison. I used a dash to show a pause. You need to end dialogue with an ending punctuation and a closing quotation mark.

The last comma is tricky. Without the comma, it sounds like he is saying he is going to fight Tien. With the comma, he is telling Tien he's going to fight someone else. If you don't understand, say it out loud. Say: "I'm fighting Mr. Tien" fast and without pausing. Then, say: "I'm fighting, Mr Tien" while stopping a beat after the word 'fighting.' Hopefully you'll get the difference. And to finish up the post, an exclamation point.



That may seem like a lot to process, but a lot of mistakes were just ones you repeated over and over. I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will catch a lot of minor errors and clean up your posts quite a bit. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.

I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Choutzu never knew Tien or the other Z Fighters and he never fought alongside any of them.

Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure it's 300 words. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation. It's difficult splitting up sentences, but I want you to focus on that! We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.





For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:

ORIGINAL
The sun rose as usaual but Choutzu was already awoke. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when he Tien awoke "hmm what smells so good" "good morning your breakfast is ready" Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table. The two friends ate in silence when the meal was done Tien got up and walked out the door ready for another day of extensive training Choutzu followed ready to do whatever it takes for him to become strong so that the next time the world is in danger he would be there to stand beside the z-fighters to protect the planet he loved.

As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were trainging Choutzu felt someone comming he lookd at his friend to see if he felt it too the look on Tien's face told the z-fighter everything he wanted to know. "Mr. Tien who is that" "I don't know little buddy but we will find out soon because it is comming this way" at that moment they saw him it was a huge man in sayian armor he had long blue hair that matched the pigmention of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes which choutzu could see were a bright red his eyes remanied closed for a quote a long time the two thought that he could not sense them but then he said with his eyes still closed "you down there with the three eyes do you know where i can find some fighters" "yeah right here" Tien screamed up at the giant. "I'll take this one Choutzu" "no Mr. Tien I want to see i my training is paying off" there was a sign of determination in his face "are you sure buddy his power level seems to be a little higher then yours and who knows maybe he is hiding his true strength". "I am fighting Mr. Tien" Choutzu yelled.

EDITTED
The sun rose as usual but Choutzu was already awake. He was in the kitchen making breakfast when Tien awoke.

?Hmm, what smells so good??

?Good morning. Your breakfast is ready,? Choutzu said with a smile as he sat two plates on the wooden table.

The two friends ate in silence. When the meal was done, Tien got up and walked out the door, ready for another day of extensive training. Choutzu followed. He was ready to do whatever it took for him to become strong so that the next time the world was in danger he would be there to stand beside the Z-Fighters to protect the planet he loved.

As he took his place across from Tien in the forest where they were training, Choutzu felt someone coming. He looked at his friend to see if he felt it too. The look on Tien?s face told the Z-Fighter everything he wanted to know.

?Mr. Tien, who is that??

?I don?t know little buddy, but we will find out soon because it is coming this way.?

At that moment they saw him. It was a huge man in saiyan armor. He had long blue hair that matched the pigmentation of his skin to a tee. He closed his eyes, which Choutzu could see were a bright red. His eyes remained closed for a quite a long time.

The two thought that he could not sense them, but then he said with his eyes still closed, ?You down there with the three eyes! Do you know where I can find some fighters??

?Yeah, right here!? Tien screamed up at the giant. ?I?ll take this one Choutzu.?

?No Mr. Tien! I want to see if my training is paying off!?

There was a sign of determination in his face.

?Are you sure buddy? His power level seems to be a little higher then yours, and who knows?maybe he is hiding his true strength.?

?I am fighting, Mr. Tien!" Choutzu yelled.