C&C on The Plastic King! quest

[Kazuya]

Yeah, I don't really post anything on anyone asking me for C&C, but since this is my first quest with someone other than my clanmates, all by my lonesome on Vegetasei, I figure I would ask how me and Goku are doing on this quest. So...if you could...rate meh please. ^_^


I welcome criticizms and comments on just about anything in there. Tell me if there are any inconsistancies, anything you would like to see, etc etc. questions, concerns. You know the deal. I welcome all.


Alright, monkeys, have at it. *sits back*

[Kazuya]

So...I am taking this as it sucks so far. Ok. Well, I see how it is. No one want to give me some ideas or something? Kinda need some right now to get the mojo flowing.

[Ruhiel]

Eh, give me about a day, and I'll give you some feedback.

[Kazuya]

Sweetage. Thanks, 20! ^_^

[Ruhiel]

Wow, that actually took a while. I didn't realize that you'd been at this one for a while =/

But, anyways, I read the first part pretty thoroughly, and skimmed over the second half a bit. I'll give you some of my thoughts though.

You write exactly as you would if you were talking to someone else. There's nothing wrong with that, it's actually good to see, considering how many people (like me) use stream of consciousness or just a traditional narration. However, this does cause you to create multiple sentence fragments and the like, although if you were intentionally doing that, then there's no problem with that.

Also, I thought the name "Mr. Chompsalot" was pretty funny. Just wanted to point that out =P

Anyways, your writing is good, and you really do a good job conveying dialogue and character interaction. However, you do leave out a fair bit of background and scene description. Now don't get me wrong, too much description is bad in my opinion, because my attention span won't last long enough for me to read an entire page about someone punching someone else. However, I'd like to have had a bit more scenery description, just a little bit, so that my mind could get the sketch of the character's surroundings, and then I could create the rest of the image in my mind. I guess this is because I'm one of those visual readers, who likes to be able to see what's happening in their mind, but I don't think it'd hurt if you threw in a bit more detail.

If you want more detailed reviewing, of say a particular post, just say the word, and I'll analyze that one post and give you feedback relating to everything on that one post. I can't do that for all of that writing =P

But anyways, good job. I couldn't find anything glaring that needed improvment, so keep up the good work.

[Kazuya]

Thank you, 20 ^_^ I have been working on that for about 4-5 days or so now.

I think my personal favorite quote out of that whole thing is:

For all she knew, they farted rainbows out of their ass. Funny, but for some reason, she expected it.

Her take on Saiyans. She still hasn't found out about the tails yet, either lack of attention or whatnot. That should be coming soon, and further on down in the quest, there is a bit more descriptions, namely when they arrive in Pinel and the one where The plastic king has his own little post.