Yamu's Feedback Shop II

[Yamu]

You loved it the first time around and now its back. If you would like Yams here to read your stuff and get some in depth feedback, I try and refrain from grammar things unless its so bad it hurts the story, post a link to the post you want critiqued and I'll get to it as soon as possible.

[Kazuya]

I'll be your first customer.


This has to be the better of my posts in the Plastic King quest. I would like some feedback, if at all possible. =) Thanks, Yams.

[CoolSpice]

This one!

I know I already have a post ascing for it, but since your offering directly I might as well. I just want a few more people to critique.

[Piper Juunanagou]

Post 8. The one right before Hellfighter's first OCB.

Sorry for not being able to post a link directly to a post. I never really figured out how to... =/

EDIT by HF17: You do now!

[Yamu]

I apologize for the delay...my personal lappy has broken as well as I have started working so I haven't had time to fix it. You will all be gotten to soon enough...I appreciate the patience!

A17, I'm pretty sure if you click the little icon that looks like a page right next to the time you posted at the top it gives you the adress to copy and paste that sends you right there.

[Yamu]

Violet:

Some of this might sound nit-picky but oh well it what I think.

I like posts that while part of a whole can be read individually and still make a full story on its own?sounds easy but a lot of people fall far short of this goal. Your structure and stroying are supurb, you have really gotten a handle of getting out a full idea in under 3000 words. Very nice.

My only problem with the post was that random parts just seemed awkward. Where Violet says ?Clever? just didn?t seemed to fit the exchange she was having with the Plastic King, it felt stuck on there just ot give Violet something to say.

You also have paragraph ending that are I?m guessing structured for dramatic effect but as I said come off awkward.

?He was gone? and ??they shimmered? really stuck out in my mind.

The ?He was gone? was just unnecessary, the sentence before made it clear he was gone. In the sentence ?Thirteen had landed haphazardly over Violet?s back, where their flesh began to meld together...they shimmered? would flow much better without the elpsises. I love using them but they do have a time and a place and this wasn?t it.

Thirteen had landed on haphazardly over Violet?s back and where their flesh touch began to meld together and shimmered as if some inner light had been rekindled.

Would just flow much better. The ??? I try to keep at time where I want an emotional pause or a delayed though and that sentence didn?t need either.

On the thought of awkwardness the paragraph:

?Tch.? He delivered a swift kick to her ribs, enough force behind the strike, the sound of her bones clashing against each other resounding in the courtyard.

Just didn?t work for me at all.

?Tch.? He delivered a swift kick to her ribs with enough force to send the sound of her bones clashing against each other resounding in the courtyard. Make more sense for the reader.


Well that?s about it. You have an amazing handle of your character, keep up the good work, its posts like this that show why you have Sk x20.

[Yamu]

Spice:

First off: Wow man. I really felt immersed in the scene you created. You described things in just the write amount of words where I really felt like I was there, but without being overly wordy where I personally find myself treading to often. I felt the serene tranquility of Spice on the beach and the clam pondering under the moon and stars.

The main piece of advice I can give to you is sentence structure. You exceptional ability to create a mood and a scene will only be amplified by getting your sentences to flow better. I'm just going to take one of your paragraphs and show you what I would do with it as an example and you can run with it.

Originally posted by Spice
Spice sat on his bed, which was just a bead sheet on the soft golden sand. It was actually very comfy. However, it was very cold out, so he wore a large and heavy quilt made by an old man named ?Grey Prune? by the children three houses down. Spice sighed and closed his eyes, letting his body sink deeper into the sand from the blankets weight.

His quarrel with Lindsay that day had left him drained and sore. The fact that he had to ride home while she sat comfortably on his back didn?t help.

He had also yet to ask about the dance of fire. His curiosity was beginning to overcome him. He had heard of the dance of fire, but never actually thought it was true.

Spice sat on his bed, which consisted of just a bed sheet laid out of the soft golden sand, which had proven to be surprisingly comfortable. The sheet did not protect him from the cold, however, so Spice wore a large heavy quilt made by an old man that the children three houses down called 'Grey Prune'. Spice sighed and closed his eyes, letting his body's weight sink him deeper into the sand.

His quarrel with Lindsay that day had left him drained and sore, the fact that she had ridden home quite comfortably upon his back did not help his physical ills one bit.

He had also not asked about the Dance of Fire and his curiosity was beginning to overcome him. He had heard about it in vague terms, but had never actually thought the stories were true.


I know it doesn't seem like a lot but a well placed comma and some sentence structure changes can really make a post flow better.

Like I said, your imagery was amazing without being overly showy or forced and that is a real feat. What you have in your sentences is getting close to perfect, not concentrate on HOW you make your sentences and I'm sure SK will be yours before you know it.

[Yamu]

Nezi:

I admire your ability to write from the character's perspective; I can really see why you chose to switch to Nezi because you are doing a lot with him. Your are doing a great job of RPing a machine, showing how it is different for him form just a run of the mill flesh and blood fighter. I especially liked

Nezi:

Pulling out a kind and gentle voice the red mecha

If you can keep doing creative things like that, you've won a fan in me.

Your style was pretty solid, only a couple points really gave me problems.

Nezi:

As soon as the tall robot was about to leave a ear shattering, nose bleeding, head splitting noise seemed to fill his surrounding. The scream was loud enough to cause Nezi, a full metal, to cringe in agony as he spewed.

Having 'ear shattering, nose bleeding, head splitting' all in one sentence is just to much. I see what you were going for but it just become a labor for the reader to really get to what you are trying to describe. Adjectives are like strong spices, use them throughout the meal but you don't want to overdue it.

Nezi:

And so place was made as the Earth shook gaining the outside fighters? attention outside but it was too late. Nezi?s deep melodic voice emitter had become activated and his voice soared as did his power.

I would not have put 'outside' twice in this, the second one is just repetitive.

Well I hope this helped, I think you are doing a great job writing from a robot's perspective and finding new and interesting ways to use it and finding ways to make a character your own is the true heart of RolePlay.

[Yamu]

Android 17:

Sorry for the super-uber-mega long delay, I?ve had strep and have felt nowhere near up too giving good C&C but here ya go.

You had a great tale going with an awesome battle and a very epic scene set up but everything just seem to fall short of what it could truly be. First?the post just seem to fly by to fast. The battle between A17 and Vapor seemed like something that should have gone over numerous posts. I would have liked Seventeen on the edge of death before realizing Vapor?s sword held his power then the big finale battle.

I absolutely loved the time warp effects you did. I?ve wanted to do the same thing in some of my own posts, and never been able to find a way to pull it off and you made it fluid, easy to read, and sent it right to my brain I saw exactly what you wanted me too.

I also loved Vapor?s internal, monologue, it was just an amazingly constructed sentence that gave us insight into the antagonist, which a rare few do.

I didn?t like your use of metaphors?they seemed forced and not quite fit what they were supposed to. You used ?moths to the flame? when what 17 was destroying were running AWAY form him at that point. Also the ?frog off a lily pad? just didn?t fit in my mind with how a warrior would leap into the fray.

Using parentheses to modify a noun is never a good idea, using it in an aside where the action is getting to intense to keep track of I think makes sense but not here:

Android 17

His eyes now wide as he regain his composure, Vapor scrambled toward the sword (which was now coated by a thin layer of melted tissue)

A comma or re-arrangement of the sentence would have suited much better here.

Finally, I though the line ?Field Open!? was clich? without even the good benefits an actual clich? brings. I just?didn?t like it.

You can write a good original story using elements that are classical but that you make your own and really the only thing that put me out were the awkward metaphors. I hope my comments have helped and I look forward to what else you can come up with.