Feedback aye?

[Alexander Trafford]

Here.

Can i get some feedback on this, it has barely touched the surface plot wise, I'm looking for more comments and criticism on the writing, because this is my first Personal Roleplay in a while, and i'm trying to kinda take a new curve on things, So just hit me back with anything from Hardcore hate to nice comments, i don't how indepth, but be honest. Thank you for your time.

[Ander]

Aye, aye.

Your length of description hasn't changed, although it feels like a completely different environment because what your detailing isn't one giant, sadistic bloodbath. Nice to see that you can branch away from that and still retain your peculiar flare.

Originally written by Minoshia
Quickly he pulled his clothes on, and turned to be directed out of the bathhouse, it seemed as every naked man in the world was inside the house, all standing outside their showers and watching him walk by, handcuffed, collared, and being led by a squadron of policemen for something he had no idea he?d done, or something he didn?t do at all.

That is a huge sentence. Break it down a little by using a period right after "bathhouse" and transition to a new sentence. Also, cut the comma after "walk by" because that makes any subsequent words in reference to the naked men staring at him. You shlump sentences together when they're fine separate from each other or connected by a semicolon.

Originally written by Minoshia
Get Your Fuckin? Hands up!? A voice sounded off behind him, the barrel of a large Ki rifle pressed against his naked back. He heard a whistle behind him. Fuckin? Cops, always making jackass comments.

"Your," "Fuckin'", and "Hands" are not capitalized. Neither is "cops" at the very end.

Writing-wise, that's what I got for ya, buddy. I will emphasize again how thrilled I am that you can tone down the gratuitousness of some of your earlier works and successfully play on a slightly different, more psychological angle, even if Mino is still kind of crazy and full of hate. He's real to himself, and that's what I like about him.

[Alexander Trafford]

New stuff

Lemme break it down, Minoshia is being held captive in a small cottage, and is being forced to tell all he knows about 'The Organization'. Everything after the first two posts is teh story he is telling so far (in italics) where he is being framed for beind a big honcho in this 'organization' and etc, they (the organization) are breaking him out of prison and are about to kill him for knowing too much about themselves and hope that Minoshia's death will bring about the police thinking the real man they are looking for has died. Read it and give me C&C, the plot is just touching the tip of the iceberg.

[Ander]

Again, I must remark on your description. Sometimes people can't find the balance between too much and not enough. You spent a few sentences elaborating on a piece of paper, and yet it was completely relevant. It showed a bit of personality and emotion from Augustus. Noice.

All I can tell you is keep going, because I'm anxious to read more. Your build-up is moving along a little faster than I prefer, but at least nothing is stale: Mino is interrogated, thrown in the slammer, and forced to consort with its low-life denizens. Plus, we have conspiracy, which is always fun to try and unravel.

I recommend this as a good read to any and everyone.

[Alexander Trafford]

DA stuff

There is more then this in there, but these are my two RP's in the VIP Lounge, if someone wants to take a look at em. One is on the first page, and one is on the second.