Broken Road

[Burter Jr]

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...17904&sid=

My first serious storyline roleplay in a long time. Please C&C, don't hold back

[Kami]

Already with the fact that I enjoy your stuff in mind...I liked it, it's not much so far, but the thing that I enjoy is how your encorperating BJ's naive nature into the way you'r writing him. He doesn't know exactly what it going on, the less than pleasant ways of the world are new to him. It's a nice change of pace from the pre-packaged, already battle hardened veteran many people simply begin with by crafting a back story that could have been written through many long posts. Keep it up, I think it's heading in a good direction thus far.

[Yamu]

Too soon to go too far one or the other, but like Kami said I like how you roleplay Bj as being BJ, he's just a kid and it makes for more interesting roleplays. I'll give you more when you have progressed the story some.

[Burter Jr]

I put another up. Man, I'm on a role

[Yamu]

I like the 'Man who knew to little' aspect. Hopefully, the whole naive thing will continue and he'll entanlge himself in a larger and alrger problem, that his 'play along' attitude gets him through.

Did you base the 'Titty Twister' on 'From dusk till dawn'?

I like the quotes at the beginnign as well, I was planning on doing something like that in my musical stroyline soon.

Edit: Yamu's in the Dojo...

[Burter Jr]

Yea, the bar name came from Dusk till Dawn

[Super Buu]

The writing itself is pretty solid. You can use 3rd person, yet integrate the thoughts and feelings of your character into the writing, which is always nice.

I can't help but love BJ's character. The way he says 'please' when he asks for apple juice, and the thought that someone could be a untrustworthy doesn't even surface in his mind. It makes you go 'aww'. Kids always believe what adults tell them to be true, and you've kept that nice and realistic.

For the most part your spelling and grammar is perfect. The only exception I noted was that you used "you're" instead of "your" in one case. The fact that I brought that up shows just how desperate I am to find something to critique. Nothing affected my understanding of the writing, anyway.

This is mainly for the first post, and your overall style. I'll definitely be waiting for more, and I can do some C&C on the plot as it develops if you like.

[Burter Jr]

I love you, SB

[Ruhiel]

What was your intent with the Robert Frost poem? A lot of people use it in the way that people assume the poem is conveying: about making different choices, and taking "the road less travelled." Although that's actually not what the poem was about. Or are you using it to convey how one must carefully make their choices, as those choices will be "all the difference" in life? Just asking, because when I saw the poem, I thought it was going to be a driving force throughout the storyline.

Portrayal of Burter Jr. is exactly how I expected a pre-teen child to act, with the naive outlook on the intentions of others. I haven't followed your writing all that closely, so I don't know if this is how your character always acts or not. How he always acts simply "because it looks fun" is a very unique character trait that really sets your character apart from pretty much every other character in this rpg.

Got the description perfectly. You didn't overdo it, and bore me, but you gave enough so that I wasn't sitting there wondering "where is he?" Got the "seedy neighborhood, dark alleys, nighttime, raining" feeling all down and good. Foreshadowing was there, although it wasn't so strong that you saw it coming a mile away.

Second post was much better than your first, I'd have to say. Both were good, but I enjoyed reading your second one much more. It just showed how Burter Jr still thought of his assassination assignment as just part of the game, and he was having fun with it. And then how he had been so confused when he realized what he was actually supposed to do.

Saw the kill coming there. But you played out Burter Jr's reaction fantastically. You didn't have to use a lot of words, but just those few sentences were capable of conveying how your character must have felt.

Look forward to seeing more on this. I haven't read much of your stuff until now, and I think I'm going to have to start.

[Burter Jr]

Originally posted by Android 20
I thought it was going to be a driving force throughout the storyline.

Everyone runs into a fork in their life. You can go one way, or the other. This has been called 'Drugs or Jesus.' You're either going to live a life of good, or a life of evil.

The poem portrays that Junior has run into that fork in the road, and he's taking the one less travelled by. As the title suggests, it's the Broken Road.

But that doesn't nessecarily mean he's gonna be evil.

Ever heard Rascal Flatts?

"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you."

[Ruhiel]

Ah, alright. I just wasn't sure how to take the poem at the start. People view it as meaning a lot of different things, and I just wasn't sure as to what it meant for your character. This is basically a "defining who Burter Jr will be" storyline, isn't it?

[Burter Jr]

I suppose you could say that. He'll always have this same personality, even if he does change a little bit.

[Burter Jr]

*ZING*

New one up. I don't need critism on every rp, but I'll just let people know at least. Props to Bra on finding the right quote at the start

[Sage]

^_^

*Goes to read*

[Hellfighter 17]

Originally posted by Burter Jr
The poem portrays that Junior has run into that fork in the road, and he's taking the one less travelled by. As the title suggests, it's the Broken Road.

Four people in my english did that for a poetry presentation. I wasn't there that day. >.>

I just rea dthe whole thing, and I liked it. Not too much stands out to me except for how you portray characters, I like it a lot. The only thing I din't like wa sthe owner's first reaction. I know he might be scared about the debt and BJ doesn't exactly look normal, but ti seemed a bit exaggerated. Otherwise, it was altight.

[Burter Jr]

The idea was that he knew what the black cloak signified, so he knew someone sent a killer to him. He knew it before BJ did

[Burter Jr]

Shazam. Man, I'm on a role. I've got the writing fever 8o

[Super Buu]

Still following it. I noticed one paragraph on the last post ended with 'He probably wasn't'. >_> Another grammar-related thing I just noticed - occasionally you do a sentence like this:

"That little bit of light," he told himself, "So pretty..."

The 'S' at the beginning of the second bit of speech shouldn't be capitalised, unless there was a full stop before.

Story-wise, it seems to be building up to something. I feel like there's a conspiracy lurking just out of sight, and I look forward to when it comes together. BJ's character is perfect for this kind of stuff, because he's not the kind of guy who would pick up on what's going on. Keep it up, I'll be waiting for your next post.

[Burter Jr]

I appreciate the concern, but I should make it noted that I don't care about grammar or proper puntcuation/spelling. Unless it interupts your ability to follow things, don't worry about telling me =P

[Super Buu]

Noted. Though the 'He probably wasn't ' at the end of the 6th paragraph was less grammatical, more like you just got cut off or something. I've kind of gotten into the habit of pointing things out as soon as I see them, so it's not particularly an aspect that bothers me, just something I thought I may as well say incase you weren't aware.