C&C on poem please.

[CoolSpice]

With love

Just looking for some C&C. Thanks. It is appreciated.

Also on this one if you feel like it:

Sad you'll never be gay

[CoolSpice]

any?

[Tamsin]

Well, Spice, I`ll be frank...I hope you won`t feel insulted...but you did ask for a C&C.

The poem is sweet and all and will probably serve for its intended pourpose (afterall, its a love poem). But if we look at it more critiquely, it lacks rythm. Every poem needs a rythm, even if it changes as it goes on. While you do from time to time try to establish a rythm, your choice of words usually cuts it short. So in the end, it`s more of a love statement then a love poem.

The song faces the same problem, really. The disporportions are even a bit bigger compared to the poem.

However, both are a bit poetic in nature. So you have two choices: either work on your choice of words or......consider writing screenplays. It always seemed to me that both the poem and the song were like statements and thus similar to plays like Hamlet.