If you wouldn't mind.

[Jewtastic]

I was wondering if I could get some C&C on my last two posts. Either one it doesn't really matter which you do.

The Horseman aim for Spirit

Oh, and the flashback really shouldn't make to much sense at the moment, but I'm hoping over the next couple of weeks or so I can try it all together for a pretty cool back story.

[Old Zangya]

Scattered across thousands of years of knowledge the shin obi struggled with his [B}thoughts, and conscious[/B] as he soared magnificently through the crystal blue air.

I think what you mean here is ?thoughts and consciousness?.

?outside the church; he showed none.

?outside the church, he showed none.? And dispersed is spelled wrong in your post: you spell it ?disbursed?. That?s all I really have time to read right now, maybe I?ll do more later.

[Jewtastic]

thanks so far but no I meant conscious.

The whole thing with this sort of mini saga is pretty much Mura was taught about Truth, justice, the american way...blah blah blah, and he is having a hard time coping with the fact that for some unexplained reason he likes killing more then standing up for the weak and what not.

[Shun]

Just because you said that now I am interested. I'm gunna read it..later

[Jewtastic]

Got a few new posts up since last checking in here, the newest has more of the flashback and shit, so once again, if you would be so kind.

[Yamu]

First and foremost, I really like your style. You have a great storytelling ability and all of your posts were a good read and I?m hooked so I?ll be keeping up with the rest of the thread. Your narrative skills are second to none.

One of the things I especially liked was how you ended the first part of the flashback:

Continuing to back his placed his hand behind his back, air filled his clenching fist.

I love it when a writer doesn?t just hand the story out but gives you the creative clue as to what is going on.

You had a few grammar mistakes but nothing that I think anyone would ever count you out for. There were a couple things I didn?t like.

This exchange for one:

?Tell me ninja, what do you know about our organization??

?Um?I kill for money, that?s all I really need to know. Give me the over view in writing, I?ll get to it in time. Right now, I?m just interested in getting a task, as for the rest, its reading material for when I make my daily deposits.?

The back and forth didn?t flow very well, ?you kill for money? seemed like a better answer. Your narration cannot be beat, I could not say a single thing to improve on there but your dialogue sometimes doesn?t feel very natural, almost as if they are thought up at different times.

I also did not like that the first part of the flashback was all italics but the second part was in italics as well as a different color. For continuity I would have just left it the same.

I like what you?re doing with this, if anything I would play up the mental fragmentation of loving to kill, and hating loving to kill.