[C&C] Of all the asteroids ...

[Orion]

http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25014

I haven't roleplayed consistently for a loooooong time. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[Jack]

Wow. Can't believe you have no replies. I'll get on it later, it's 3 AM.

[Cain]

First of all, great job. You've outlined Frost reall well, and I look forward to going there for whatever reason in the future. The story is well crafted, and the dialogue is good, which is uncommon. And when I say good, I mean excellent. Your experience is evident in the work.


Description is lacking in some places, and readers like details sometimes.
Ex: "Toby frowned."
"Milton scowled."
"Toby grunted."
What all's taking place in those actions? This isn't to be mistaken for an attempt to word of posts for word count. It adds to atmosphere in some situations. The drunken accents seemed a bit much. Usually when you're that drunk and still drinking, vomit ensues.

Your character is well outlined too, and equipped with an alias. He's a bad guy to run into in an alley, letalone on a mission. Sykes is a hard ass, kick ass, take names, bad guy, which is awesome.

If you'd be interested in work on Earth, Cain is a fugitive, as he's and Unregistered Android. Pm me if you want.

[Orion]

the dialogue is good, which is uncommon. And when I say good, I mean excellent.

A huge thank you for that. I always used to think of myself as a good descriptive writer but unbelievably shit at dialogue. I'm glad to see someone thinks I've improved.

Description is lacking in some places, and readers like details sometimes.
Ex: "Toby frowned."
"Milton scowled."
"Toby grunted."

Thanks for that too. I'm a real stickler for repetition, and I hate reusing "he said", "he stated", etc. when people are talking. I guess that zeal has slipped into other areas I hadn't intended. I'll keep an eye on that.

If you'd be interested in work on Earth, Cain is a fugitive, as he's and Unregistered Android. Pm me if you want.

It seems Earth is the place where it's all happening. I might take you up on that some day. =D