Prologue

[Cain]

I'm working on a new thread that will eventually start a storyline. Any feedback (pros and cons) of what's been written so far would be much appreciated, and the feedback will be returned in your thread.

http://cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25642

[Cain]

Looking for crit on plot, flow, word choice, “and anything else you think I did well/could improve upon.” Thanks.

[Alexander Trafford]

tomorrow when i sober up.

[Alexander Trafford]

Well, first things first, post 3 is a double of post 2, they are identical. Someone should clean that up for you.

I really like how you structure your posts and your sentences, something i've told you before. i found that in your most recent post, the sentences became similar in structure in some parts, which made the post less enjoyable. that's more of a stylistic preference though.

I also like how you use descriptions to paint a picture for the reader, and you use analogies and comparisons sparingly. Using comparisons to describe a scene sparingly makes it so that when you do use analogies it reads better and doesn't get repetitive.

The matted, leaking mass of blood and fleshy muscle that was his half empty skull tingled instead of hurt, somehow like the feeling of bath beads bursting in a tub.

I thought this was a neat description.

Everynow and then i think i catch grammatical errors when i read your posts, but then i reread the sentence and i find that, generally, its more of a difference in preference rather than an error.

As he would've been able to change practically every feature of himself, his whereabouts if alive are unknown.

When i read this i noted that i would have wrote it like this: As he would've been able to change practically every feature of himself, his whereabouts, if alive, are unknown.

But, like i said before, i'm pretty sure that's just a stylistic thing rather than an actual error and is nothing to worry about.

As to the story itself, i like where you're going with it. You seem to be touching on his past and his memories while at the same time progressing the story. Your plot seems to be all over the place, between the memories and the present and i found myself confused a bit, but i AM suffering from a headache right now so that might be contributing to my confusion. Overall, i think the storyline has alot of promise and i look forward to writing with you again in the future.

[Cain]

Thanks man. I'm trying to flesh out all the characters in the storyline, even if they're not the main character. So the posts are probably a little sporadic.

And I'm trying all sorts of styles to see which one fits best. The last post was probably the more draining one of them, but my attempts at prose tend to get monotonous from a reader's stand point.

Waff's away from his comp right now so the post will take a lil while to be deleted.

[Sigfried Hunin]

I really liked the imagery of the first post, it felt gritty and real like you were standing right there. You could really get a feel for the characters despite not having really seen them for more than a few paragraphs.

The following posts however, just left me a bit confused. I understood the progression, but it seemed almost rushed and vague. I think the flashbacks could have been more descriptive and vivid while maintaining the mystery of it being from the past. This isn't to say that I didn't enjoy them or that they didn't lead me to want to read more, but I think if they maintained that attention capturing awesome that the first one had it would have been all the better.

[Cain]

Thanks for that. For some reason I can only write when I've read something good, and stopped reading after that first post. Time to start up again.