Kill Town - C&C

[Juno]

So, most of you know how this works, but for those who don't, this is kind of a give-and-take thing. Someone posts a post -- only a saga post -- that they want criticism on, and then another person writes a critique (constructive, please) and offers up a post of their own, which the next person crits, offers up their post, and so on.

Since I'm an opportunist I'm totally skirting the C&C someone else fee this time, haha, losers. xD I'd like my join post critiqued, it's a model of how I'm planning to write for the saga, so if there are any issues, chinks, I need to know now, haha. Thanks in advance: "[00] Now Entering Kill Town" - Juno.

[Vad]

I enjoyed it. I liked how I could grasp a good sense of how Juno was feeling while I was reading. Compared to your old writing, this had more feeling and emotion in it. I'm just curious as to why it got pessimistic toward the end.


My Post: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...stcount=12

[Victoria]

I'd like to keep this thread going, it's a great idea.

I know you aren't in the saga anymore, Vad, but I read your RP and I wanted to comment on it anyway.

The RP was good overall, and I didn't expect Trixi to let Vad get taken. However, why yell at him to get up? Maybe emotional stress?

The guy at the end, I don't know him, but he definitely sounds cool with the teleporting and touching Trixi like that.

I think you're a good writer, I can't say too much bad about the RP. I'll have to read what happens next, since you didn't stay in the saga.

Here's my post: http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showpost.ph...ostcount=2

[Cain]

You have clean grammar and good description. The flame thrower pops up at the right time. Victoria's reactions are nice, especially regarding her hair. Brains oozing down the hand was good, as well as the nasty bit near the end. You react well to being in a gore environment. The nike shirt and running shorts were a nice touch of fleshing out the zombies.


Either post in this thread:
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27292

[Alexander Trafford]

I liked all of your role plays in the first round, but, at the the same time, I'm disappointed because i know you could have done better. I don't mean that offensively, but I have a slight bias towards your character because i think he is neat and unique, and when i look past that bias i see a well of untapped potential that you are not utilizing.

No one is going to argue that you have great ideas, because you do, and at times you show a knack for top notch description. But sometimes your RPs have the tendency to fall into a pattern of regularity, which can at times become boring. Also sometimes the flow of your writing seems to be off, almost as if it is forced and a paragraph later you will have your writing flowing beautifully. It's weird because you show that you can write with the 'Chubbs' elite' and then, a paragraph waver, you waver. I can only describe it as a sort of writing ADHD, perhaps, that you lose focus sometimes? I'm not sure.

I read your first role play in this round and, from a story perspective, it was world's better in my opinion. I'm no editor and i make basic grammatical mistakes all the time, so i can't really help you with that, but i thought, in my amateur opinion, that you showed more variability in your sentence structure, which kept it interesting. The interaction between the make-up applier and Cain was wonderful, as was his questioning of the mirror later on the in the RP. I actually really enjoyed that part because it combined the surreal and your dark-realistic style of writing. I found it to be wonderful.



The first link is to the first round
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27290

This is to the second round
http://www.cdbzrpg.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27329

I would prefer C&C from the second round, but if you have already read the material from the first round and teh second is too dreadful to read, then that is fine too.

Thanks in advance.