I hate it when...

[Orion]

People trail off in the subject header without giving you the topic of the thread.

Anyway, I like to write poems that will hopefully one day become songs. I wrote half of a song I really liked the other night, and I just wanted to get some people's impressions of it. Seeing as there's about seven people online not posting at all, this naturally came to me. I'd like some honest feedback, not "omfg that iz teh r0x0rz sun gokuh" unless you actually mean it. Say you hate it if you hate it, but tell me why.

Enough ranting. It's called 'Something To Write Down.'

Verse 1

Everything is quiet, suddenly the mind explodes, like thousands of flares in the sky, lighting up the darkest heart, a glimpse of fading futures blossoming in the rain clouds, the coldness isn't forced to show, clutching to the worn old parchment hanging from the ceiling, the paint peels in the most artisic ways...

Pre-chorus (1)
hand me the book I've got something to write down

Chorus
Lock, blocking it out, but I'll write it down all the same, adding to the fractured and mishapen stories on the same page

Verse 2
Resting alone, chewing on thoughts that wish were gone, fighting a war where casualties are the everyday, mundane motions, you can't even recognise, days that I've despised, counting all the lies on the ends of my fingertips, flipping off the windowsill, chasing the end of the rainbow, wanting to hold your heart but I don't know where to start...

Pre-chorus (2)
So please hand me the book I've got something write down

If I see anyone steal this ... *shakes fist*

[Android-18]

Well...sounds like you were writing more of a story than poem/song. When I see songs they are usually in stanza's not paragraphs. Like

The rain
So blue
I could touch the sky
Unbelievably so

If you get what I mean. I didn't get the impression of a song...Maybe it would sound differently in voice and music, though.

[Orion]

I normally do that, but I think that writing it in paragraphs will give it a little more flexability when I actually go to sing it, instead of sticking with the stanzas I've made.

[Android-18]

Well its your art and I won't say it sucks or needs to be changed. I'm just saying that when I read it the impression I got was that it was a more a story than anything lol. It might be because I write poetry like every day and usualy it isn't desciptive and as telling as your song is. I ususally use a lot of oxymorons, metephors, and similies.

[Orion]

That's kinda what I wanted. It is sort of a story, most of the songs I love are stories or at least sound like them, that make you think of something, whether it's what the artist intended or not. But yeah, I love description and I try to rhyme, but it's more important to get the right words of how you're feeling than to get them to sound the same. But that's me. Thanks for your viewpoint.

[Toshiro]

I like it Goku, but like 18 said.. Seemed abit like a story then a song. But it's good thou. Would rather now what sorta beat you have to it so I can run it though my mind like that..

[Tobias]

I like it... I can sort of feel what your saying, if you catch my meaning. i would have to hear the music to it to really say what I think but as stand alone lyrics it's great.

[Metal Teemer]

Originally posted by Android-18
Well...sounds like you were writing more of a story than poem/song.

It could be a country song.

[Metal Teemer]

Originally posted by Furiza
I can't imagine it as a song. It would cause mass hysteric depression.

Again I say: Country song

[Amadeus]

Can I use a part of the song for my signature?