I would like to join PLS -READ

[Orion]

Sorry, but that's not up to standard for membership here. Try looking around the boards for examples of roleplays, and feel free to try again. ^_^

[Orion]

Uh... that's pretty similar to your first one with a few words thrown in. Have a look at how we set up our sentences, and what kind of writing is used. I can't say I've seen someone use the word 'whoosh' in the sense you have. A better way to say it is:

The beam raced by and slammed into Gohan.