11-22-2006, 03:20 AM
I'm Bardock, I'll be your mentor. Since we take pride in our roleplaying here, I expect you to pay close attention and to learn from what I am teaching.
Your sample is only 193 words to begin with, and our minimum requirement is 300, so you have a little over a hundred more words to go. Also, it looked like it was typed up fairly quickly. It's at least in paragraph format, which is a step in the right direction.
Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.
I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will catch a lot of minor errors and clean up your posts quite a bit. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.
I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Android 13 never knew Goku or the other Z Fighters and he never fought any of them.
Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure it's 300 words. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation. I want you to especially focus on capitalization! We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.
For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:
Your sample is only 193 words to begin with, and our minimum requirement is 300, so you have a little over a hundred more words to go. Also, it looked like it was typed up fairly quickly. It's at least in paragraph format, which is a step in the right direction.
Now, I'm going to go through your roleplay and fix each mistake, and change things around a bit to make them flow a little better. I'll do this step-by-step, so you can comprehensively see the changes I make. Each correction is colored red in bold. A total comparison is down at the bottom.
Quote:Revised by BardockYou only capitalize the first word in a sentence, and the other words following it are lower-case. You had a spelling error with "watched the." The comma goes inside the quotation mark in dialogue. Notice how I separated the dialogue into their own individual sentences. This is so it's easier to understand what is being said and who is saying it.
Android 13 laughed cruelly as he watched the hospital burn down.
"Die," whispered Android 13.
"Stop or we will be forced to attack," noted a military officer.
Android 13 turned his head towards the minor annoyance and decided no threat detected.
"Your turn," informed Android 13.
"Uhhh...I don't think we are gonna live throught this sir," said a soldier.
Quote:Revised by BardockAgain, only the first word in a sentence is capitalized. You spelled "annihilating" wrong. You also used the wrong "then" in the last sentence.
Android 13 raised his arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward.
"DEATH BLAST," screeched Android 13. Android 13 than dematerialized and rematerialized right behind the army and used another Death Blast, totally annihilating the army. Android 13 then deployed some searcher drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball. Then they found it.
Quote:Revised by BardockI cut out the "insert theme here" because it has no place in a roleplay. I also italicized "Three Months Later" because it sets it apart from the roleplay. You should be able to get across things like that without stating it obviously. We roleplay in past tense, so "goes" (which is present tense) becomes "went" (which is past tense). You need to separate your sentences. You need a question mark for a sentence that presents a question. Again, only the first word in a sentence is capitalized. Finally, you need to put a space after a period.
Three Months Later
Android 13 flew over a newly designed city that went by the name of Champion City. Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city. Who would not? The Z-Fighters were holding a tournament themselves at full power. Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle. Android 13 processed the chances of him winning and came up negative. Android 13 flew to the top of the city and used Death Bringer to blow up what used to be Champion City.
I recommend you type your roleplays in Microsoft Word, which will catch a lot of minor errors and clean up your posts quite a bit. If you don't have Word and don't have the means to get it, use Spellchecker.net. Type in the box, and then copy/paste into a post when you're done.
I'd like to point out that here at CDBZ, we don't use show history. Nobody knows anybody else when they join, except if you're family. So, Android 13 never knew Goku or the other Z Fighters and he never fought any of them.
Now, take this lesson, and make a new roleplay. Make sure it's 300 words. You can continue where you left off, or you can create a whole new situation. I want you to especially focus on capitalization! We'll continue this until you're ready to officially join.
For easy comparison (so you can see how cleaned up it got by making a few minor adjustments), here is your roleplay versus the editted version:
Quote:ORIGINAL
Android 13 Laughed Cruelly as he watche dthe hospital burn down."Die",Whispered Android 13."Stop Or We Will Be Forced To Attack",Noted A Military Officer.Android 13 Turned His Head Towards The Minor Annoyance And Decided No Threat Detected."Your Turn",Informed Android 13."Uhhh I Don`t Think we are gonna live throught this sir,"Said Soldier.Android 13 Raised his Arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward."DEATH BLAST,"Screeched Android 13.Andoid 13 than dematerialized and Rematerialized right behind the army and Used another Death Blast.Totally anighlated the army.Android 13 Than Deployed Some Searcher Drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball.Than They Found It.
Theme Goes Here
Three Monthes Later
Android 13 Flew Over A Newly Designed city that goes by the name of Champion City Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city.Who would not the Z-Fighters Were holding a tournament themselves at full power.Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle.Android 13 Processed The Chances Of Him Winning and came up negative.Android 13 Flew To The Top Of The City And Used Death Bringer To Blow up What Used To Be Champion City.
Quote:EDITTED
Android 13 laughed cruelly as he watched the hospital burn down.
?Die,? whispered Android 13.
"Stop or we will be forced to attack,? noted a military officer.
Android 13 turned his head towards the minor annoyance and decided no threat detected.
"Your turn,? informed Android 13.
?Uhhh?I don?t think we are gonna live through this sir,? said soldier.
Android 13 raised his arms and materialized a large orb of energy and pushed it forward.
?DEATH BLAST,? screeched Android 13. Android 13 than dematerialized and rematerialized right behind the army and used another Death Blast, totally annihilating the army. Android 13 then deployed some searcher drones looking for the small orange ball called a dragon ball. Then they found it.
Three Months Later
Android 13 flew over a newly designed city that goes by the name of Champion City. Android 13 had felt a powerful presence in the city. Who would not? The Z-Fighters were holding a tournament themselves at full power. Android 13 saw the one who goes by Goku and remembered the last battle. Android 13 processed the chances of him winning and came up negative. Android 13 flew to the top of the city and used Death Bringer to blow up what used to be Champion City.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=Pass you by, it's all in this life you have
Pass you by, good-bye to you=_
Pass you by, good-bye to you=_